FA+
Shop
a little history / aka things about kitten you may not know.
14 years ago
not sure what I'm doin, aside from being up later than I should listening to stupid music and feeling shitty for one reason or another... anywho... got to thinkin, I say things and people occasionally say they don't know/remember me telling them about it...so...
kitten was born may 5, 1984, in Dardanelle Arkansas, one of the last babies delivered at that hospital before they rerouted across the river... My mom n dad, and my older brother... my dad served in the army and spent time in Germany...he also had an accident at some time in the early to mid 80s where he broke his neck, luckily he WASNT wearing his seatbelt because the truck was annihilated...he spent some time in a HALO and has the dimples in his head to prove it. when I was a wee tot I apparently had a few ER visits...for swallowing lighter fluid once...another for giggling and walking into a forklift fork head on and takin a chunk out of my forehead. My family operated (and still does) a pallet company (you know those wooden skids wal mart puts product on to move around the store...the big ass blue ones?) so admittedly I was spoiled for a chunk of my childhood, although not completely...we still only got CBS and NBC on our television. I spent all my life going to church, a Pentecostal church in fact, and to this day I am still a rather devout Christian who admittedly is rather flawed. I was taught how to handle cows, and shoot, and other things, by the time I was 10. conversely, I also had a cow step on my leg and shatter it when I was really young (all I remember is my grandpa helping me into the truck to go to the hospital) doctor's doubted I'd be able to walk for a long time.go figure I'm so damn stubborn *laughs a bit* I didn't even have the cast off before I was walking again. my cousin hit me in the head with a rock and cracked open the opposite side of my head. In the third grade I got some wacky notion in my head and wanted to cut a piece of wood. Well, my hand slipped and I was lucky to keep my finger...3 times in my life I've had to have myself stitched up, and I have conscious memories of all of them (the first two I remember a few moments before, and a few flashes of the ER...the finger I remember every detail, of which I am thankful for because my grandfather was the one that first realized I'd hurt myself). I regularly would go to the race track next door to my grandparents place, it was always a nice place to go and enjoy the small town redneck life.
on the downside again... by the time I was ten...I had lost one of my great grandmothers, whom we ate at her house regularly...and my grandfather died too not but a year later. I still remember huddled in the backseat of the car crying and begging God to let him be okay... I still miss him... I wasn't even 10 I don't think... another thing I thought about a lot was this pair of girls we took care of as part of a church program (they were from the Tupelo Children's Mansion, if you've heard of it) they were both such sweet girls, but they had such sad upbringings... one of them, I remember, her dad killed her mom and if I recall correctly, the only thing she had left from her mom was a pair of her socks...I still think about the two of them a lot too... I really hope they have had good lives...one was my age, the other a few years older...as a young child, my father was an alcoholic, and I remember several times he and my mother having fights... four in particular I can remember rather clearly...1> my mom tossing me and my brother in the car, and then the two of them cursing and yelling at each other in the driveway... 2> my mom and dad screaming and throwing dishes at each other until the cabinet was empty...I was so...I don't know...I just silently helped my mom pick up the shards out of the carpet...and told her I would use my allowance to buy new dishes... 3> my birthday one year, i can't even remember what they fought about, but the conclusion was my dad forbid my mother to come to my birthday dinner and I ran and hid...I was so scared...I didn't want to go to dinner if someone else couldn't go... 4> all I can remember is a rather rough one... my mom huddled up in the bathroom saying "i'll be good... i'll be good" after they'd had a fight... also had a scare one night, i was 7 or 8... my older brother had crashed his bike. someone brightlighted him going into a corner and he took out a fence...broke his arm...
between 5 and 10, I thought a lot about various things... what this "gay" thing was I kept hearing about in the news from time to time... why someone would blow up a federal building (terrorism was still an alien concept to me back then) and the brutality of the OJ trial...I didn't know who he was before then, but I still followed the trial... everyone did...I kept myself as busy as I could with my chlidhood...nintendo...disney... things like that... the various traumas I managed to repress fairly well with time... when I was in the 6th grade, we all decided to add to the family... my mother wasn't sprouting crops after I was born, so we had a friend of ours be a surrogate mother to my little brother. I remember to this day, sleeping in the car while everyone was inside with the midwives...the place was right next to the train tracks... we got to eat lunch at Wendy's with the little guy in the car... his name, steven... admittedly I'm horrible with dates, he was born in September though...he, mom, and dad, all 3 are in the same week...
after that things were lookin up, I got to move to a new school because the old one was screwing me over (I got the shit beat out of me and charges ended up following... the school people ended up looking really stupid, so my mom did her damnedest to get me into a more reputable school district) I had more friends...I had a better allowance and was able to save up to buy my own video games now (step one to becoming un-spoiled)...shoot, by the time I was 14 my older brother had made me his drinking buddy! we were even going to get another little brother, this girl we all met was having a baby and didn't want it, so we agreed to adopt him... Jonathan ^_^
I went into high school about the time Jon was born, I was in the school's JROTC program, doin exceedingly well... I was in the top 10%, had a lot of friends, plenty of respect, my brother was getting married and they invited me over regularly to hang out and stuff...we'd sit around, watch movies, chill, drink, you know... at the end of freshman year, I went to Ft Leonard Wood MO for a JROTC summer program. I learned a lot about myself (particularly that I only wanted to join the army to prove to myself that I could do it... which the summer program proved...) I met a girl too, that had a kid, I was thinking about being with her because hey, I was willing to give up a lot of things to be a parent...
then, I was chilling at home one day over the summer break between freshman and sophomore year... my kid brother Steven had been gettin ill a lot lately, and we couldn't figure it out... after almost two months of doctor to doctor skipping...they all called me at home to tell me... "Steven has cancer... i-its pretty bad..." ...which meant... after me and my older brother looked around a bit... Steven had around a hundred tumors in his body...stage 4 Neuroblastoma... the doctor said literally that you couldn't put your palm on his body anywhere without touching one of them... his statistically chances of survival were less than 0.15%...apparently the doctors tried to get people around us to keep us from getting "too attached" ...this is why I'm so religious... two different incidents...we got him to our church to have him prayed for, and the very next set of tests (as well as visible improvement in his condition within an hour of the prayers) were, as the doctors put it... "night and day" ...and later on, he had to go through a bone marrow transplant, which left him in Isolation for a while (BMP leaves your immune system completely wrecked) where this young child told everyone "jesus came in and said I was gonna be alright" and then swore up and down it wasn't our pastor or anyone else that had been visiting the hospital recently... in all of his time undergoing chemo and BMP, he never got sick (again, quoting docs "guts of steel" ) and get this...BMP usually knocks your immune system out for months..the hospital's record was over a month, and the kid told the doctors flat out "I'm goin home for christmas...watch me" and he went in at the start of December... kid shattered their record and they actually felt he would be safe coming home for a few hours on christmas... to this day the only sign anything ever went wrong, is the fact he is so much shorter than other kids his age (which says a lot, considering he is almost as tall as me... I'm so damn short...)
the next set of crashes came a few years after all of this...I was in college, first year...I'd graduated from HS, had a relationship with a girl since my junior year... She had an older brother, but he'd died...whether from suicide or accidental death, they didn't really know... we'd dated for like 3 months before doing ANYTHING, almost a year before we had sex...trouble was, by this time I'd actually come out to her as being bi, and the rollercoasters started... of course, then there was other things... a close friend of our family drowned in the lake nearby while playing with an RC boat his father got him. my brother's marriage shattered because his wife had turned into a total bitch...cue custody battle for the kids... his new girlfriend (now his wife), her brother was executed in a gas station robbery. Kid was trying to pay his own way through college, even though his folks could have paid every cent... but yeah, moving up and on, here I was, came home one night, nobody home (odd, but not unlikely). I was just chilling out on the computer when my gf and my cousin show up, and...Jon had died...he was only 5, and he'd been a diagnosed epileptic, and his medication had ended up causing an adverse reaction...he suffered multiple organ failure and couldn't be resuscitated. I had reasons (valid ones no less) to blame myself... and so I did, for almost six months... for six whole months I bottled my shit up and blamed myself, all the while dealing with the fact I was falling in love with my best friend, a sweet guy I'd met, and my gf was having trouble dealing with it too... eventually I stumbled in the door one day, went to the closet, grabbed a 9mm that my dad kept in the hall closet, loaded it... and held it to my temple...I wanted so much to just be selfish... it was so easy to cut myself to make the pain stop, but it always came back...I just wanted it all to go away...I didn't want to hurt people, I'd killed my baby brother because I hadn't looked into the medication he'd been prescribed...because I hadn't been there when his body shut down... (irrational yes...I know) I wanted to die, because it was just... I laid there on the floor, trying to will myself to pull the trigger...but I couldn't do it...I wanted so much to be selfish, but I kept thinking about my family...and how my gf and my best friend (a future bf) had sworn to me when they saw me slipping months back... "if you do it...we'll follow..." Finally, I unloaded it and put it away, and for years I never told a soul...
finally, my gf told me one day... that she was going to leave me, not because she didn't love me, but because she could see that I was forcing myself to "be straight" and that I deserved true happiness...we remain friends to this day...I ended up moving in with her for about six months before economic reasons forced us to move out. I dated my best friend for a while, about 4 months, before he broke up with me because we were too...different...alike? i never quite really understood... we don't talk a whole lot anymore, but I still care about him, and I'm very proud of him (I am hon, if you read this, I'm proud of who you are, who you were, and all that). I ended up in a relationship with a fox a ways out, and he introduced me to a few nice people... one of which I live with now, and another of which has been a great inspiration in my life. we dated for about 3 years, before some shit happened which he couldn't (or wouldn't) atone for, and so I moved on... I didn't stop loving him...I still love him...but you can't be with someone that doesn't respect you or themselves...anywho, at some point in those 3 years I was a bit of a halfway house for blundering fools... a close friend who had some issues, but he is a good kid through and through... a homophobe who ended up getting thrown out because he was a blithering idiot and threatened me...a furry drama queen who...well...lets just say that he has been all over from oklahoma to new york at least, hopping around from bedroom to bedroom... a guy that was good and responsible for himself, but his pet responsibilities were a bit lacking... and then there was my panda pal... I had just gotten moved into a trailer home as opposed to a crummy 2 room apartment...me, panda, and my buddy (also named will) moved in...we all lived there for two whole years, and we did decent... though we had to deal with my aunt and then my grandfather on dad's side, they both died...
the upside to all my grief, over the time from about 05-08 I was doing well, to an extent, and I started to truly come into my own... started to travel more, attended the cons I could, and befriended a few people...now, I have friends and lovers I would gladly die for, I love them that much...although I find myself more often wanting to wring their necks *chuckles* but... I also had a 3 year stint of taking martial arts courses...
Of course, I was also outed during this time...around 2005 or 2006... and my parents are just now getting around to truly dealing with it... and eventually, in late 2009, I moved up here to Ohio to live with my panda pal on his home soil. I had a job for about 9 years, until late 08, when I ended up unemployed and unable to get work in the crappy economy back in Arkansas... but up here I was promised a job, which I worked hard at until June of 2010 when we all quit because our boss was being sued for unethical behavior (things like...embezzlement?). i've been trying to get a job since, and it has been a HORRIBLE chore :/
of course, all clouds have a silver lining... kitten has had blessings for most curses... I got to spend time with Felix when I was still employed... my foxie ex introduced me to a dear dear friend now...who in turn introduced me to a few wonderful friends... now we are all sorta a family ^_^
and now...I've been typing for two whole hours... I don't know what to say except...screw this, I'm going to sleep... and if anyone wants to...punch a Sam's Club employee today... they have been jerking me around for two weeks and its pissing me off...
kitten was born may 5, 1984, in Dardanelle Arkansas, one of the last babies delivered at that hospital before they rerouted across the river... My mom n dad, and my older brother... my dad served in the army and spent time in Germany...he also had an accident at some time in the early to mid 80s where he broke his neck, luckily he WASNT wearing his seatbelt because the truck was annihilated...he spent some time in a HALO and has the dimples in his head to prove it. when I was a wee tot I apparently had a few ER visits...for swallowing lighter fluid once...another for giggling and walking into a forklift fork head on and takin a chunk out of my forehead. My family operated (and still does) a pallet company (you know those wooden skids wal mart puts product on to move around the store...the big ass blue ones?) so admittedly I was spoiled for a chunk of my childhood, although not completely...we still only got CBS and NBC on our television. I spent all my life going to church, a Pentecostal church in fact, and to this day I am still a rather devout Christian who admittedly is rather flawed. I was taught how to handle cows, and shoot, and other things, by the time I was 10. conversely, I also had a cow step on my leg and shatter it when I was really young (all I remember is my grandpa helping me into the truck to go to the hospital) doctor's doubted I'd be able to walk for a long time.go figure I'm so damn stubborn *laughs a bit* I didn't even have the cast off before I was walking again. my cousin hit me in the head with a rock and cracked open the opposite side of my head. In the third grade I got some wacky notion in my head and wanted to cut a piece of wood. Well, my hand slipped and I was lucky to keep my finger...3 times in my life I've had to have myself stitched up, and I have conscious memories of all of them (the first two I remember a few moments before, and a few flashes of the ER...the finger I remember every detail, of which I am thankful for because my grandfather was the one that first realized I'd hurt myself). I regularly would go to the race track next door to my grandparents place, it was always a nice place to go and enjoy the small town redneck life.
on the downside again... by the time I was ten...I had lost one of my great grandmothers, whom we ate at her house regularly...and my grandfather died too not but a year later. I still remember huddled in the backseat of the car crying and begging God to let him be okay... I still miss him... I wasn't even 10 I don't think... another thing I thought about a lot was this pair of girls we took care of as part of a church program (they were from the Tupelo Children's Mansion, if you've heard of it) they were both such sweet girls, but they had such sad upbringings... one of them, I remember, her dad killed her mom and if I recall correctly, the only thing she had left from her mom was a pair of her socks...I still think about the two of them a lot too... I really hope they have had good lives...one was my age, the other a few years older...as a young child, my father was an alcoholic, and I remember several times he and my mother having fights... four in particular I can remember rather clearly...1> my mom tossing me and my brother in the car, and then the two of them cursing and yelling at each other in the driveway... 2> my mom and dad screaming and throwing dishes at each other until the cabinet was empty...I was so...I don't know...I just silently helped my mom pick up the shards out of the carpet...and told her I would use my allowance to buy new dishes... 3> my birthday one year, i can't even remember what they fought about, but the conclusion was my dad forbid my mother to come to my birthday dinner and I ran and hid...I was so scared...I didn't want to go to dinner if someone else couldn't go... 4> all I can remember is a rather rough one... my mom huddled up in the bathroom saying "i'll be good... i'll be good" after they'd had a fight... also had a scare one night, i was 7 or 8... my older brother had crashed his bike. someone brightlighted him going into a corner and he took out a fence...broke his arm...
between 5 and 10, I thought a lot about various things... what this "gay" thing was I kept hearing about in the news from time to time... why someone would blow up a federal building (terrorism was still an alien concept to me back then) and the brutality of the OJ trial...I didn't know who he was before then, but I still followed the trial... everyone did...I kept myself as busy as I could with my chlidhood...nintendo...disney... things like that... the various traumas I managed to repress fairly well with time... when I was in the 6th grade, we all decided to add to the family... my mother wasn't sprouting crops after I was born, so we had a friend of ours be a surrogate mother to my little brother. I remember to this day, sleeping in the car while everyone was inside with the midwives...the place was right next to the train tracks... we got to eat lunch at Wendy's with the little guy in the car... his name, steven... admittedly I'm horrible with dates, he was born in September though...he, mom, and dad, all 3 are in the same week...
after that things were lookin up, I got to move to a new school because the old one was screwing me over (I got the shit beat out of me and charges ended up following... the school people ended up looking really stupid, so my mom did her damnedest to get me into a more reputable school district) I had more friends...I had a better allowance and was able to save up to buy my own video games now (step one to becoming un-spoiled)...shoot, by the time I was 14 my older brother had made me his drinking buddy! we were even going to get another little brother, this girl we all met was having a baby and didn't want it, so we agreed to adopt him... Jonathan ^_^
I went into high school about the time Jon was born, I was in the school's JROTC program, doin exceedingly well... I was in the top 10%, had a lot of friends, plenty of respect, my brother was getting married and they invited me over regularly to hang out and stuff...we'd sit around, watch movies, chill, drink, you know... at the end of freshman year, I went to Ft Leonard Wood MO for a JROTC summer program. I learned a lot about myself (particularly that I only wanted to join the army to prove to myself that I could do it... which the summer program proved...) I met a girl too, that had a kid, I was thinking about being with her because hey, I was willing to give up a lot of things to be a parent...
then, I was chilling at home one day over the summer break between freshman and sophomore year... my kid brother Steven had been gettin ill a lot lately, and we couldn't figure it out... after almost two months of doctor to doctor skipping...they all called me at home to tell me... "Steven has cancer... i-its pretty bad..." ...which meant... after me and my older brother looked around a bit... Steven had around a hundred tumors in his body...stage 4 Neuroblastoma... the doctor said literally that you couldn't put your palm on his body anywhere without touching one of them... his statistically chances of survival were less than 0.15%...apparently the doctors tried to get people around us to keep us from getting "too attached" ...this is why I'm so religious... two different incidents...we got him to our church to have him prayed for, and the very next set of tests (as well as visible improvement in his condition within an hour of the prayers) were, as the doctors put it... "night and day" ...and later on, he had to go through a bone marrow transplant, which left him in Isolation for a while (BMP leaves your immune system completely wrecked) where this young child told everyone "jesus came in and said I was gonna be alright" and then swore up and down it wasn't our pastor or anyone else that had been visiting the hospital recently... in all of his time undergoing chemo and BMP, he never got sick (again, quoting docs "guts of steel" ) and get this...BMP usually knocks your immune system out for months..the hospital's record was over a month, and the kid told the doctors flat out "I'm goin home for christmas...watch me" and he went in at the start of December... kid shattered their record and they actually felt he would be safe coming home for a few hours on christmas... to this day the only sign anything ever went wrong, is the fact he is so much shorter than other kids his age (which says a lot, considering he is almost as tall as me... I'm so damn short...)
the next set of crashes came a few years after all of this...I was in college, first year...I'd graduated from HS, had a relationship with a girl since my junior year... She had an older brother, but he'd died...whether from suicide or accidental death, they didn't really know... we'd dated for like 3 months before doing ANYTHING, almost a year before we had sex...trouble was, by this time I'd actually come out to her as being bi, and the rollercoasters started... of course, then there was other things... a close friend of our family drowned in the lake nearby while playing with an RC boat his father got him. my brother's marriage shattered because his wife had turned into a total bitch...cue custody battle for the kids... his new girlfriend (now his wife), her brother was executed in a gas station robbery. Kid was trying to pay his own way through college, even though his folks could have paid every cent... but yeah, moving up and on, here I was, came home one night, nobody home (odd, but not unlikely). I was just chilling out on the computer when my gf and my cousin show up, and...Jon had died...he was only 5, and he'd been a diagnosed epileptic, and his medication had ended up causing an adverse reaction...he suffered multiple organ failure and couldn't be resuscitated. I had reasons (valid ones no less) to blame myself... and so I did, for almost six months... for six whole months I bottled my shit up and blamed myself, all the while dealing with the fact I was falling in love with my best friend, a sweet guy I'd met, and my gf was having trouble dealing with it too... eventually I stumbled in the door one day, went to the closet, grabbed a 9mm that my dad kept in the hall closet, loaded it... and held it to my temple...I wanted so much to just be selfish... it was so easy to cut myself to make the pain stop, but it always came back...I just wanted it all to go away...I didn't want to hurt people, I'd killed my baby brother because I hadn't looked into the medication he'd been prescribed...because I hadn't been there when his body shut down... (irrational yes...I know) I wanted to die, because it was just... I laid there on the floor, trying to will myself to pull the trigger...but I couldn't do it...I wanted so much to be selfish, but I kept thinking about my family...and how my gf and my best friend (a future bf) had sworn to me when they saw me slipping months back... "if you do it...we'll follow..." Finally, I unloaded it and put it away, and for years I never told a soul...
finally, my gf told me one day... that she was going to leave me, not because she didn't love me, but because she could see that I was forcing myself to "be straight" and that I deserved true happiness...we remain friends to this day...I ended up moving in with her for about six months before economic reasons forced us to move out. I dated my best friend for a while, about 4 months, before he broke up with me because we were too...different...alike? i never quite really understood... we don't talk a whole lot anymore, but I still care about him, and I'm very proud of him (I am hon, if you read this, I'm proud of who you are, who you were, and all that). I ended up in a relationship with a fox a ways out, and he introduced me to a few nice people... one of which I live with now, and another of which has been a great inspiration in my life. we dated for about 3 years, before some shit happened which he couldn't (or wouldn't) atone for, and so I moved on... I didn't stop loving him...I still love him...but you can't be with someone that doesn't respect you or themselves...anywho, at some point in those 3 years I was a bit of a halfway house for blundering fools... a close friend who had some issues, but he is a good kid through and through... a homophobe who ended up getting thrown out because he was a blithering idiot and threatened me...a furry drama queen who...well...lets just say that he has been all over from oklahoma to new york at least, hopping around from bedroom to bedroom... a guy that was good and responsible for himself, but his pet responsibilities were a bit lacking... and then there was my panda pal... I had just gotten moved into a trailer home as opposed to a crummy 2 room apartment...me, panda, and my buddy (also named will) moved in...we all lived there for two whole years, and we did decent... though we had to deal with my aunt and then my grandfather on dad's side, they both died...
the upside to all my grief, over the time from about 05-08 I was doing well, to an extent, and I started to truly come into my own... started to travel more, attended the cons I could, and befriended a few people...now, I have friends and lovers I would gladly die for, I love them that much...although I find myself more often wanting to wring their necks *chuckles* but... I also had a 3 year stint of taking martial arts courses...
Of course, I was also outed during this time...around 2005 or 2006... and my parents are just now getting around to truly dealing with it... and eventually, in late 2009, I moved up here to Ohio to live with my panda pal on his home soil. I had a job for about 9 years, until late 08, when I ended up unemployed and unable to get work in the crappy economy back in Arkansas... but up here I was promised a job, which I worked hard at until June of 2010 when we all quit because our boss was being sued for unethical behavior (things like...embezzlement?). i've been trying to get a job since, and it has been a HORRIBLE chore :/
of course, all clouds have a silver lining... kitten has had blessings for most curses... I got to spend time with Felix when I was still employed... my foxie ex introduced me to a dear dear friend now...who in turn introduced me to a few wonderful friends... now we are all sorta a family ^_^
and now...I've been typing for two whole hours... I don't know what to say except...screw this, I'm going to sleep... and if anyone wants to...punch a Sam's Club employee today... they have been jerking me around for two weeks and its pissing me off...
onyxdragon
∞onyxdragon
OP
wouldn't say bored...I was up til like 5 cleaning, and drinking...and Sam's Club has literally been dicking me around on a job offer to the point I'm ready to call them and say "fuck you guys you've treated me so poorly I'd rather work a street corner than your store" :P so I was just, venting some random shit...
