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What If I know something
a month ago
General
I keep waiting to be perfect before I let anyone hear what I think. As if all my ideas, experience or knowledge aren’t quite good enough to share. It’s this vague feeling that until I reach perfection, until my ideas are pure and correct, I'm not allowed to say things.
It’s one of the many ways perfectionism manifests in my life. It’s quite silly and lacks any logic upon closer inspection. But in my head it does make sense. For example: I don't want to play chess to learn chess. I’m only allowed to play chess once I'm perfect at it. You can imagine my playing experience is very frustrating - The moment I lose, I’ve essentially failed. Another example is this meditation retreat I’ve been wanting to attend for years. However, since my own practice is very inconsistent, and not quite there yet, I’m not good enough to attend. I’m essentially waiting until I’m a perfect meditator to go. And somehow my logic completely misses the fact that the whole point of a retreat IS to learn!
My goal isn’t to identify the roots of my perfectionism here or anything, but there’s these same patterns all over. I need to feel perfectly energetic and social, before I can socialise; I need to have a perfect workout plan/nutrition regimen, before I can start working out. And now I'm finding the same thing in regards to writing and sharing ideas. I’ve been interested in writing for a while, maybe even making a video essay about things I'm interested in. But my god, how dare I even think about sharing ideas, before I have PERFECT ideas? How can I claim to know something, when I don't know everything?
It’s unrealistic, paralysing, and a little silly. I’ve done a lot of work on perfectionism when it comes to art. The more I let go of this compulsion to perfection, the more liberating my creative process feels. So maybe it’s time I start applying that to other parts of life. Maybe I don’t need perfect ideas before I'm allowed to share one with you. Maybe I do know something, without needing to know everything. And maybe by sharing something imperfect, I'll get a heck of a lot closer to perfection than by never sharing anything at all.
It’s one of the many ways perfectionism manifests in my life. It’s quite silly and lacks any logic upon closer inspection. But in my head it does make sense. For example: I don't want to play chess to learn chess. I’m only allowed to play chess once I'm perfect at it. You can imagine my playing experience is very frustrating - The moment I lose, I’ve essentially failed. Another example is this meditation retreat I’ve been wanting to attend for years. However, since my own practice is very inconsistent, and not quite there yet, I’m not good enough to attend. I’m essentially waiting until I’m a perfect meditator to go. And somehow my logic completely misses the fact that the whole point of a retreat IS to learn!
My goal isn’t to identify the roots of my perfectionism here or anything, but there’s these same patterns all over. I need to feel perfectly energetic and social, before I can socialise; I need to have a perfect workout plan/nutrition regimen, before I can start working out. And now I'm finding the same thing in regards to writing and sharing ideas. I’ve been interested in writing for a while, maybe even making a video essay about things I'm interested in. But my god, how dare I even think about sharing ideas, before I have PERFECT ideas? How can I claim to know something, when I don't know everything?
It’s unrealistic, paralysing, and a little silly. I’ve done a lot of work on perfectionism when it comes to art. The more I let go of this compulsion to perfection, the more liberating my creative process feels. So maybe it’s time I start applying that to other parts of life. Maybe I don’t need perfect ideas before I'm allowed to share one with you. Maybe I do know something, without needing to know everything. And maybe by sharing something imperfect, I'll get a heck of a lot closer to perfection than by never sharing anything at all.
junkersquawker
~junkersquawker
Good journal. I can kind of relate. From a young age I could pretty quickly work out what was going to be an important skill / field to me and what was a waste of my time. But it sometimes makes me quickly dismissive of things, or get pissy about it when I don't nail something first time or feel ill equipped. I can have loads of patience for other people but none for myself. It definitely is paralyzing sometimes... it's so easy to say 'no' to yourself isn't it?
KerpeSamana
~kerpesamana
OP
Thanks, and yeah I think I developed some sort of expectation of myself to be great at anything I decide to pick up. But that's obviously not how things work, and it's been sabotaging me ever since. Theres so much joy of learning and failing and improving, that becomes inaccessible with this sort of mindset. It is something to think about that as u say we can offer others the patience we dont offer ourselves, and why that is.
nanimo
~nanimo
It helps seeing that all layed out. Wish I could have read something like this years ago. Find myself in an endless non starter of never being good enough to start.
KerpeSamana
~kerpesamana
OP
Glad it was insightful. Im still yet to figure out how does one actually deal with this though. I guess naming it is a good start
Draakae
~draakae
I think it might be something to do with having dependency on other people for whatever reasons, or feeling like you need their approval/respect/etc for self value. There are a bunch of different psychological terms for being avoidant. It's worth thinking about!
KerpeSamana
~kerpesamana
OP
My guess it's probably to do with childhood cptsd stuff, like most of my shit!
iveks
~iveks
It takes a lot of trust in others to do something that "fails", to share something unfinished or something that doesn't feel good enough, to let people see your rough edges. But it can be liberating, too, and bring you closer to people you care about. <3
