FA+
Shop
ending 6 months of radio silence.
8 years ago
so a long delay in updates again... Things keep getting hairy in my everyday life. issues with work, issues with family of all kinds... issues with MYSELF. crazy, right? acknowledging our own faults... like my inability to see how I should have been free to be this way from the start... for some reason I started hiding the pageantry, stopped singing along to pop divas in public and changed an entire aspect of how I behaved... the hints were all there, right from the start... fantasizing about "being the girl" in the porn I found growing up... wanting to learn how to please men as well as women... the girly behaviors and mannerisms that got me made fun of from time to time...and probably led to the beginning of my abuse. but that isn't what this is about. It's about ME...
I was born in a way that does not fit many normal standards of living... my transgender status aside, I bear at least one birth defect that has caused tangible albeit seldom-occurring issues with balance and leads to me falling down... and a condition that occasionally makes breathing incredibly painful but otherwise unimpeded... If it isn't dysphoria then I also have mood issues leading to chronic depression or bi-polar disorder... and definitely some PTSD... but I can not let those things define me...
I am beautiful... but not everyone else sees this. I've ceased censoring my wardrobe entirely outside of work. People in public have been quite supportive, which has enforced my decision to seek hormone therapy as soon as is feasible. I've always had a little bit extra meat when other guys working out had firm chests, so maybe that'd fluff up some <3 i'd like it if I could have something small...nothing too big though, just enough for my master to hold onto <3 I mean I could get implants... but that is definitely not a pertinent issue now lol. tonight I finished filtering out most of my stuff, I will only have my work pants, and a few pairs of my favorite pants and that is it. i'm done pretending to be some sort of image of masculinity at the expense of my self esteem and self respect.
which means... I have to accept that I might not have simple stability... considering I find myself subjected now to SPECIAL RULES about workplace uniforms, in that now that they know I'm trans, the fashion quirks they tolerated (and which PRINTED dress policy allowed) before are no longer acceptable out of me, but are acceptable for others, including natural women working there... When I was coming up there, our boss was very open minded and she even encouraged me as a woman. the guy above her, on the other hand...is the one who decided my "silly shoes" were no longer acceptable when I started being an out trans woman at work... there was a FtM trans coworker that quit over this guy's treatment a while back, he said he wasn't surprised that I was getting targeted now. My supportive boss quit and now the idea of me in a dress offends the guy that replaced her so...
I haven't had anyone try to START shit with me yet in public like at restaurants and when i'm shopping... but I've gotten the stares...the whispers... "oh my god---" "holy shit, hahahahha.". on the one hand, they can go fuck miles of off, i'm not doing this for their benefit... on the other hand, while it hurts less to be hated for my HONESTY... it still hurts. I hate having to constantly clean off my fingernail polish to go to work after my days off, which I get for it being food service related but I could just wear gloves like other girls if it wouldn't be an issue being obviously girly in the first place...I sometimes get nervous and if i damage a fingernail i'll often ruin it trying to just clean it up, but nail polish covers up those imperfections that I can't ignore otherwise. so wearing polish leads to healthier nails for me... :/ it sounds stupid but...
but i'm alive... I look around and that isn't always true. some of the people most dear to me are gone... some gone from my life and some...gone completely. I've a piece of my heart cast into the ether, lost forever... but that pain is beautiful. it means I loved him. We all lose people we love as time goes by. I just hope that when I'm gone, others think of me with fond memories...
but for now. I am alive... I am employed...
and I am a beautiful woman.
sincerely, Abigail
now peace out bitches, kitty's gotta let her hair down and frag trolls on GTA
nerd girls are the best >:3
I was born in a way that does not fit many normal standards of living... my transgender status aside, I bear at least one birth defect that has caused tangible albeit seldom-occurring issues with balance and leads to me falling down... and a condition that occasionally makes breathing incredibly painful but otherwise unimpeded... If it isn't dysphoria then I also have mood issues leading to chronic depression or bi-polar disorder... and definitely some PTSD... but I can not let those things define me...
I am beautiful... but not everyone else sees this. I've ceased censoring my wardrobe entirely outside of work. People in public have been quite supportive, which has enforced my decision to seek hormone therapy as soon as is feasible. I've always had a little bit extra meat when other guys working out had firm chests, so maybe that'd fluff up some <3 i'd like it if I could have something small...nothing too big though, just enough for my master to hold onto <3 I mean I could get implants... but that is definitely not a pertinent issue now lol. tonight I finished filtering out most of my stuff, I will only have my work pants, and a few pairs of my favorite pants and that is it. i'm done pretending to be some sort of image of masculinity at the expense of my self esteem and self respect.
which means... I have to accept that I might not have simple stability... considering I find myself subjected now to SPECIAL RULES about workplace uniforms, in that now that they know I'm trans, the fashion quirks they tolerated (and which PRINTED dress policy allowed) before are no longer acceptable out of me, but are acceptable for others, including natural women working there... When I was coming up there, our boss was very open minded and she even encouraged me as a woman. the guy above her, on the other hand...is the one who decided my "silly shoes" were no longer acceptable when I started being an out trans woman at work... there was a FtM trans coworker that quit over this guy's treatment a while back, he said he wasn't surprised that I was getting targeted now. My supportive boss quit and now the idea of me in a dress offends the guy that replaced her so...
I haven't had anyone try to START shit with me yet in public like at restaurants and when i'm shopping... but I've gotten the stares...the whispers... "oh my god---" "holy shit, hahahahha.". on the one hand, they can go fuck miles of off, i'm not doing this for their benefit... on the other hand, while it hurts less to be hated for my HONESTY... it still hurts. I hate having to constantly clean off my fingernail polish to go to work after my days off, which I get for it being food service related but I could just wear gloves like other girls if it wouldn't be an issue being obviously girly in the first place...I sometimes get nervous and if i damage a fingernail i'll often ruin it trying to just clean it up, but nail polish covers up those imperfections that I can't ignore otherwise. so wearing polish leads to healthier nails for me... :/ it sounds stupid but...
but i'm alive... I look around and that isn't always true. some of the people most dear to me are gone... some gone from my life and some...gone completely. I've a piece of my heart cast into the ether, lost forever... but that pain is beautiful. it means I loved him. We all lose people we love as time goes by. I just hope that when I'm gone, others think of me with fond memories...
but for now. I am alive... I am employed...
and I am a beautiful woman.
sincerely, Abigail
now peace out bitches, kitty's gotta let her hair down and frag trolls on GTA
nerd girls are the best >:3
Please be safe and take care *offers a hug*
And I keep having to test the waters with stuff like, will anyone bitch about my homemade dragonfly necklace for being girly even though we're allowed to wear something with spiritual or religious meaning and frankly nobody complains about the jewelry people already wear...or tattoos that are supposed to be covered but nobody complains... But I feel like [and I know the logic is facetious but I can't help it] if I take advantage of the things they let other people get away with then suddenly i'm the villain ruining things for everyone else. Like I've thought about getting ink on my wrist to memorialize someone I loved, but one of my friends who goes does HRT has a tattoo of a keyblade and while other people's less-savory arm ink is ignored the leadership ran him off because he wanted to be acknowledged and the disney arm tattoo was one of their gripes... Then again they made shit up for for both of their complaints about my effeminate fashion choices, considering that I had the shoes and then they complained about my belt saying that decorative belts weren't allowed and mine had butterfly designs...which made sense but when I found time to re-read it the items we have from corporate say that only the BUCKLES can't be decorative...doesn't say jack ass shit about the belts themselves aside from being BLACK which the butterfly belt is.
Thank you *hugs* so far at least as stormy as the seas of my mind end up, I've remained PHYSICALLY safe and sound. It also helps to know that there are other people who understand me on at least some level. It astounded me that I have been exposed to so many positive influences since I decided to stop "hiding" myself even a little bit.
and I am somehow blessed... I can see no explanation for why I am still alive and haven't been turned into a cold-hearted callous piece of shit... just an emotional, self-deprecating one.