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i'll disappear for a while i guess
14 years ago
well, title says it all.
after much thinking on past events i decided I need to return to the hospital next monday.
It will be no suprise to most to know that i ackowledge my suicidal tendencies. I thought i was done with those, but when i fell in love with a men and things started to get complicated i fell back heavily within that mind set. I tried using him as a cane hoping he would help me stand back up, but instead my dark mood just sticked to him and my pain hurted him as much as me. so he ended up running away. with good reasons. yet somehow ... i still hope he'll reconcider..
i have but 1 month for a no die deal left and i doubt i'd be able to go further then that. Tho considering the peoples around me, my death would propably destroy everyone who tried to help me with guilt of failure, my grandma just passed away and therefor my mother is already pained with a significant lost and that's not even concidering my ex who left me when all that started and the men i love who would also be pained with guilt and unfortunatly i care to much for him to do that. therefor i'm trap within my sufferring.
that is why i have decided to try to get a nice comfy white room with padded walls and a jacket with very long sleeves.... i just can't take the praying god for him to take my soul everyning.
well, sorry everyone
after much thinking on past events i decided I need to return to the hospital next monday.
It will be no suprise to most to know that i ackowledge my suicidal tendencies. I thought i was done with those, but when i fell in love with a men and things started to get complicated i fell back heavily within that mind set. I tried using him as a cane hoping he would help me stand back up, but instead my dark mood just sticked to him and my pain hurted him as much as me. so he ended up running away. with good reasons. yet somehow ... i still hope he'll reconcider..
i have but 1 month for a no die deal left and i doubt i'd be able to go further then that. Tho considering the peoples around me, my death would propably destroy everyone who tried to help me with guilt of failure, my grandma just passed away and therefor my mother is already pained with a significant lost and that's not even concidering my ex who left me when all that started and the men i love who would also be pained with guilt and unfortunatly i care to much for him to do that. therefor i'm trap within my sufferring.
that is why i have decided to try to get a nice comfy white room with padded walls and a jacket with very long sleeves.... i just can't take the praying god for him to take my soul everyning.
well, sorry everyone
As always, you know you can come hang and have a chat. Running away has never and will never be the solution to problems.