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Deconstruction of a 'coon
14 years ago
AKA "Boring journal where I talk about myself."
I'm in kind of an... introspective mood at the moment. It's probably related to not being able to draw anything digital 'til my stylus comes in the mail.
I've been accused, on occasion, of thinking that I'm better than everybody else. Or at least, that's the thrust of the accusation. Unfortunately, this is sort of true. It's not that I consciously believe this, to be certain, but there is an undercurrent in my emotions that wants to.
The reason is complicated, and requires a little history to understand. When I was about 11, schizophrenia hit. What triggered it, I can only postulate, but as I understand it, my father had it himself, passing it down. The variety I received was Paranoid Schizophrenia. What this means is that in addition to hallucinations, delusions and overall problems with reality, I actually was paranoid of every social interaction I had. Every friend, I thought would eventually try to abandon me to greatest, most damaging effect. My parents, I believed, were set to ensure my failure by giving me goals that were too high for me to reach, and/or replace me with my younger half brother. My teachers to me were monsters, just waiting for me to mess up so they could sell me down the river.
In my worse moments, I suspected everyone of attempted murder- that everyone was going to try to end me eventually. In the years where you gain friends and learn who you are, I trusted no-one, and began formulating ways I could get back at them first. This became a scheming, writhing subconscious process that calculated how best to counteract someone's plots. After a few years, this started manifesting as a general malevolence, serving up images of vengeance and suffering that I was no longer even consciously asking for or understanding where they came from. Around this time, I had learned that what I had was a disease that made me distrust people chronically.
As those years went by and I came to understand this, another current opened up in me. A guilty one, that felt terrible for the way I suspect everyone's motivations, and horrified of the images of graphic revenge on others. That part of me understood that I could never stop the terror in my mind, not really. But at the same time, it demanded that I take tangible action to make right what happened. So I began trying to help people. Emotionally, psychologically, circumstantially... any way I could. What with the warring factions and my knowledge of them, I became very easy to talk to- anyone would open up to me given enough time. Somebody I met on a bus would spill their life story to me. I couldn't even control it anymore, I just sort of assumed it was part of who I was.
Because of this, starved for any kind of self-confidence, my identity began to suck up these acts of altruism, and insisted, "Hey, look at that! You're a great guy after all! You can't control the other parts, doctors said so!" I'd been wanting to feel good about myself for so long that I ate it up, Every little action I could do to feel better about myself grew my confidence, and soon I had created another monster- an overzealous saint instead of a terrifying devil.
Sounds fine, though, right? Feeling good about doing good things is what we do! Except it's not. You're not supposed to do it that consciously. It created a persona in my mind that did not reflect the cynical inner beliefs of the real person underneath. As a result, I now constantly fight a ridiculous intractible war between a vengeful, hurtful, calculating social warlord, an unforgiving, stone-gazing ideal of goodness, and a flimsy, funny self-deprecating bubble over it all to make it more accessible... all just to have simple conversations and manage my life. As a result, sometimes I blame myself for things that aren't my fault, sometimes I hold people to impossible standards, and other times I'm just a slightly obnoxious goof.
What a mess.
I'm in kind of an... introspective mood at the moment. It's probably related to not being able to draw anything digital 'til my stylus comes in the mail.
I've been accused, on occasion, of thinking that I'm better than everybody else. Or at least, that's the thrust of the accusation. Unfortunately, this is sort of true. It's not that I consciously believe this, to be certain, but there is an undercurrent in my emotions that wants to.
The reason is complicated, and requires a little history to understand. When I was about 11, schizophrenia hit. What triggered it, I can only postulate, but as I understand it, my father had it himself, passing it down. The variety I received was Paranoid Schizophrenia. What this means is that in addition to hallucinations, delusions and overall problems with reality, I actually was paranoid of every social interaction I had. Every friend, I thought would eventually try to abandon me to greatest, most damaging effect. My parents, I believed, were set to ensure my failure by giving me goals that were too high for me to reach, and/or replace me with my younger half brother. My teachers to me were monsters, just waiting for me to mess up so they could sell me down the river.
In my worse moments, I suspected everyone of attempted murder- that everyone was going to try to end me eventually. In the years where you gain friends and learn who you are, I trusted no-one, and began formulating ways I could get back at them first. This became a scheming, writhing subconscious process that calculated how best to counteract someone's plots. After a few years, this started manifesting as a general malevolence, serving up images of vengeance and suffering that I was no longer even consciously asking for or understanding where they came from. Around this time, I had learned that what I had was a disease that made me distrust people chronically.
As those years went by and I came to understand this, another current opened up in me. A guilty one, that felt terrible for the way I suspect everyone's motivations, and horrified of the images of graphic revenge on others. That part of me understood that I could never stop the terror in my mind, not really. But at the same time, it demanded that I take tangible action to make right what happened. So I began trying to help people. Emotionally, psychologically, circumstantially... any way I could. What with the warring factions and my knowledge of them, I became very easy to talk to- anyone would open up to me given enough time. Somebody I met on a bus would spill their life story to me. I couldn't even control it anymore, I just sort of assumed it was part of who I was.
Because of this, starved for any kind of self-confidence, my identity began to suck up these acts of altruism, and insisted, "Hey, look at that! You're a great guy after all! You can't control the other parts, doctors said so!" I'd been wanting to feel good about myself for so long that I ate it up, Every little action I could do to feel better about myself grew my confidence, and soon I had created another monster- an overzealous saint instead of a terrifying devil.
Sounds fine, though, right? Feeling good about doing good things is what we do! Except it's not. You're not supposed to do it that consciously. It created a persona in my mind that did not reflect the cynical inner beliefs of the real person underneath. As a result, I now constantly fight a ridiculous intractible war between a vengeful, hurtful, calculating social warlord, an unforgiving, stone-gazing ideal of goodness, and a flimsy, funny self-deprecating bubble over it all to make it more accessible... all just to have simple conversations and manage my life. As a result, sometimes I blame myself for things that aren't my fault, sometimes I hold people to impossible standards, and other times I'm just a slightly obnoxious goof.
What a mess.
huh. now I can only think of how much a strength the ability to explain such things is, the world would look different if everyone could transfer it that plain and simple.
Im still not sure whether its what you said or basical abstract competence
I can say is that it's kinda normal to have both a good and dark side in your mind. Everyone
does. I mostly would think about what will happen tommorrow in my life. Will I die? Will my life
get worse? Also, I didn't make friends at school, they made me. So don't feel so down for
having conflict in your life. Your good and evil is what makes us human(Or furry).
As for the the stylus, you can draw on paper while you wait.(I guess.)
*SNUUUGGGGLEEEEEE* *SQUISH*
It does, in ways, explain certain things though, about how you view character designs and character personalities and the like.
But isn't that the way everyone is now-a-days? Haha, I sure as hell ain't as nice and fluffy in real life as I attempt to be on the internet (and even then I don't do very well! x3). I dunno if I'd say it's something to feel bad about so much as it's something we've just gotta accept. We're all flawed, imperfect beings... the less we focus on the imperfections though, the more we can focus on what makes us actually unique and interesting, and likeable.
I'd heard recently that everyone has bad thoughts pretty much every day. Can't stop them, really. The difference maker is acting on them or not. It's all about self control and reasoning, really. I say you're a good guy, problems and all. In the end, it's all what makes you... you!
The fact that you can explain what has happened to you and face up to it, means that your are trying to overcome it. You may have issues, but you are working towards bettering yourself and that is more than most people with issues can say.
My own mother is severely borderline OCD, obsessing over the most minute details that, in the end, make not even the slightest difference. The big difference between you and her, is that YOU accept it and work towards improvement, whilst she completely denies the problem and refuses to work on it. The result is that she'll be stuck in a rut for the rest of her life, while you will undergo changes for the better as you try to deal with it.
All in all, what little contact I've had with you gave me the impression you are a friendly and well mannered person, regardless of what has happened in the past. Keep doing just that, and you'll do fine :)
It's kind of funny though, in my eyes the noblest thing a person can do is fight with their foibles, knowing all too well it's mostly a losing battle. Saint or sinner, if you've got that then you're doing the best you can, and that's all I've ever expected of anyone. Well, that's not true, usually I expect absolutely nothing of anyone, but that's a cynical, spiteful sliver that somehow snuck in through the years of retail and foodservice jobs.
So... yeah. Keep on keepin' on and you got my thumbs up, 'cause giving it your all is the name of the game. Win, lose or draw, what matters is the effort.
For what it's worth, is being complicated necessarily something to be ashamed of?
Sometimes a person literally does CHOOSE who and what they are.
Dealing with impulses and thoughts that you have no control over is quite difficult, but those feelings don't have to be what defines you.
1:write down a movie screen play
2:get it to Hollywood
3: ????
4: $$ profit !
everyone has issues some more then others. the bottom line is you draw great asses at least!
You're never alone, friends surround you Nori *hugs* take care, and stay in touch ^^
Regardless, everyone has their own battles to fight; me included. I myself sufferer from a pretty severe case of OCD; to the point where it keeps me indoors quite a lot, spending most of my time working on art and projects and such, rather than actually socializing with my friends and family. It also doesn't help that overall, I think people are constantly judging and thinking ill of me, even though I always try to convince myself that such a thing isn't happening. Especially since most people could actually care less about me. Not necessarily in an evil or malignant way mind you, its just people have other things (more important things) to do then judge me and plot my demise. X3
Anyway, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that despite whatever issues you might have, know that I'll always consider you a friend and a good man; even if you do admit to wanting to do terrible things, just to satisfy your own dark delusions of vengeance against "the real world". =3
It sounds like you have an angel and a devil on your shoulders. What I've learned is that it isn't always best to listen to that angel. It can even lead to being hurt yourself.
You may want to try drawing your "personas". The ones that don't often see the light of day in their purest form. It can often be refreshing. You don't actually have to show it to anyone, just the act of releasing it on paper is often all I need to vent my feelings.
Everyone treads a path fraught with perils, few can actually see them for what they are.
As little as simple words on a screen are, know there are many who care about you and would gladly be there for you.
As cheesy as it may sound, I hope you can draw some measure of strength to combat your inner demons from all of us who care about you, though we may not say it much. ;)
Had to say, you are not alone.
I have a very similar process in my mind, though its no longer about trust it's become about self conciousness and restricting my 'inner' self of being.
So I have a 'happy' face i put on to the world and a front of being this happy, smiling, enthusiastic and helpful person that goes out of her way to give anyone an extra paw.
Of course, thats how i -wish- i felt inside...In actuality, Im a hell of a whirling mess of paranoia, depression, anger, anxiety and all those nice things! :3
So i truly understand, when i say this: treasure your friends. Treasure your true ones and keep them close to you. They will be light in the darkness.
More people need to learn how to understand their own mind, I feel. Even I don't know the workings in my own head as well as you seem to understand your own.
Plus, I believe that nearly everyone has the potential to become a much better person, if they're just willing to take some time for self-examination and introspection. If they seek to understand themselves, their mind, their emotions and thoughts and instincts, they would be better able to control them and could be better people.
I can relate to you though, both as paranoia and as angel and demon are concerned. I have integrated them as part of myself in a way that allows me to use them as an augmented reality and does in fact not counteract my saintlier parts. Unlike you I never met what I considered the optimal amount of virtue in my more perfectionistic and zealious days - I still do not deem them wrong, I just have accepted that hardly any human can it. On the other that made it easier for me to bond with an incorporate my demon, which in turn allowed me to incorporate it like a second body on a mental plane of existence, priorities wise - my soul still flies over it and that helps me save my idealism, strengthens my consience and also consciousness and allows me to delve deeper into my intuition.
As such, if you want, I can offer you what advice you have.
My biggest problem now is that I am still easily distracted but at the same time can not afford to remove these parts since they are also part of the driving (or rather luring) force behind my creativity and inspiration. Keeping it occupied with music when I want to concentrate works but one can not allways listen to music and I want to get independent from that crutch. I have heard caffeine helps against ADD but that would be trading one crutch for another. I am still seeking a mental soultion, maybe redirecting the instincs behind it so that it instead becomes a driving force behind what I am consciously doing.
You get afraid that people will harm you. You have dark thoughts about these people. You do not want to have these dark thoughts change how you deal with others. So, you do good and thus feel better about yourself, also improving how you deal with other people. If not for the extreme natures of your "personas", I would say you're an average human being trying to balance his life. It might help you to know that altruism and the desire to survive and avoid harm are related, and that a balance between these need not be a struggle to the death. In other words, you are not Jekyl or Hyde. You're more like Bruce Banner. He wouldn't be much of a superhero if he wasn't slightly irradiated.
As for being better than other people. The question is, do you deserve to be proud of what good you do? Should you be ashamed instead?
PS: Hopefully, this helps, or at least sounds like it's supposed to. Like I said, I don't know enough.
If you ever need someone to talk to or even to just listen, you're welcome to contact me over some form of instant messenger or whatnot.
I've never gotten the vibe that you felt superior to others. You're pretty upfront about expectations from people. (which isn't such a bad thing given there are people who never talk about boundaries and then flip out if you cross them as if you're just supposed to read their mind)
To be honest, I keep forgetting that you're younger than me. Your journals always tend to be deep, complex and enlightening. Quite the proof that physical age isn't the best judge of life experience and maturity.