Ok so 2019 is upon us, this year hasn’t started out exactly how I wanted but it will get better. Usually I make a couple of resolutions and why I want to make them but not this year. I began to think why would I wait until the next year to change something. Why can’t I just make a change when the inspiration comes. Mine came to me on December 23. I need to make a change. I want to be open and honest.

I need to stop ignoring my problems and looking for what makes me comfortable. I keep looking past things and ignoring the big problems I have in my life. The first is I am not putting my best effort into things. Yeah I’m sticking to my workout plan and making nutrition changes. But I could do more at being a better me and work. I am not practicing what I preach in that I haven’t been making myself comfortable with being uncomfortable. I am afraid of reject when with finding a partner. I’ve been scared to have someone tell me no again. I need to work on this.

I am also afraid to follow what makes me happy. I keep finding myself wanting to be more and more feminine in life. Yeah I like to be big, bad, and fit but being all of that while wearing a skirt, thigh-high socks, and a cut off shirt is an awesome idea to me. I am however afraid to show my girly side for reasons of public rejection, lack of understanding, and not a full understanding of myself and to express what I want. This is the second thing I need to work on.

I need to work on being a better salesman, it is my job. Tied into rejection and not knowing how to express myself. I am afraid of losing clients and not being to get more. I have good products, I consider it a skill I can talk to anyone, and I’m young enough to outwork the competition. Yet here I am so afraid to make a move I made myself hate my job. I can be very organized and can routinely keep up with the market due to my autism. This is the third thing I need to work on.

I write all these things to not vent or have y’all feel sorry for me. These are things I need to put down so I can stare myself down in the mirror every morning. Yeah they made seem like simple things that shouldn’t have that big of impact. I don’t feel they are simple, I like to refer to them as the small details about myself. In my life I have found the small details are more important than the big. Fixing these problems will have ripple effects through my life with time and effort. Yeah I own a house now, make more than ends meat, and am in better shape than I ever have been before. There is still room to improve