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Advice needed--tolerating intolerance?
14 years ago
Earlier today, I abruptly left a study partner and semi-friend after she told me that she has an issue wih homosexuality (or, the 'gay lifestyle'). The issue is a touchy subject for me, as I am very pro-LGBT, and very anti-intolerance. However, in general the girl is fairly nice, and I wonder if I overreacted. I told her that I respect her opinion, and her right to that opinion, but that her view is very personally offensive, and I do not like to associate with people who are close-minded in such ways. In particular, I do not feel that I should be a study partner/tutor for someone who is disrespectful in that way. But is having that opinion really disrespectful? Does her opinion do any real damage? Gay marriage isn't even debatable here in Georgia. The state is far from accepting in general, so it's not as if she could vote against allowing gay marriage or anything. So is being intolerant of the gay lifestyle enough of a reason to avoid a classmate/study partner/semi-friend?
Any input on the subject would be appreciated. Sorry for posting on FA about this, I just don't know of anywhere else to pose this question.
EDIT: Would it make a difference if you were a member of the group that she was talking about? That's the way I view it--if I would be offended as a member of the group, I should be offended as an ally for the group.
Any input on the subject would be appreciated. Sorry for posting on FA about this, I just don't know of anywhere else to pose this question.
EDIT: Would it make a difference if you were a member of the group that she was talking about? That's the way I view it--if I would be offended as a member of the group, I should be offended as an ally for the group.
I do feel she could have worded that better however "I feel it's a sin, I feel it's wrong". Honestly? I would keep contact with this person to a limit to avoid annoyance. I can be a bit touchy when it comes to stuff like this too, to keep my blood pressure at acceptable levels and to not offend the other party, I just stay away from these people. I don't think it makes me intolerant, it just makes me bullshit-avoiding I think x) (Bullshit from both sides I should add, because I can be pretty annoyingly snappy with these people and I shouldn't be. Everyone has a right to their opinion but it really irks me when people are needlessly rude about it.)
The way to respond would have been to calmly debunk their issues. Ask them what it is they have against the life style and tell them ways it is not factual. That is the way to spread tolerance, not by showing your own intolerance.
If everyone thinks it's not their job, nothing will ever get done.
I would have asked them why they feel it is wrong and point out ways that is not true so that you are teaching them to be tolerant (and maybe save someone from their intolerance) unless they showed no signs of being willing to learn, then walk away.
If she's frequently bringing up her intolerance of homosexuality on a regular basis, or using insensitive connotations (calling things "gay", using gay/lesbian as insults, etc) and won't heed a request to stop, it's a problem.
If it was just idle chatter, and you don't touch on the topic ever again, it's not a problem.
While the whole tolerance thing is a lovely dream, there are going to be people who won't budge from their beliefs. The way I see it, the LGBT community is quite used to all this stuff and most of the time can let it just roll off their back. If that's strictly an opinion and she's not frequently bringing it up, she's entitled to her opinion, but it shouldn't be an issue. If she's violently anti-gay, then yes, disassociate from her. You're just going to get frustrated and neither of you will get anything done.
I haven't known her long enough to know if she will make it a habit of bringing it up--she has said other rather intolerant things, but I let those things slide. Intolerance is just a step away from outright hatred, and I've seen enough gay bashing in my time to no longer let it roll off my back. I mean, she told me about her viewpoint not moments after I mentioned how I hated growing up in a small town, because of how those who are different get treated, and how they are outcast. And her response to that is that "we want to preserve our way of life." So it really boiled down to keeping the queers out of the hick towns because they're ruining things for people. I just... hmph. I think the problem I have now is that every time I see her, I'm going to have that nagging in the back of my mind...
I would probably not associate with someone like that, but I am gay. I would ALSO probably not associate with someone who had a problem with black people or something, and I am white, so I guess take that for what it's worth.
Sorry for minirant, this is one of those things that really rubs me the wrong way.
I would be hella uncomfortable associating with her too, as a pro LGBTQ genderqueer liberal kinda person.
I think the same goes for homophobia. It can't be helped if they're scared of homosexuals now can it- Even a slight discomfort towards homosexuals would be considered homophobia. If you think its possible for homophobic to not be afraid/uncomfortable, then its possible for homosexuals to be straight.
That's my logic ;o)
Some people may argue that being uncomfortable around those that are different is somewhat normal. But then, is it really acceptable to be so blunt about it? It's one thing to be uncomfortable at the idea of gay sex, but to say that homosexuality in itself is wrong goes beyond discomfort towards those who are 'different' and into the territory of outright hatred.
If being around this person is going to cause you discomfort because they believe ___, then I don't see why you shouldn't avoid voluntarily subjecting yourself to their company. At least you're being honest about why you're going to be more distant with her.
Don't be rude to her, be civil and such in class when you see her, just say that you really did mean that you don't want to associate with her outside of class and do not wish to continue being her study partner. Either way, you may end up needing to get your notes elsewhere.