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Let's Get This Sorted..
14 years ago
General
If I die before my wake,
Pray my soul to take.. Alright, so..
Basically, the current term is, some of my friends don't get along with my boyfriend, and my boyfriend doesn't get along with some of my friends. You know what? That's normal. As stupid as that seems, sometimes your friends and your partner don't get along. I've seen it before, I'll continue to see it through my life.
But the problem area rises when it becomes a head to head thing, and people start showing dislike blatantly. And it's kind of upsetting for me being in the middle. Look, I've made my choices and my decisions, and I've done what I've done. I've done things I regret and have hurt others. I'm not a good guy. People forget that, but it's true, I'm not. I'm a cheater. I'm a liar. But I'm working on making up and fixing that.
I can't reiterate that enough. Which is why, people need to lower their estimation of me a little - a lot of folk kind of look at me as a invincible, or a perfect human being, or a ton of things in a similar light to that. I've never claimed to be, I've never tried to be, I've never pretended to be.
Now, look - I did those things, and I fucked up. Yet,
blueraccoon is willing to stay with me and get this all sorted. After 3 years of what has been a happy relationship - okay with the occasional pothole but what relationship doesn't have those? - just going out of it because others have said so isn't really..well, for me to do it, it doesn't really say "I'm doing the right thing".
I will admit - some things have been said, not just by me, but by other people, that have sparked some arguments in a long distance. No-one can deny that to be true. I'm not writing this looking to turn it into a fight, I just want it accepted and cleared - because what I don't want to see is an explosion or an argument between my partner and my friends. Look, I'd love them to get along with one another, that much is true - but I need to ask this, fairly, squarely and openly:
If you don't feel you're going to get along with one another ever, or you're just arguing against him because I'm a friend, would it be better just to be civil toward one another and leave it be?
At the end of the day, this sounds very middle-manish, but that's because it kind of is. I'll defend my boyfriend and say, hands up, that the reasons he was mad at me, were legit. I did do things I shouldn't have, I did say shit I shouldn't have, I did hide him from others, I did cheat on him and I did lie to him for an extended amount of time. The reason he is pissed at me, dude, if it had been the other way around, I'd have been rather pissed off too.
My friends want me to be happy, and I understand that - but guys, I need to keep saying..I was happy with him for three years, and near enough threw that away. I know people only want the best for me - but it's my choice in who I'm with, too. I know that sounds dick-headed, and that I'm just shoving friends opinions out the door but..look, if I went with or didn't go with anyone that a few people said, I'd have been with a lot of folk I don't like.
I don't need the input of the world on what I do or who I'm with. Not all the time, sure, if I'm in a dire place with someone who's being an outright dickhead, abusing me, giving me all manners of shit - sure, someone stepping in saying "okay, this is toxic" is kind of wanted. But people are judging this on a few details. I dunno..I just..I don't want to have my life and my relationships dictated to me when I made up my mind.
Basically, the current term is, some of my friends don't get along with my boyfriend, and my boyfriend doesn't get along with some of my friends. You know what? That's normal. As stupid as that seems, sometimes your friends and your partner don't get along. I've seen it before, I'll continue to see it through my life.
But the problem area rises when it becomes a head to head thing, and people start showing dislike blatantly. And it's kind of upsetting for me being in the middle. Look, I've made my choices and my decisions, and I've done what I've done. I've done things I regret and have hurt others. I'm not a good guy. People forget that, but it's true, I'm not. I'm a cheater. I'm a liar. But I'm working on making up and fixing that.
I can't reiterate that enough. Which is why, people need to lower their estimation of me a little - a lot of folk kind of look at me as a invincible, or a perfect human being, or a ton of things in a similar light to that. I've never claimed to be, I've never tried to be, I've never pretended to be.
Now, look - I did those things, and I fucked up. Yet,
blueraccoon is willing to stay with me and get this all sorted. After 3 years of what has been a happy relationship - okay with the occasional pothole but what relationship doesn't have those? - just going out of it because others have said so isn't really..well, for me to do it, it doesn't really say "I'm doing the right thing".I will admit - some things have been said, not just by me, but by other people, that have sparked some arguments in a long distance. No-one can deny that to be true. I'm not writing this looking to turn it into a fight, I just want it accepted and cleared - because what I don't want to see is an explosion or an argument between my partner and my friends. Look, I'd love them to get along with one another, that much is true - but I need to ask this, fairly, squarely and openly:
If you don't feel you're going to get along with one another ever, or you're just arguing against him because I'm a friend, would it be better just to be civil toward one another and leave it be?
At the end of the day, this sounds very middle-manish, but that's because it kind of is. I'll defend my boyfriend and say, hands up, that the reasons he was mad at me, were legit. I did do things I shouldn't have, I did say shit I shouldn't have, I did hide him from others, I did cheat on him and I did lie to him for an extended amount of time. The reason he is pissed at me, dude, if it had been the other way around, I'd have been rather pissed off too.
My friends want me to be happy, and I understand that - but guys, I need to keep saying..I was happy with him for three years, and near enough threw that away. I know people only want the best for me - but it's my choice in who I'm with, too. I know that sounds dick-headed, and that I'm just shoving friends opinions out the door but..look, if I went with or didn't go with anyone that a few people said, I'd have been with a lot of folk I don't like.
I don't need the input of the world on what I do or who I'm with. Not all the time, sure, if I'm in a dire place with someone who's being an outright dickhead, abusing me, giving me all manners of shit - sure, someone stepping in saying "okay, this is toxic" is kind of wanted. But people are judging this on a few details. I dunno..I just..I don't want to have my life and my relationships dictated to me when I made up my mind.
I think that anyone in any kind of relationship just needs to use their head and be smart about what they do. Trust is important, and honesty is important, too. If you can't trust who you're with - what's the point? Really? I have trust issues, so I get that it can be a hard thing to do sometimes.
There's more that I could go on about this, but I'd rather not put all kinds of business in a journal like this. :3 You can always chat with me, though!
I can't believe you would let anyone make your boyfriend feel bad. And if anyone reads this I know what is going on more than ANYONE...
I think no one should get involved between significan't others.
They are friends nothing more. If they were more then friend they would actually be your significan't other correct? But they are not.
Your friends are ment to be kept close to you, kept next to your heart and with you forever.. But if you let anyone and i do mean anyone go against the one your ment to be with Your love.. that is a sad thing.
And I do not want to hear all this drama bullshit about Long Distance reltionships, When people grow up they will see that both real life and LDRs don't work out the way we want them to. And this is comming from a girl in a relationship for 15 years. It can and has worked out (and yes it was ldr that went rl for me) I have many friends that it has worked out for. Just because you maybe have had a bad run yourself or had friends it didn't work out for is no reason to make it hard on others...
Especially when you don't know every aspect of what the fuck is going on in the problems they share, day to day relationship they share... Be a friend to your friend by being friends with there significan't other... Or keep out of it.
Goddess I hate drama
What you're saying, you may want to clear it up. Like, really clear it up. As, right now, the message I'm getting from you is - essentially - Significant Other's Word / Actions are law, friends should not step in with anything negative to say or their own opinions about them.
"I think no one should get involved between significan't others." This, for instance, is very questionable. What if there is abuse in a relationship (I will point, again, that I'm not talking about OP's scenario)? Should a friend not get involved, as it's a significant other affair? What if someone is looking for a neutral opinion from an outside source - for instance, a significant other has been pressing to move forward in having children, but they are still in college and don't think themselves quite ready for children yet. Should the friend give no advice, or just mindlessly spew out what the SO said?
To some degree, friends should, nay, must be involved in another friend's actions, and need not always be in desired / all-parties-satisfied manners.
"They are friends nothing more. If they were more then friend they would actually be your significan't other correct? But they are not." What you're saying here sounds, well, it puts the significant others on a pedestal. They shouldn't be, at least to this severity. Yes, you should do more for a Significant Other than a regular friend... but to the point that your SO's word has greater value than your other friends' by default? That their word is greater than multiple friends?
" Just because you maybe have had a bad run yourself or had friends it didn't work out for is no reason to make it hard on others..." This sounds, overall, like a trivialization of someone elses complaints. Either they're doing it for drama, because they're jealous, or because they can't see it working out for anyone else. But... that's not the case at all. There are many other reasons to disagree with a friend's SO / see problems in them. Despite what seems to be a popular argument online, your friends must not accept everything about you to be a real friend. Indeed, the best friends are those who can be critical, and are not afraid to voice their critique / criticism.
"Especially when you don't know every aspect of what the fuck is going on in the problems they share, day to day relationship they share..." Then ask. Again, this is sounding less like a piece of advice and more a "Significant other forever!" This is most probably not what you intended, but it's how such comes off. There is nothing "wrong" with asking friends for relationship advice. There's nothing wrong with bringing in recent acquaintances / strangers with relationship advice, depending on the extent.
"Be a friend to your friend by being friends with there significan't other... Or keep out of it." This is the most off piece of advice I'm seeing in your post. You're telling someone to be a friend by either loving their SO... or not doing anything / butting out of the friendship. This sounds, for a lack of better terms, crazy. Your friend doesn't like something your SO's doing... so either tell them to forget about it / love it or that you're not friends any more? If someone was only friends with those who loved their SO and found no flaws with them, they don't have their own friends any more. They have their SO's friends. Their SO's friends who don't have any flaws with them (as, by the same logic, any flaw their SO's friends see in party number one must stop being friends as well).
Though not as you intended it, probably... you really should write up a "modified" version of this. It sounds, basically, like you're going "My advice is to only listen to your SO and those who agree with them." Which, overall, is not advice at all. Once more, I'm reviewing your post itself, not the scenario which is involved.
My main advice would be more along the lines of: Listen to your SO, your friends, anyone who's willing to talk with you and speak their mind. No matter how blunt or sweet their words. Evaluate their words with past actions, past value, past dedication. Do the friends have a habit of feeding you bad advice? Have they shown that they earnestly care for you and are trying to do what's best, even if it means their (the friend's) own loss?
He knows what I am saying and What I am not saying. This message is ment for him and him alone. No one else.
He knows what I am saying. Are you ok with that now?