How many Valentine's I missed out. All it's doing is making me depressed. First crush ended up cheating and getting her friends to tell me to commit suicide. Then had a friend who defended me and treated me like a brother. She loved me like one then....she turned too. She had new friends and ever since these friends came in. Her attitude changed she divorced her husband by listening to them and played the victim card. She did the same thing too. So for 11 years I had trouble trusting anyone anymore.

Don't get me wrong I did try dating but one decided to control me not seeing my family. Then another pretended to have cancer. Big fucking turn off considering my grandmother died slowly from it. Not a good childhood to remember. I have my best friend still and a few others here but I hardly been talkative because....I'm in a dark place guys. Very dark place and this wasn't the first time I tried to take my own damn life.

Because I asked myself this what's the point...I was bullied my whole life tried doing that as a kid. A girl tricked me of a phone number and they laughed at me. They don't know not even I know I have Asperger's. They couldn't test that at my time till college found that out. If I had found out maybe I wouldn't have been bullied.

Maybe if I saw through my ex I wouldn't feel like this same with my former Ex best friend or sister. The hell with her. If I hadn't met them I would have tried. Love to me doesn't exist soon as your vulnerable like me they get ya. Hit you to that core...no matter how many times of physical pain I dealt with....either it's me or by accident. I barely feel anything of pain....the only pain I ever felt was getting my heart shattered over and iver and over again! They just throw you away like trash cause your either boring or your embarrassed to he friends with someone who has problems. I don't know...I'm just cursed.

I'm just waiting for something to just pull that damn plug for me because I'm god damn coward to do it myself! It's not like anyone cares...I tried talking but to who a doctor last time I did the pills they pop me for depression made it worse. No matter how many times I try I can't trust myself to trust others cause I don't want to get hurt again!

All I am is nothing....nothing. I even ask my God why am I down here what the hell is my purpose here. To be nice and take it...I say he wasted me down her for nothing.

I'm a nice guy I never get in trouble. Hard worker and even helping others. Yet I'm still...alone. To be rejected or lied to...I'm sick of being alone....because the one thing I can never accomplish is what most of y'all have. Someone to love...who loves you back....which I don't know if my last one wasn't real...hell I don't know what is real love anymore. I want kids one day...a good husband. That's my dream...it's a dumb one. I'm 33 and ever since my birthday I had flashes of my ex...and for a few weeks now today I feel....empty...broken.

I'm sorry to you all for reading this. But I don't know who to talk to or say anything to. I want to talk to my parents and brothers but...last time that happened it went down south. I can't even cry anymore of this feeling because I feel nothing. Nothing is what I am. Nothing.