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STUPID JOKES ARE GOOD FOR YOU
15 years ago
General
Because I'm sick to death of drama right now, that's why.
~~~~~~~~~~
*That would totally suck if you were blind AND afraid of the dark...
*How not to start a conversation:
'Man, my earwax tasted bad this morning...'
*Q: Why did Howie Mandell break into my house at three in the morning last night and puke in my mouth while I was sleeping?
A: Because I paid him to.
*Two gynecologists are examining Liv Tyler, and one says to the other, 'Dude, looks like a labia.'
*Apostrophes. It's not like they fucking cost money, people.
*I've always wanted a vanity plate that says: I8YRCAT
*Every time I see one of those shirts that say "Pain is just weakness leaving the body", I wanna grab a two-by-four dipped in vinegar and studded with nails and beat the wearer for several weeks while screaming, 'YOU'RE GETTING STRONGER! YOU'RE GETTING STRONGER! YOU'RE GETTING STRONGER!'
*Regarding internet fights: It's not about their response, it's how much fun you have composing yours.
*Just to be able to say I had, I watched an episode of Barney & Friends. All the way through. And I must say, the experience was rather a lot like having handfuls of human shit crammed into your eye sockets.
*Have you heard about the Terry Schaivo memorial bobblehead?
Shake it all you want; that head ain't movin' for shit.
*First guy: Didja hear some big American company's shown an interest in human cloning?
Second guy: Which one?
First guy: Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson.
*[Sign outside of a convention hall]:
National Irony-Fanciers' Convention.
keynote speaker: Silent Bob
*Q: What do they eat their dinner with in Norway?
A: Fjorks.
*FUN FACT: Sean Connery's penis has a little white mustache.
*I have this thing that makes me stutter whenever I get an erection. It's like a nervous tic or something. Anyway, the other day I was walking past a p-p-p-preschool and...
*PICKUP LINES DESIGNED TO CONFUSE
Guy: Do you like having your pussy eaten?
Girl: Sure!
Guy: So do I.
*'The fog rolled in off the bay like a teeming horde of racist dental hygienists.'
*We were driving to Wal-Mart today for teh Christmas shoppings, and on the way we passed Faym-Us Chicken: a tiny restaurant with a locally-beloved six-foot-tall statue of a chicken on their roof. Not a block away was the city police station with a nativity out front. And it hit me how totally awesome it would be if someone stole the Faym-Us chicken, and the Virgin Mary, and swapped them.
And that's all I have to say about Christmas.
*'Oh my god I have to poop so bad!! It's like Darth Vader is punching my butt from the inside!!'
*Q: How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.
*This year, I resolve to stop wiping my ass with things in the bathroom that are not actually toilet paper. Like towels, washcloths, my pants leg, the cat, and Grandpa.
*Q: Why is the holocaust like a Harry Potter book?
A: They're both fiction!! :D
*It occurs to me that the sentence "Inflation makes balloons go up" can have two different yet equally true meanings.
*I just had a great idea. You know what'd be awesome? Imagine a restaurant where you can order... Are you ready for this? ...A tophat full of nachos. A fucking TOPHAT. Full of NACHOS. Just oozing with cheese from top to bottom. Now, it'd probably be cost-prohibitive to use REAL tophats, but I'm sure they could come up with some kind of fold-out waxed cardboard tophat for containing the nachos. Either way, just imagine pulling up to the drive-through window with your honey on your arm and saying, 'I'd like a goddamned tophat full of nachos, please.' Now that's classy.
*Kalamazoo spelled backwards is Oozamalak. That's pretty damn funny.
~~~~~~~~~~
*That would totally suck if you were blind AND afraid of the dark...
*How not to start a conversation:
'Man, my earwax tasted bad this morning...'
*Q: Why did Howie Mandell break into my house at three in the morning last night and puke in my mouth while I was sleeping?
A: Because I paid him to.
*Two gynecologists are examining Liv Tyler, and one says to the other, 'Dude, looks like a labia.'
*Apostrophes. It's not like they fucking cost money, people.
*I've always wanted a vanity plate that says: I8YRCAT
*Every time I see one of those shirts that say "Pain is just weakness leaving the body", I wanna grab a two-by-four dipped in vinegar and studded with nails and beat the wearer for several weeks while screaming, 'YOU'RE GETTING STRONGER! YOU'RE GETTING STRONGER! YOU'RE GETTING STRONGER!'
*Regarding internet fights: It's not about their response, it's how much fun you have composing yours.
*Just to be able to say I had, I watched an episode of Barney & Friends. All the way through. And I must say, the experience was rather a lot like having handfuls of human shit crammed into your eye sockets.
*Have you heard about the Terry Schaivo memorial bobblehead?
Shake it all you want; that head ain't movin' for shit.
*First guy: Didja hear some big American company's shown an interest in human cloning?
Second guy: Which one?
First guy: Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson.
*[Sign outside of a convention hall]:
National Irony-Fanciers' Convention.
keynote speaker: Silent Bob
*Q: What do they eat their dinner with in Norway?
A: Fjorks.
*FUN FACT: Sean Connery's penis has a little white mustache.
*I have this thing that makes me stutter whenever I get an erection. It's like a nervous tic or something. Anyway, the other day I was walking past a p-p-p-preschool and...
*PICKUP LINES DESIGNED TO CONFUSE
Guy: Do you like having your pussy eaten?
Girl: Sure!
Guy: So do I.
*'The fog rolled in off the bay like a teeming horde of racist dental hygienists.'
*We were driving to Wal-Mart today for teh Christmas shoppings, and on the way we passed Faym-Us Chicken: a tiny restaurant with a locally-beloved six-foot-tall statue of a chicken on their roof. Not a block away was the city police station with a nativity out front. And it hit me how totally awesome it would be if someone stole the Faym-Us chicken, and the Virgin Mary, and swapped them.
And that's all I have to say about Christmas.
*'Oh my god I have to poop so bad!! It's like Darth Vader is punching my butt from the inside!!'
*Q: How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.
*This year, I resolve to stop wiping my ass with things in the bathroom that are not actually toilet paper. Like towels, washcloths, my pants leg, the cat, and Grandpa.
*Q: Why is the holocaust like a Harry Potter book?
A: They're both fiction!! :D
*It occurs to me that the sentence "Inflation makes balloons go up" can have two different yet equally true meanings.
*I just had a great idea. You know what'd be awesome? Imagine a restaurant where you can order... Are you ready for this? ...A tophat full of nachos. A fucking TOPHAT. Full of NACHOS. Just oozing with cheese from top to bottom. Now, it'd probably be cost-prohibitive to use REAL tophats, but I'm sure they could come up with some kind of fold-out waxed cardboard tophat for containing the nachos. Either way, just imagine pulling up to the drive-through window with your honey on your arm and saying, 'I'd like a goddamned tophat full of nachos, please.' Now that's classy.
*Kalamazoo spelled backwards is Oozamalak. That's pretty damn funny.
YES. YES.
- I saw cheerleading tryouts at a local grade school and thought "Damn strippers get younger every year."
*Apostrophes. It's not like they fucking cost money, people.
-With this economy. That wont last long. Im saving all my apostrophes for my eulogy. That way my grand kids can read it and tell the world what i think of them. In smegma written cursive.
*I've always wanted a vanity plate that says: I8YRCAT
- And have it hanging on the back of a rickshaw.
*How not to start a conversation:
'Man, my earwax tasted bad this morning...'
- How to end a conversation:
'.... and thats why my nipples are shaped like Margret Thatcher. So, how is your testicular torsion?'
Aw. See, then it's just a cheap Asian joke. Maybe I should go with I8YRKID instead.
I'll agree with that, hahaha.
And not to put a damper on anything but...did you hear that Leslie Nielsen died? D:
Both verifiable in this very apartment! >:3
What, you did not know? They are made in a factory in Surrey, England. Of course, they mostly use them over there as quote marks, so the tariffs to get them here are ridiculous.
And I will tell you, some of us would not need to skimp on apostrophes if some others would stop using them in possessive pronouns. "Mine, yours, his, hers, its, ours, theirs"-- these all go together. They are not possessive nouns, or even contractions with "is," so stop being so wasteful.
Sorry, that took a strange focus.
Anyway, I wrote a joke with you in mind, and though it probably goes against one of your guidelines to post a journal with an isolated joke, that's what I did: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1901984/ What do you think?
That seems... oddly fitting, actually.
>Anyway, I wrote a joke with you in mind, and though it probably goes against one of your guidelines to post a journal with an isolated joke,
There's no guidelines; I just have such an overaccumulation of joke-ish things I write down, that to do individual journals with each one would take me several decades.
you just made me smile :3
but if you're blind you don't really see anything or was that not the point?
Gods my sense of humor sucks the only thing I can think of is
What would happen if you were aerophobic or vitaphobic?
Um, 'cuz if you were blind, it'd be dark all the time...
>What would happen if you were aerophobic or vitaphobic?
Or autophobic?
say that instead of seeing black or what's commonly referred to as darkness they just see nothing as in no shade at all...
And what about essephobic and Cogitaphobic?
(Personally I think the latter is more widespread than people realize)
I'm not sure what those are and Google's no help. Clarify?
Cogita-latin root for thinking thus fear of thinking
Though if you ever saw that god awefull remake of the time machine.. You know what the out come of that would be XD ... "Booom" Oh there the ameican/mexican flag is..
And although this guy is suposed to be a comedian XD he is as tasteless as sour grapes.
Thinking about it, the top hat is a really good idea irl too. Imagine cardboard tophats like those KFC buckets and the flap has little pools built in for the different dips. Nacho Hat could become as popular as Pizza Hut. And next to it you put a barbershop that offers discount hairwash for all the kids that find it so funny to put the cheesy greasy tophat on their heads.
Dipping sauce containers become monocles when you finish with 'em.
BOO-YAH!
> keynote speaker: Silent Bob
Maybe Silent Bob's nickname is itself ironic, and he is in reality quite talkative.
*gets shushed*
...a nickel?
He's absolutely correct! Learn how to use 'em correctly, though. They're cheap, so let's practice!
*I've always wanted a vanity plate that says: I8YRCAT
Is your name Gordon Shumway, by any chance?
*Regarding internet fights: It's not about their response, it's how much fun you have composing yours.
i lol'd @ ur troll
*I just had a great idea. You know what'd be awesome? Imagine a restaurant where you can order a tophat full of nachos.
Great idea! Though I'd likely gain about 300 pounds from eating at Nacho Hat all the time. On the gripping hand, it would lead to an awful lot of "It's Nacho Hat, it's MY hat!" arguments.
*Kalamazoo spelled backwards is Oozamalak. That's pretty damn funny.
Considering where Kalamazoo is, run with it a little...
Nagihcim, Oozamalak.
Hmm... Not sure whether it sounds like Hebrew or what...
I see what you did there...
>On the gripping hand, it would lead to an awful lot of "It's Nacho Hat, it's MY hat!" arguments.
<groan>
>Hmm... Not sure whether it sounds like Hebrew or what...
OMG! It totally does!