art status (if anyone cares)(rant) -- Matuscha's Journal -- Fur Affinity [dot] net

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Anthro Artist | Registered: May 2, 2011 12:22:32 AM

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art status (if anyone cares)(rant)

4 months ago

DOCTOR DOCTOR GIVE ME THE CURE CAUSE CANT STOP LOVING YOU!!! OOOOH~

be a good guy or girl and make everyone happy you can always use a ray of sunshine in your life.

im president nixon ahhh ooohhhhhh

as of late.... i have very little to no drive to do art as much as i used to. the feeling i get behind a lot of my art if its commission based even if i get commissioned or someone buys a slot from ych (seems to never happen nowadays) i just feel like a robot. a lot of the art I've  been drawing on my tablet i will draw full pictures from my character to doing friendly art of someone else's character or just things in general out in the world or anything that pops into my head. the one thing I've felt from my art is that it doesn't feel like me anymore. I've gone through maybe more art on my Samsung tablet and just deleted the picture cause i felt like posting it but it just didn't feel right to post at all on here or my twitter or bluesky.



 i just feel the art doesn't accompany me in the same mind set cause I've been in and out of jobs not able to hold a job for a very long time cause its not in the feild im looking for or i just feel like a mass tool in a bigger project that doesn't really include my thoughts going into my future. I've just been stressed out lately and i feel like no matter what i try even trying to be more fit and healthy just doesn't seem work out for me no matter how hard i try to push myself. i just get sucked back into my games and my mental state just vanishes as i feel complacent with just putting my life into the games that even give me a moment of serotonin. the only peace of mind i have is just sitting there at the screen and just wasting away at the games. the one person i truly loved is gone in my life, i recently got fired from a job due to complaints, i know it seems im putting myself as the victim but the more this goes on the more i feel art isnt my escape anymore. its just games and games and more games. i never really leave my house anymore im just here physically but mental ive checked out. this shitty country of America has stressed me more and more as news just gets worse.



the more i feel to even try and do something even remotely good for myself i just get put down negatively. i try to constantly distance myself from these people but they just come back and i feel like im just stuck in an endless loop of the same cycle of repeat of trying to get work, try to work out, try to be healthy, into failing at the interview, ill do this tomorrow, it wont hurt to eat this.



i just want good people around me to help me with this mental state but i dont even know where to even begin to look for these kinds of people and have them in my life.



i just want to leave this current place and be at peace being alone at this point. just wallow away in self pitty and regret and leave the world with no legacy cause i just dont deserve the life everyone else gets to enjoy.