EDIT: I have been shown by friends that my situation is much worse than I ever imagined. I'm in an abusive family. I'm being mentally abused by being criticized and expectations have been enforced upon me, to the extreme that it's been damaging me. It's...so hard to understand, yet alone see the exact problem...I've never faced anything like this, and as I type this, someone is helping me figure out how and when I should leave. He's trying to help me find a way to get to his place, right now...it's so sudden...it scares me...I'm sorry...Just..so much is piling on...maybe this is what is supposed to happen, heh...

My emotions...are literally so intense right now, I can't sleep. Try as I might, sleep will not come to me. Everything I do, every single thought that crosses my mind, leaves me restless. So many emotions cloud me that I can't begin to write them, yet alone explain why. None of them are positive.

It's making me wonder, if I leave this place, what will become of my family. Part of me doesn't care, the other part wants to be here for them. However, my heart screams that I must leave, if only so I can get into a more positive setting. I'm losing my mind, just sitting in my room, talking to my friends, seeing what I can do to help...when I can't even help myself at this point. I just want to leave...I truly do...and go out, figure out what I can do to help others.

I don't even know what I can do for money, once I do leave. The most I can do is maybe fix and build computers, mainly desktops, for people. The least I can do is offer some sort of service, maybe Tarot or Reiki, but even at that I really don't want to make money like that...I want to help, but I don't want to be forced to charge people for what I do. I want to do things because I feel like it, not because it's a chore. And it's starting to feel like everything is a chore lately. And now...even sleeping is a chore.

I don't really know what to do right now. I'm even being called into work today, on my day off, because of one thing, and then I won't even be able to go back home for a few hours after. Have to buy my own food as well. I just can't catch a break right now. No peace, within me. Something has me so truly troubled within, despite as much healing I try to go through. My balance is gone. What disturbs it?

These questions are troubling me, for I know the outside turmoil is simply a reflection of what is inside me. My soul itself is in chaos, yet there seems to be no way of finding the answer. There's too much change, yet still not enough, as I'm obviously trying to adapt to so much at once. I don't even know the issue. I'm just..torn from within, and my life is proving it. Once I solve my inner conflicts, I will be at peace again. But to do that, I don't know what must be done. So, I'm stuck within the duality of positive and negative. Blades of light and dark try to shatter the other, and so much bloodshed can be seen. Yet, not one body is on the ground. I need to free myself from the struggle, somehow. I require inner balance. If I don't gain back my balance again, I will be consumed by the imbalance.

I...may require time away from here. I don't know for sure, but it may become a possibility. I'll make sure to let anyone know if that happens, but right now...my thoughts are too conflicted to make that an inevitability. I need time to think this through. Most importantly, my balance must be regained. That's the only time I can achieve peace, and thus, be able to do what I truly want, with anything.

I love everyone here. I love my Treasure, who I know will be reading this. And to him, I apologize for not talking much in the last few days. But so much has been on my mind. I don't even know who I am right now...and the last thing I want to do is cause harm. I only seek peace. It just feels so unobtainable right now.