maybe is because im mixed right now, both happy and sad. you may or may not remember that i had a guest over, so i havent been working on my drawings. well now shes gone and it feels so sad to see her go. we stayed up all night almost every night watching Tsubasa chronicles and whos line is it anyways. shes the best any guy could ask for, and truthfully, ive had a crush on her sence i first met her 3 years ago.

you may or may not also know i have a bit of multi-persona disorder, and as she was leaveing not even half an hour ago, i could hear myself and the others speaking... yes i name them, and yes i do treat them like real people because in a way they are. all the non-belivers of spirits can just ignore me and claim im an idiot, phyco, ect ect... but this is how the conversation acctually went

me: there she goes
cross: shes still there, ask her out damnit
me: i cant... theres just... -sighs- she probably doesnt like me
cross: whats the matter with you? she does, just doesnt show it!
me: shes a lesbian for crying out loud
clover: (in a calming tone) ah, you're just scared of rejection. shes the same as everyone here, for instance, i am gay yet i can still tell a woman she looks beautifull. hell, once or twice i thought of dateing a girl
me: but that still doesnt change anything, she would be like any other nice girl ive ever wanted to ask out... she wont and then she will think of me diffrently
clover: such a pessimist... look, you need to stop thinking like the future is the issue, worry about the now and let the waves of the future take you to new hights.
cross: i think first, you need to build confidnce in yourself, you arnt exactly mentaly or emotionaly strong enough
me: change of heart cross?
cross: -scoffs- well obviously trying to get you to walk into this isnt going to work
clover: so you try to use reverse phycology hun?
# i need to get stronger? i need to start looking up and ahead rather than looking down
-theres a slight silence-
cross: (in a stronger tone) why do you think you need to be like that?
me: because its like you said, shes one of a kind... but right now, its not the time
clover: ah, but you shouldent blind yourself with one woman or man
me: well... -sighs with a smile showing slightly- maybe you have to blind yourself to see what truely lies around you, the real people
cross: but you blinded yourself once, you saw how that was
me: i know, but that wasnt as much a blinding as getting wool over my eyes

ever sence i started walking back, i couldent help but shed a single tear. i tried to keep it in, cause all my wishes were being wisked away by a train... i do need to be stronger, for her or for anyone else. if i dont have confidence in me, any relationship i get in will end before it begins... but ive always belived that goodbyes are as much a new begining as they are an end. do i need to be stronger...? maybe, or... maybe im tricking myself, whatever the case, im not going to let this goodbye pull me down into another depression, and i very well may ask this girl out. the memories ive been holding for a few years now are never going to leave.

if you want to give your thoughts and opinions feel free to.



.....im not going to be the same anymore.... but will this be for the better?