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[9/24/2010] Too much food, and more writing
15 years ago
General
Spent most of the morning listening to FBA Post Up Podcast (first time listening to it, and loving it. And I hate basketball XD).
And then I ate at Denny's. And I ate way, way too much. Blech.
Sat down to resume writing, and cranked out something much better than I had yesterday. It was alot easier to write, words came more quickly, and more natural. I'm satisfied with it, for now. I posted yesterday's draft in scraps, and today's draft in Submissions. I'll move it to scraps in the future.
Check them both out if you dare, and help a 'pine out with criticism, etc.
Crummy version (scraps): http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4528274/
Better version: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4528295
Be advised, some strong language is present. Feedback is appreciated! I'm a tough porcupine, I can take it.
And then I ate at Denny's. And I ate way, way too much. Blech.
Sat down to resume writing, and cranked out something much better than I had yesterday. It was alot easier to write, words came more quickly, and more natural. I'm satisfied with it, for now. I posted yesterday's draft in scraps, and today's draft in Submissions. I'll move it to scraps in the future.
Check them both out if you dare, and help a 'pine out with criticism, etc.
Crummy version (scraps): http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4528274/
Better version: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4528295
Be advised, some strong language is present. Feedback is appreciated! I'm a tough porcupine, I can take it.
I apologize for my response time being so long, and for this piece of feedback being so brief. I'll try to get you something more detailed soon.
One thing I notice that you might want to pay close attention to is the use of commas. I noticed several points where you had what could have easily been two good sentences smished together into one not-so-good one.
You've done a good job of keeping everything in present tense. There is no flip-flopping back and forth between past and present tense. Very well done!
Yeah, comma use is something I'm terrible at. I'll look it over and see if I can pinpoint them. I also know I tend to overuse commas in sentences that don't need them, or need as many.
I'm glad my tenses didn't switch; I didn't even think to double-check, but I'm glad I didn't have to.
I'll be writing more today, but just as quick question if you do give me a more detailed critique, does the opening few paragraphs work for a first scene, or is it too 'in the middle of things'? Openings and endings are what I worry will be my weakest points overall.
It is quite true that you need to grab the reader with a solid opening. One of the things I've learned from my writing group (and from
One thing I did notice which threw me off a little was the mixture of someone saying "Ell Dee Oh Oh Two" in one part and then "LD-002" later on. That feels a bit jarring to me. I would think that you would only spell it out if there was a noticeable accent which you were trying to highlight.
I'll jot down some more details a bit later. Ciao!