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Stress, & more of the same (check-in #3)
3 months ago
Hello again!
Before I start talking, please tell me: are these monthly update posts something people enjoy reading? I like interacting with mutuals and people who follow me, but it would be a little strange & pointless to keep making these if nobody cares, since the whole idea is to talk with & get to know the people who follow me. So please comment and tell me: should I bother making more journals like this?
Now onto the updates:
This past month has been up & down, I've had good and bad & while none of it has been major i like sharing here so far.
First, the bad:
I feel like everything I do is on a strict deadline, I'm incredibly stressed out all the time & often sad because of how many people close to me are struggling, it feels like the positive things in my life are just stolen from the people I love. I've started dating for the first time since 2019, & I may end up moving by the end of the year depending on how things go with the person I've been seeing, and I'm very much not ready or wanting to do that even if my current living situation causes a lot of stress...
I've been starting to have recurring nightmares, they happen in sets of 4 or 5 in a single night, I rarely remember them but the mental distress they cause leaves me completely shaken for days after. I'm running on fumes & struggling to make time to explore what kind of person I'm supposed to be; I hit the ground running earlier this year with my decision to become a new person entirely, but I've hit so many walls in the past few weeks that it becomes very hard to keep pushing forward. I keep trying of course, & I know that mistakes are part of the process, but it's still very hard.
And now the good!
I've always been shy & quiet, partially because of my mental struggles & partially because it's just my personality; I never really experimented with fashion or makeup or showing the world who I really am. I've always tried to blend into the background, I always wore bland clothes, bland haircuts, never voicing my own thoughts, & I'm fed up with essentially living as a ghost who will be forgotten the minute I'm gone; I want people to acknowledge me, and see me and love me.
I'm trying to finally show my personality openly & I've been having lots of fun doing it! I'm looking at clothes I never would've dreamed of trying just a year or two ago, & meeting new people and trying new things, and once I manage to find out what I really want to do & eventually turn my blind stumbling into real forward movement, I hope I can finally stop just existing & become someone real! I may finally make new social media accounts after leaving mine dead for years, so I can interact more with others
I think that's everything I need to say this month, I will check in again in August!
Before I start talking, please tell me: are these monthly update posts something people enjoy reading? I like interacting with mutuals and people who follow me, but it would be a little strange & pointless to keep making these if nobody cares, since the whole idea is to talk with & get to know the people who follow me. So please comment and tell me: should I bother making more journals like this?
Now onto the updates:
This past month has been up & down, I've had good and bad & while none of it has been major i like sharing here so far.
First, the bad:
I feel like everything I do is on a strict deadline, I'm incredibly stressed out all the time & often sad because of how many people close to me are struggling, it feels like the positive things in my life are just stolen from the people I love. I've started dating for the first time since 2019, & I may end up moving by the end of the year depending on how things go with the person I've been seeing, and I'm very much not ready or wanting to do that even if my current living situation causes a lot of stress...
I've been starting to have recurring nightmares, they happen in sets of 4 or 5 in a single night, I rarely remember them but the mental distress they cause leaves me completely shaken for days after. I'm running on fumes & struggling to make time to explore what kind of person I'm supposed to be; I hit the ground running earlier this year with my decision to become a new person entirely, but I've hit so many walls in the past few weeks that it becomes very hard to keep pushing forward. I keep trying of course, & I know that mistakes are part of the process, but it's still very hard.
And now the good!
I've always been shy & quiet, partially because of my mental struggles & partially because it's just my personality; I never really experimented with fashion or makeup or showing the world who I really am. I've always tried to blend into the background, I always wore bland clothes, bland haircuts, never voicing my own thoughts, & I'm fed up with essentially living as a ghost who will be forgotten the minute I'm gone; I want people to acknowledge me, and see me and love me.
I'm trying to finally show my personality openly & I've been having lots of fun doing it! I'm looking at clothes I never would've dreamed of trying just a year or two ago, & meeting new people and trying new things, and once I manage to find out what I really want to do & eventually turn my blind stumbling into real forward movement, I hope I can finally stop just existing & become someone real! I may finally make new social media accounts after leaving mine dead for years, so I can interact more with others
I think that's everything I need to say this month, I will check in again in August!
Self-expression can help you find new friends with the same mindset and interests, it's cool! It is possible that one day something (or someone,,) will lead you to the very path you are looking for ~
I hope everything is fine in your relationship and you have the opportunity to arrange a move. This is always a lot of stress, and with your current situation, based on the description, it may not have a very good effect.
Give yourself a break, don't rush things! Becoming a new person is a big and responsible step, but it also takes a lot of effort. Take care of yourself!