When I think I've made friends offline they ghost me. I directly ask but they don't tell me why or answer at all. I spend days replaying every single interaction in my head trying to understand what the fuck it is I say and do that make me so incomprehensibly repulsive. Everything ends rejection, and I don't think I can try anymore. I don't know the extent of my brain damage, and I no longer have insurance that will cover the scans. My head always hurts and if the assault exacerbated a hidden cancer the neurologist suspects i wish it would just kill me. My court appointed victim's advocate has been furloughed, so I can't file anything to get help. The statute of limitations is up to press charges against the coward that punching me in the head over and fucking over again because I wouldn't let him continue to beat a woman. I still don't regret confronting the bastard and I hope he rots in prison until he dies. Now without access to medical care I can't work. My job is gone and tariffs are crippling my vocation. I'm going to go bankrupt and lose my fucking cars because they're the only goddamn things I have of any monetary value and even though that amount is miniscule the creditors will still seize them. I'm thousands of dollars in fucking debt because a Fortune 500 company was allowed to rob me and I've never been able to recover. Because those fucking assholes I had to use credit cards to pay credit cards and I can't keep up. They have hundreds of infractions regarding stolen wages but the fines are infinitesimal when the company's value exceeds $2.80 billion dollars. For the rich fines are just another cost of doing business. So why would anyone want to help me when I'm a lost cause. No one can help me because nobody can even afford to take care of themselves. Me asking for help is selfish and it's not fair. I'm several hours away from home crying in a parking lot hiding in my car and I don't know if I can go back. I think it's probably good Hotch is dead because a long time ago Sasha said he wouldn't want the responsibility of taking care of him if something happened to me. If Sasha doesn't want to keep my cats my parents will probably take them because they're good cats and they aren't like me so it shouldn't be difficult to find someone to love them. I can't burden Sasha further. Jesus Christ I'm so fucking lonely. If I lose my cars I have nothing to live for My cars never hurt me and they're always there and hiding inside is the only place I feel safe. I know it doesn't actually matter how much good I do in the world because ultimately everybody dies alone and we all die in darkness. I'm so fucking lonely and unlovable and my head never stops hurting anymore I just can't fucking live like this but I can't die on the east coast because that's not how this is supposed to end