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An Apology/Finally Stable
5 years ago
SA-X, Walkerfire, Sammonaran, Raiok, Ashanriu, Wasdramer, Zyraph. Too many names. X3
I know this probably sounds cringy, and I apologize in advance. I'm going to try to leave this as brief as possible.
I'm sorry. I ran from everyone. I burned bridges. I hid away, as the world burned around me, because I really was afraid of everyone and everything. I had the worst time of my life, clinging to literally everyone and everything. I pushed very, very kind people away, because I had to focus a lot more inward. I had to do that, to get myself stable, and figure my shit out.
The first part was, why? Why did I run? I was afraid. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I went into some sort of defense mode, to where I didn't know how to function. I took on too much, all on my own, because I cared too much, so... I just broke. I cared that much, and went insane when I didn't know how to control it all.
So, found out a lot about myself, after so long. The core reason I ran, was because of something called Borderline Personality Disorder. Remember all the voices and different pieces of myself? There's that answer. Yes, the voices are still there. Raiok, Ashanriu, and Zyraph are still there. It's just a lot more manageable now. They weren't that problematic, it was everything else that was. Running away, disassociating from a lot of my own pain and issues, by trying to help others through their own, literally drowning myself in it all? That's just been my biggest issue. As a result, I fucked up college, and quite a bit of my early 20s.
This isn't what the journal is about, though. Recently (last week or two), I thought about trying to reconnect with a few old friends, because I was finally stable enough to talk again. I've been looking through the last couple of days to reconnect, and saw that I'd lost some deep connections, permanently. This has caused a lot of emotions within me, and I want to get back to those I used to know. Even if I may not be the same person as before, or even if they have changed, I want my words to them to be something other than cringe or worse. I want to be with my old group of friends again, at least a little.
So, I've sent out some friend requests on Steam. I've also updated my contact information to actually match my active accounts. Additionally, I'll even give out my personal number if I remember you and contact me in a note or through other means.
I know I've done some messed up shit in the past, but I want some people from my past back in my life. It may be a bit painful to confront, especially with truly deep connections from before, but I want and need this. I want to heal these parts of me so I can be whole again, and to show I'm not a shit cringy person anymore.
I'm sorry. I ran from everyone. I burned bridges. I hid away, as the world burned around me, because I really was afraid of everyone and everything. I had the worst time of my life, clinging to literally everyone and everything. I pushed very, very kind people away, because I had to focus a lot more inward. I had to do that, to get myself stable, and figure my shit out.
The first part was, why? Why did I run? I was afraid. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I went into some sort of defense mode, to where I didn't know how to function. I took on too much, all on my own, because I cared too much, so... I just broke. I cared that much, and went insane when I didn't know how to control it all.
So, found out a lot about myself, after so long. The core reason I ran, was because of something called Borderline Personality Disorder. Remember all the voices and different pieces of myself? There's that answer. Yes, the voices are still there. Raiok, Ashanriu, and Zyraph are still there. It's just a lot more manageable now. They weren't that problematic, it was everything else that was. Running away, disassociating from a lot of my own pain and issues, by trying to help others through their own, literally drowning myself in it all? That's just been my biggest issue. As a result, I fucked up college, and quite a bit of my early 20s.
This isn't what the journal is about, though. Recently (last week or two), I thought about trying to reconnect with a few old friends, because I was finally stable enough to talk again. I've been looking through the last couple of days to reconnect, and saw that I'd lost some deep connections, permanently. This has caused a lot of emotions within me, and I want to get back to those I used to know. Even if I may not be the same person as before, or even if they have changed, I want my words to them to be something other than cringe or worse. I want to be with my old group of friends again, at least a little.
So, I've sent out some friend requests on Steam. I've also updated my contact information to actually match my active accounts. Additionally, I'll even give out my personal number if I remember you and contact me in a note or through other means.
I know I've done some messed up shit in the past, but I want some people from my past back in my life. It may be a bit painful to confront, especially with truly deep connections from before, but I want and need this. I want to heal these parts of me so I can be whole again, and to show I'm not a shit cringy person anymore.
Thank you!