Hi, it’s me again. After 7 months of being absent, again, and after like 2 years of being sporadically absent I feel like it’s time to rip the bandaid off with probably news none of you here who likes my art or whatever wants to hear:

I am pretty much giving up posting my art here (not sure temporarily or permanently yet), as well as deleting art here I am no longer proud of and art that I am uncomfortable having online anymore, as well probably just giving up my dream of being “something” online.

I will get into the jist of all this and what the hell I’ve been facing these past 2-3 years but that’s basically the message that’s important right now. So if you want to unfollow me go right ahead. Why am I not deleting this account entirely? Well I don’t want to go complete scorched earth yet and if I ever find a way out of what I’m dealing with I don’t want a new account and all that.

So to explain why I’m doing this…. It’s simple. I hate myself. I hate my fetishes. I hate my art. I hate my sona. I hate feeling too exhausted every day. I hate how I cannot create anything meaningful anymore. I feel uncomfortable on this platform and pretty much all platforms anymore due to the rise of ai (why I don’t make YouTube videos or have a deviantart account anymore) as well as the toxicity and mass surveillance of pretty much every website by people who want me dead. I am dealing with too much stress and anxiety and legit mental health issues that are affecting my day to day life these past 2 years that makes it hard for me to create anything good. My body has been hurting and I cannot remember when the last time my body felt “healthy” and normal. Every day I feel is my last, wondering whether the health problems are real or in my head, and since the American healthcare system wants me dead too I don’t trust them either, not like they listen anyway after going to the hospital and urgent care plenty in 2025 and doctors never finding what I go for and thinking I’m a fucking lunatic. Every time I try to better my life it ends up hurting me. Every time I try to apply for jobs I get nothing. Every time I go to adult classes I end up not learning. Every time I try to create anything or draw or paint or write or build something I just end up with pain all over my body. Every time I wake up I think about my mortality and how I’ve done nothing with myself and how much of a burden I am to everyone. Every day is pain. Not to mention how the USA is turning into a living nightmare and I am forced to watch everyone I know and care about getting hurt and suffering as well as the world growing ever more cold and miserable. I wanted to be a light in the world but I don’t think I have the strength anymore, not like I did from 2017-2021. I am unsure what to do but I feel like I’m at a real breaking point where I’m going to either lose everything or something really bad happening. I wanted this year to be better than last year but it’s clear it won’t be.

If this is the last journal I ever post then I hope whatever you saw in my art or myself or whatever I hope you liked it because I’m going to start my art purge in a couple days depending on the weather so whatever you want to save do so.
What happens next? No clue. Not even sure how I’m gonna feel in another day or week or month or whatever. If I do feel better from this then potentially I’ll create some other stuff but probably very sporadic and probably nothing anyone here likes or cares about.