if it's like a coping mechanism of questionable healthiness, I do hope a therapist can help figure out how healthy it could or could not be

it could mean you drawing with less and less guilt, it could also mean you eventually not drawing again, it could also mean something else entirely

but you are more than your smut and you deserve to know that without a doubt in your mind goddammit.

all the best no matter what.

Wow.

ow

Okay it's really hard for me to get out the feelings you have behind all the litteracy here.
But tbh, if i understand correctly... no. That is not normal to push yourself too much into having a big burn out.
I know it's kinda hard to do it when you're overthinking on such subject as making porn, but you should do a brake or slow down a lot. It's never good to be overpassionate with something, it often turns into obsession.

Bravo sir, you cracked the code

You are sincerely one of the most twisted persons I've encountered online, dude.

Thanks Tonzono. I wouldn't call it burn-out though, but yes, definitely overpassionate about this facet of my life in a way that doesn't seem like it can ever be fixed. It's far, far, far more than just obsession.

It might probably never, ever be a good thing.

You like the things you draw right, right?

I only want to answer this like a pervert.

So the best answer I can give you is: I'm a sadomasochist.

Whoop-dee-doo! That could mean anything about how I feel about my art now.

But I love what I do. I just can't handle myself most of the time

You like what you like. Have you tried hard core bdsm as therapy, to get some of the kinks out, so to say?

"Is it wrong, if an artist is drawing porn as a form of spiritualistic suicide, to push themselves mentally closer to the brink of self-termination?"

I can say, yes I think this is wrong. You deserve to be happy and you should definitely be allowed to live life with as little stress on you and your mind as possible. If doing an activity is pushing your mind towards "self-termination," it is definitely not healthy and you should not do that! No matter what anyone says.

Very glad to hear you're trying therapy, I think it'll help you parse your thoughts. Maybe it can help you figure out how to untangle, or at least understand, this association with drawing certain things and those self-destructive thoughts. Hang in there dude, you can do this 🫂

Thanks, Cyrus. I understand the associations, though. I know precisely why I can't reconcile this feeling though. And I want to say them publicly but it wouldn't do any further good. Thanks.

Of course, dude!
Ah you certainly don't have to share what you don't want to, but glad to hear you're already aware of it. That's the first step, after all

If it hurts you to do it, then you shouldn't. Simple as that. It shouldn't matter how others feel about it. There's no point to falling on your own pen if it means your fans and unnamed followers can have a few fleeting moments of happiness.

As someone who's struggled with a similar thought process, the best--and probably only--thing you can do is take a few steps back from this. Don't let creating smut become the entirety of your existence. Don't let pleasing others to your own detriment become your only purpose. You are incredibly talented, but it sounds like your lifestyle is sorely imbalanced because you've given too much of yourself to being a smut artist and writer...and nothing else.

I've been in a similar place before. When you pour too much of yourself into the fictionalized mold you've shaped in your own mind, you let the person that looks back in the mirror every morning suffer and deteriorate. You start to measure your value on how much smut you can make for others, on how many followers you have on your accounts and in your servers. In how many online people are grasping for your friendship or wanting to RP with you. And all the while, a growing voice in the back of your head tells you that none of it matters. You're slowly sinking into a pit of depression because the entirety of your existence is trapped between either pleasing others in the shallowest of ways or suffering the crushing weight of loneliness and self-deprecation. Day in and day out, you feel like an empty shell because you're trying to be what other people want you to be for their own pleasure. The intrusive thoughts in your mind are telling you that this lifestyle is the only one you've got, because it's the only one that felt like it worked, at least for a while.

But it won't last. I'll admit, I do enjoy what I draw, but I sincerely doubt that either of us can stand the thought of spending the rest of our lives doing only... this. There has to be more to life. There must be a path to an end that makes your time on this Earth feel worth it, you know?

That's why you need to make the guy you see in the mirror into someone you can stand living with. Work on getting into therapy, and potentially medication if needed. Spend time in the local park, or go for regular walks to clear your head. See if there are any local events or groups where you can meet people. Exercise. Start a journal to help focus your thoughts. Look into getting a degree or certification. Just try new things. But, most importantly...get some paper and a pen, and start making serious plans for your future. What version of you would make you the most content? What projects do you want to see come to life? Do you want a career? Would you like to start a business? How would you like to see yourself in 15 years?

You need a goal, and a plan for the future. What you're doing now, is an endless loop of shallow indulgence. That's why drawing smut feels like suicide, because it's filling a hole that's only getting bigger. It's like sucking in air through a straw while you're actively drowning. It'll never be enough on it's own, but it'll keep you alive a bit longer.

Find a way to put yourself and your needs first in a healthy way. Drawing smut feels comfortable. But you can do so much more with your skills if you wanted.

I appreciate that alot, EC, but we are not suffering the same thing at all here...

I'm not struggling against my value and worth and cultural position. I'm struggling against a traumatic inability to cope with the reality that I can get what I want out of life by reducing myself to a quivering, spiritually fleshly idea for sexual thrills, and that it feels like a destiny I am absolutely fit for, but that absolutely destroys my sense of self and reality at the same time.

Drawing smut doesn't just feel comfortable, it feels divine. And I die beneath its light.

I'm here saying, I don't know how to deal with that and have to stop, because I want to live.

Ahhhh, my apologies. It sounded so familiar at first that it took me back to a darker place in my own mind from a few years ago. I should've asked more questions, but I kinda got caught up and got ahead of myself. Sorry about that.

Unfortunately, I don't know what advice I can give here. A therapist might be able to help, but this...this doesn't sound like a lifestyle you can continue living indefinitely even if it gives you a thrill like no other. It almost sounds like an addiction; something that feels good in the moment, but slowly deteriorates your body and mind.

I hope you find a better path out of this. Wishing the best for you, man.

Your health is more important, so if drawing porn is causing these feelings in you, then not drawing it is more healthy for you than drawing it.

And yea, hopefully therapy can help you learn healthy ways to handle those feelings when they come up.

Thanks, I hope so, too. These feelings and impulses aren't just going to go away with time.

I say take care of yourself above all else, you.
it's impossible for me to understand the complete intricacies of where you are, but in what I've experienced, I contextualize that you've got to answer to yourself before and after anyone else.
As much as I've enjoyed your works across the spectrum of "NSFW" to "SFW", you've got to do what you deem as right to yourself I think.
Get yourself living as pleases you, as vague as that may come across from a stranger.

Definitely better to maintain your own welfare.

And while the art has been grand,
It shouldn't cost a dance with ceasing to live.
Do hope a therapist can help hone your approach.

I can't exactly speak on what constitutes a "healthy" approach.
I'm still driven by the logic of "I want to give up, but not hurt others.
If giving up hurts others, I will do anything with some self preservation"
It's been 14 years, and I'm still finding little ways to pick at and improve it.

But I will say that anything pursued should be reasonably sustainable.
Reasonably defined as not so self damaging as to limit overall results.
Something that can be made more efficient for yourself with time.

All of that said, best of luck in the meanwhile.

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I hope you can maneuver past the desire to give up and improve your personal philosophy.