Okay, so, I've had this journal floating in my head the past few days, but I've not been able to find the words to fit right. I think I was afraid of sounding like I was being a dick, but in all honesty, maybe it's not even that now. The issue is, I sound like I don't care. And it's not that - what it is, is that a lot of things I'm looking at with an "I don't give a fuck" mentality.

Okay, so, to start, for all the people who likely see me as the greatest evil out - yes. I did go and see  fuerza for a week. I loved that week, I really had a good time. I had sex with him, I gave him my virginity, and I asked him to take me back. He said yes. Now, a lot of people will be telling me how "I'm an idiot for that and that it's a toxic situation and blah blah blah, blah blah blah". Those who say that are judging it by a brief..what, one month window? The bad shit that happened every now and again? What about the three years previous? Three happy years that I wouldn't change, because I was with someone who, believe it or not, treated me in a way I felt cared about. But people judged him on that alone - without even getting to know him - and started dictating my life to me. It's easy to buy into something when a ton of people who, as it happens are in the same social group and circle. "The big lie" theory. People came between, interfered, decided it was their business to get involved.

Now, as I look at it all - people who interfered, weren't always looking out for me. Many of them have said some very determining things, trying to create a situation that may benefit them as much as it would do me. Some convinced me to give up on something that I had for someone else - a situation that was much less practical, difficult to uphold, be a part of, a situation they were thoroughly against - and then tried to defend "it's not real, but don't stop it". Why? Because they preferred the other person to the one I had been with. That's..pretty telling. So I'm not letting others dictate my moves now.

So, in short, will I apologise for my decision to get back with  Fuerza? Fuck no, and if you want me to, then fuck you to.

What I will apologise for is those who got hurt in the wake of all this. Did I want to hurt people? No. Do I wish I could have done things in a way they didn't get hurt? Yes. You know who you are, and I'm sorry you've been harmed emotionally through all of this. I realise you must feel somewhat..toyed with. But that wasn't the plan or deliberate, and in honesty? I wish I had handled it differently. Sadly, that's not the reality we live in, so all I can say is I'm sorry.

But don't be fooled, people. Even through all that, I'm still not sorry for being with Fuerza. If anything, I'm happy about it. This isn't to let you all give me your two cents. This is to tell people the situation, how it is and what I'm in. If you're not happy for me? Cool - but you'll have to get over that. I'm not changing to suit anyone but myself.