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Mario Kart: The source of all frustration
13 years ago
In 1993, when I was 13 years old, I saw something strange on the video game shelf in the toystore at my local mall. It had something to do with Mario, but it wasn't Super Mario World. Instead it was Super Mario Kart. (Remember, this was way before internet, and gaming magazines was almost impossible to get a hold on where I lived.) So I was both confused and tempted by this strange game. As I was looking at the box, one of the employees came over and recommended it to me. "It's so fun that you'll laugh till you cry" he said. I now know that he actually meant "it's so evil that you'll cry and then laugh like a basket case".
But I bought the game. It was a Mario game, right? At home I invited some friends over, and together we ventured down in the hideous spiral of despair and miserableness that only a Mario Kart game can create. It was that early autumn evening in 1993 that I was marked for life. It was when my addiction for Mario Kart started, which have had a rather self-destructive impact on my mind. No matter how much insanity I have to go through, I can't imagine a life without it. I'm not asking for a logic explanation, because there are none.
For 19 years I have been a slave of Mario Kart. Been a slave of the twisted characters, who have made a living of making my life sour as vinegar. During these years I have often hated myself for picking that game down from the video game shelf. But at the same time, I can't imagine a life without it.
Super Mario Kart was the beginning, it took me over to the dark side.
Mario Kart 64 was a delight and was also the start of my obsession over Wario's manically laughter.
Mario Kart: Double Dash was twice the fun and twice the madness, it was also the start of my hate towards any baby characters.
Mario Kart DS was fun, but so tiny. I must play it again soon, but not before my mental health is renewed.
Mario Kart Wii was what finally made me snap. And that's it, now I'm damaged beyond repair. I've been defeated.
Mario Kart 7 was a nice, fresh breeze. But why did they make Toad so evil?
Next Mario Kart game will be what kills me, I'm sure of it.
So, what do I think of the characters?
Toad: I just want to put your big, round, delicate mushroom head between my hands, then SQUISH it to a disgusting porridge, and then EAT it in front of your shivering, cowardly friends. You are so God damn annoying.
Baby Mario/Luigi/Daisy/Peach: You are not cute. You are not adorable. You are not heart melting. You are evil and sick. You all make Damien look like a Christian child full of love. I want to drown you all in a bathtub.
Bowser: You... You.. Hmm, how can I stay mad at you? I can't, but you deserve some real beating for always fucking up my 1st place.
Bowser Jr.: You need therapy. And the yellow colored pills. Lots of them.
Yoshi: If I see your over dimensional nose one more time I'm going to cut it off. Stop sticking it in other people's business.
Koopa Troopa/Paratroopa: I have to admit it, you are cute. And I don't want to see you hurt. But sometimes I just want to boil you alive in oil and masturbate to your agonizing screams.
Toadette: Go back to prostitution, because you have nothing behind a wheel to do. NOTHING!
Birdo: You too, you cross-dressing freak. And with a big mouth like that I'll bet you have sucked plenty of cock to get your driver's license.
Petey Piranha: Your head is like a giant wind sail, blocking my view completely. But you have a charming smile, so I'm not sure what to think of you. One part of me wants to chop you into a salad, while another part wants to drive into the sunset with you in your Piranha Pipes kart.
Rosalina: You're a bitch. The worst of them all. A queen bee that deserves to be mauled by a drunk and mean Bowser. And you don't fool anyone, we all know how much you spend on botulinum toxin each year.
Peach: There's only one thing I want to do with you, and that is to push a flamethrower down your throat and watch you burn to ashes from inside out.
Daisy: How old were you again? So stop acting like a "princess". You're a queen mother, a withering leaf. I hope you crash and burn. AND STOP REPEATING YOUR NAME.
Donkey Kong Jr.: You deserve a banana pie. With cyanide. You may have done it good in porn movies, but racing isn't your strongest quality. Now eat your pie.
Diddy Kong: Come with me kiddo, and I'll give you a free lobotomy. Because you have the worst case of ADHD I've ever seen. Afterwards I'll give you a banana.
Metal Mario: Who's nightmare did you escape from? Your voice sounds like someone drowning E.T. in syrup.
Shy Guy: You weird Satan. Can I borrow your head when I go bowling? Why this mask fetish? WHO ARE YOU??
Dry Bowser: That diet didn't do you anything good. You just got more aggressive. Come home with me and I'll make you a good meal and a dessert afterwards.
Dry Bones: Not only did your flesh burn away, but your brain too. You are useless. USELESS, do you hear?
Honey Queen: You're like a bag full of concentrated irritation and loathing. Right now I can't find the right words to describe how much I want to set you on fire.
Wiggler: Are you a male or female? A hermaphrodite maybe? Your shoe fetish doesn't make you any cuter. And come here so I can pull that flower out of your head, maybe your brain will follow?
Wario: You greedy son of a bitch. And how long have you used those purple latex pants? I'll bet you haven't washed them since the 90's. I hope your body one day get smashed by falling rocks while you dig for treasures.
Waluigi: You must have a small penis since you always have to choose the biggest and fastest bikes. I want to tear your limbs off and feed them to starving cannibals.
King Boo: Oh my what a long and powerful tongue you have. Meet me in the shack after the race. But don't you dare to race again, becasue then I have to kill you. One more time that is. Since you're already a ghost.
Mario: I can't uderstand how your body still hangs together. After all that beating and risky adventures your body should be like the one of a 110 year old. My dream is to see you smash into a wall head first. Then Luigi can cry by your grave.
Luigi: Still living in the shadow of Mario? I know a thing you can do that will give you a place in the spotlight. Just mess with the breaks on Mario's gokart. But do you have the brains to do it? Because for me you sounds totally retarded. If God really exist he will let you drive off a cliff without Lakitu helping you avoiding death.
Funky Kong: You should have stayed on your surf board mister.. Why, do you ask? Well, you will regret the choice when I push you down into the lava. The burning sensation will quickly turn to harsh fire and your eyes will melt. It's a very painful death. And don't count on Lakitu to help you out, because his head just got blown off by a sawn-off shotgun.
Lakitu: Lakitu, you have always been an asshole and you will always be an asshole. I'm actually surprised that even Bowser haven't smashed your fragile body with one of the Hammer Bros. hammers.
Mii: Schizophrenia de luxe... I'm confused. And angry.
The games can be fun, yes. But they're also evil.
So very, very evil.
But I bought the game. It was a Mario game, right? At home I invited some friends over, and together we ventured down in the hideous spiral of despair and miserableness that only a Mario Kart game can create. It was that early autumn evening in 1993 that I was marked for life. It was when my addiction for Mario Kart started, which have had a rather self-destructive impact on my mind. No matter how much insanity I have to go through, I can't imagine a life without it. I'm not asking for a logic explanation, because there are none.
For 19 years I have been a slave of Mario Kart. Been a slave of the twisted characters, who have made a living of making my life sour as vinegar. During these years I have often hated myself for picking that game down from the video game shelf. But at the same time, I can't imagine a life without it.
Super Mario Kart was the beginning, it took me over to the dark side.
Mario Kart 64 was a delight and was also the start of my obsession over Wario's manically laughter.
Mario Kart: Double Dash was twice the fun and twice the madness, it was also the start of my hate towards any baby characters.
Mario Kart DS was fun, but so tiny. I must play it again soon, but not before my mental health is renewed.
Mario Kart Wii was what finally made me snap. And that's it, now I'm damaged beyond repair. I've been defeated.
Mario Kart 7 was a nice, fresh breeze. But why did they make Toad so evil?
Next Mario Kart game will be what kills me, I'm sure of it.
So, what do I think of the characters?
Toad: I just want to put your big, round, delicate mushroom head between my hands, then SQUISH it to a disgusting porridge, and then EAT it in front of your shivering, cowardly friends. You are so God damn annoying.
Baby Mario/Luigi/Daisy/Peach: You are not cute. You are not adorable. You are not heart melting. You are evil and sick. You all make Damien look like a Christian child full of love. I want to drown you all in a bathtub.
Bowser: You... You.. Hmm, how can I stay mad at you? I can't, but you deserve some real beating for always fucking up my 1st place.
Bowser Jr.: You need therapy. And the yellow colored pills. Lots of them.
Yoshi: If I see your over dimensional nose one more time I'm going to cut it off. Stop sticking it in other people's business.
Koopa Troopa/Paratroopa: I have to admit it, you are cute. And I don't want to see you hurt. But sometimes I just want to boil you alive in oil and masturbate to your agonizing screams.
Toadette: Go back to prostitution, because you have nothing behind a wheel to do. NOTHING!
Birdo: You too, you cross-dressing freak. And with a big mouth like that I'll bet you have sucked plenty of cock to get your driver's license.
Petey Piranha: Your head is like a giant wind sail, blocking my view completely. But you have a charming smile, so I'm not sure what to think of you. One part of me wants to chop you into a salad, while another part wants to drive into the sunset with you in your Piranha Pipes kart.
Rosalina: You're a bitch. The worst of them all. A queen bee that deserves to be mauled by a drunk and mean Bowser. And you don't fool anyone, we all know how much you spend on botulinum toxin each year.
Peach: There's only one thing I want to do with you, and that is to push a flamethrower down your throat and watch you burn to ashes from inside out.
Daisy: How old were you again? So stop acting like a "princess". You're a queen mother, a withering leaf. I hope you crash and burn. AND STOP REPEATING YOUR NAME.
Donkey Kong Jr.: You deserve a banana pie. With cyanide. You may have done it good in porn movies, but racing isn't your strongest quality. Now eat your pie.
Diddy Kong: Come with me kiddo, and I'll give you a free lobotomy. Because you have the worst case of ADHD I've ever seen. Afterwards I'll give you a banana.
Metal Mario: Who's nightmare did you escape from? Your voice sounds like someone drowning E.T. in syrup.
Shy Guy: You weird Satan. Can I borrow your head when I go bowling? Why this mask fetish? WHO ARE YOU??
Dry Bowser: That diet didn't do you anything good. You just got more aggressive. Come home with me and I'll make you a good meal and a dessert afterwards.
Dry Bones: Not only did your flesh burn away, but your brain too. You are useless. USELESS, do you hear?
Honey Queen: You're like a bag full of concentrated irritation and loathing. Right now I can't find the right words to describe how much I want to set you on fire.
Wiggler: Are you a male or female? A hermaphrodite maybe? Your shoe fetish doesn't make you any cuter. And come here so I can pull that flower out of your head, maybe your brain will follow?
Wario: You greedy son of a bitch. And how long have you used those purple latex pants? I'll bet you haven't washed them since the 90's. I hope your body one day get smashed by falling rocks while you dig for treasures.
Waluigi: You must have a small penis since you always have to choose the biggest and fastest bikes. I want to tear your limbs off and feed them to starving cannibals.
King Boo: Oh my what a long and powerful tongue you have. Meet me in the shack after the race. But don't you dare to race again, becasue then I have to kill you. One more time that is. Since you're already a ghost.
Mario: I can't uderstand how your body still hangs together. After all that beating and risky adventures your body should be like the one of a 110 year old. My dream is to see you smash into a wall head first. Then Luigi can cry by your grave.
Luigi: Still living in the shadow of Mario? I know a thing you can do that will give you a place in the spotlight. Just mess with the breaks on Mario's gokart. But do you have the brains to do it? Because for me you sounds totally retarded. If God really exist he will let you drive off a cliff without Lakitu helping you avoiding death.
Funky Kong: You should have stayed on your surf board mister.. Why, do you ask? Well, you will regret the choice when I push you down into the lava. The burning sensation will quickly turn to harsh fire and your eyes will melt. It's a very painful death. And don't count on Lakitu to help you out, because his head just got blown off by a sawn-off shotgun.
Lakitu: Lakitu, you have always been an asshole and you will always be an asshole. I'm actually surprised that even Bowser haven't smashed your fragile body with one of the Hammer Bros. hammers.
Mii: Schizophrenia de luxe... I'm confused. And angry.
The games can be fun, yes. But they're also evil.
So very, very evil.
He have seduced you with his crispy bones. It seems like I have to drag you down to earth again, preferably after your hair.
Dry Bones just loves you because of all the moisturizing cream you have. That's all. Sorry, he was using you. Now that his skeleton is out of the closet I think it's my turn now to use you.
MAKE ME KOMLER, WOMAN!
I have also invited Bowser. If you behave you may be a backseat Mario Kart driver.
Oh my, robot boobies.
Of course I'll be on Mario Kart for the 3DS while I do so I may not be giving you my full attention.
I demand underwater blowjob every time you bump into me at the racing courses. That, and that you shoot a spear gun at Toad's gigantic freakshow of a head.
More drilling.
With a bigger spear.
With more barbs.
Warm up that dentist chair.
Going to IKEA.
And when I come home,
drill me till I scream.
And then some more.
Forever.
And ever.
And ever.
FOREVER!