The mind is a very powerful thing especially driven by raw emotion such as joy or sadness. The emotion which has controlled the majority of my life, even more so recently, is fear. Fear is defined as sensing danger or discomfort due to some type of stimulus. It seems so simple put that way but to me it feels more difficult. Fear is such a consuming emotion, it controls your actions and words. Fear drives me to a state of absolute paralysis. I freeze up and lock down.

I am afraid of many things. I am afraid I will lose my job, not making my parents proud, losing my little sister, friends walking away, and ending up alone. I let these fears drive me to lie and take advantage of the ones I care for most. Fear allows me to be abused at work so I never have to say no and pick up some many shifts I end up work 60 hours a week. Fear allows me to lie to my parents about who I am so they do not have to go through the pain of having a "faggot son". Fear allows me to take advantage of my little sister and how she constantly looks out of me. Fear allows me to lie to friends I so I never have to say I'm not in the mood to hang out or that I don't want to talk or hang out them. Fear allows me to shield my other emotions people I want to spend time with, people who could be something special in my life.

Why do I succumb to this fear so heavily? I am more afraid of what happens if I let myself out. I am petrified of saying no to my boss, of telling my parents I am interested in guys, that I should be one looking after my little sister, telling friends what is actually going on with me, and telling people how I actually feel about them. The truth is the scariest thing to me. Lying is easier than telling the truth. I can just lie and get away with it most of the time. Most of the time that is, lately the lies have come crashing in on me. I seemed to have blocked myself in a corner, and this is not the first time. Usually all I do is lay low and manage, but my conscience has been driving me up the wall. I feel like it's time to turn over a new leaf in my life. It's time to I live before I let my lies bury me forever and never get to feel anything real again.

Thanks for reading, (hopefully someone will read this wall of text)
KaGe