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Medication Side-Effects/Lots of News
8 years ago
SA-X, Walkerfire, Sammonaran, Raiok, Ashanriu, Wasdramer, Zyraph. Too many names. X3
I'm sorry it seems like I dropped off the face of the Earth, but there is an explanation, and it's not something I've been fully able to help! I promise it's not intentional, but there is a reason, please bear with me. I will explain this with great detail in this first section. I am breaking this journal into four parts: Medication, news of my grandmother/mother, vacation I just took, and the possibility of moving from where I'm currently living. There's a LOT to read, and I'm sorry, I haven't had a chance to lay it all out, but here we are. Feel free to skip parts that don't interest you, I just ask that you at least read through the first section because that will hopefully explain why I've been even more silent than usual.
***There's a Tl;Dr at the bottom of the journal if you don't want to wade through thousands of words. Sorry for being way too wordy ^.=.^;;***
Medication Side-Effects
The medication I'm taking for my ADHD (Adderall) has some side effects. Just like every kind of medication one can take, they could be mild or severe (or somewhere in between). The intended effect is that you are supposed to concentrate a bit more on a given task, whether it be a video game, or your job. You tend to shut out more distractions, they don't affect you as much, and this improves the ability to multitask and think more deeply about what you are doing. It also allows you, in some instances, to focus on multiple thoughts at once. For example, I could be taking an order for someone on drive-thru, grabbing some things to stock, and having a conversation with a coworker, all without it making me forget too much about the customer's order. This effect is positive, and is the main effect of the drug.
However, this comes at a cost. Because I get so focused on things (in this instance, a game I've been playing a LOT lately), I don't pay attention to the notifications that have been piling up on my phone. I have my phone set to a really high volume (second-highest I can set on it). While playing my game, I can hear it go off. I don't check my phone much at all. I get so focused on the game that I just don't look at my notifications much at all. The worst part of this, is that I don't get back with anyone trying to get a hold of me. I have multiple chats on Telegram that I just have not responded to. I feel really bad about this, and I promise, if I haven't responded to you, it's not because you've done anything wrong. I've not expected this kind of effect, so it's just really hard to be social online because of it. If it's in person, I'm fine, because that has my center of focus. If it's online, I just haven't talked to much of anyone. I've talked to two people through Telegram in the last month, and both I know personally as they are local. I'm really sorry to anyone that I haven't talked to. It's not you, I'm just trying to force myself to get back into being social.
I can attribute this to the medication, since, while I have not been as social as I used to be, this is like jumping off of a social cliff. I've had multiple people with experience with the drug tell me that it is an effect from it, and that I must force myself to be social. The drug gives me the stimulation that I need to focus on tasks and whatnot. In other words, it gives me something I've been lacking all of my life, and this "something" is what most people have already. Without that "something," I either focus too much on something (like my emotions) or too little (like my job). This is the design of the medication. However, part of my stimulation when I did not have the drug, was to talk to people a lot. Constantly. I would give others a lot more attention than I would give myself, to the point I would neglect a lot of things I should have been taking care of on my own. Now that I have that stimulation, I have no need to find an external stimulus. Since talking to others was that stimulus for so long, I just stopped entirely.
This effect is one that I do not desire. I care about all of my friends, and I struggle greatly with this issue. It is a huge deal to me, because I want to be able to talk to you guys, it's just that I keep running through a specific process in my head. "I should talk to this person, but I'm doing something and I don't want to keep them waiting while I'm doing something." "I should talk to this person, but I'm about to head into work now so I can't even have a conversation with them." "I should talk to this person, but I'm about to sleep, so if I start now, I won't sleep much at all and it will affect me physically, mentally, and emotionally." Thoughts like these actually stop me from reaching out to others, and it's such a difficult thing to let go, because while those thoughts are correct, they pop up so frequently that I can't get any words out to people. It hurts...and I really, really do not like this.
A theory that my brother has made, is that it's due to me taking the timed-release version of Adderall. Everyone that I know who takes Adderall takes the rapid-release version. The rapid release of the drug into the system creates a huge stimulus, which boosts whatever that person wants to do and it eventually wears off within 8-13 hours. The timed release version, which I take, can last 12-18 hours and provides a smaller stimulus over time. This version also affects my sleeping patterns, as I can get so wrapped up in whatever I am doing, that I just can't stop myself from continuing with whatever I am focused on. Additionally, since it is a stimulant, It will force my body to be awake until it runs its course. I am forced to stay awake and pay attention to something for a long period of time, shutting out all distractions (including friends) until I either pass out or the drug wears off.
While the effects are intended, they are not effects that I want to have on that end. I'm going to be talking to my doctor about options, and try to push for the rapid release version. I asked about it last time, but he was increasing my dosage from 10 mg to 15 mg, and said he didn't want to give me the rapid release. I'm assuming it is probably due to people selling that version on the street a lot more often than the timed release version. I will just have to make my case, and hopefully he will switch it up.
Additionally, another effect that I've been having is that my anger has started showing itself more. It's like I've lost a little bit of my patience, but I think it's just more that since I didn't really show my anger (I felt the emotions, I just didn't express it as much), it's making me express it a little more. This is a side effect my brother had with this, though it was when they had him on an improper dosage. It was so extreme that he could not control his anger and would snap on the most trivial of things. He didn't really remember much of those things either, though he did say he felt like something else had taken him over when that occurred. Like he was watching from above, his body acting on its own. Mine is not to that extreme, I just express my anger more when I have that emotion. On the other hand, I get over my anger quicker. I'm not sure if it's because whatever is making me angry is being resolved quicker, or if it's just by me expressing that anger, that it lets me feel like it was validated enough to just let it go. Either way, it is also something I should address with my doctor.
Anyway, that's the critical part I hope you all read. If you don't want to do anymore reading, I understand, I'm just glad you guys looked this far. The rest, while also important in some ways, can be skipped, since I just want to at least share things going on in my life outside of my mental health.
My Grandmother and Mother
As I've told you guys before, my grandmother has ovarian cancer. I haven't had a chance to share much of the extent of it in the last few months, but it has been upgraded to stage 4. They are not doing surgery because they have found some of the cancer cells in her lungs, though it was in a fluid, not actually in the lungs themselves. Either way, they cannot operate on her. They are giving her a drug that is just barely exiting testing stages. The effects from this drug are to basically kill off the cancer cells as well as weaken them enough to where the body can get rid of them. The side-effects are horrifying, however. It is possible she could die with this treatment, as it greatly weakens the immune system. I cannot even touch the drug myself, as one of the effects is it could render me sterile (I'm not joking). Anyone that handles the drug must wash their hands after touching it, as the effects are very dangerous if ingested by someone that is not prescribed the medication. It is harmful to humans, and while no longer "experimental", I'm not sure how this drug will affect my grandmother. Even with this drug, her death is a real possibility. They've also said there is no possibility for her to go into remission. The rest of her life, she will have this cancer, and this is the best hope she has to living longer. In other words, while they didn't directly say it, this cancer is terminal, because it has spread into multiple systems and surgery is not possible.
My mother is not doing well either. She went to the doctor two weeks ago, complaining about chest pains. They ran a lot of tests, and told her she was in the highest risk category for having a heart attack (obese, high blood pressure, lots of stress, diabetic, and she's had a heart murmur since she was born). There is a huge possibility she could have a heart attack at any moment. I do not know what to make of this. She's trying to sell my grandmother's house, but my grandmother is trying to prevent that because she wants more money. Luckily, my oldest brother has Power of Attorney over her, and is doing everything to get the house sold. There is so much debt, plus she hasn't paid the property taxes in over a year, so it must be sold.
This is not an easy time for my family. It hasn't been an easy time for my family in years, but it has literally gotten worse for them in the last ten years, each situation worse than the last. I literally have no idea how this keeps piling up more and more.
This stuff aside, I do have some good news below.
Vacation
My mate and I have been having a lot of arguments lately, mainly about our living situation. However, it was pressing so much on my mind that I questioned if I even wanted to be with him still. The fact that I didn't want to move in with him and his dad was one of the things that has weighed me down a lot since I got together with him. I might have mentioned this before, but his father is an alcoholic, smokes a lot (cigarettes mainly, but he also has weed) (I'm not knocking weed, btw, I'm just saying it doesn't affect me and I'm not supposed to smoke that with Adderall anyway), and he also occasionally goes for some harder drugs. He is so far obese that he can't even walk 50 feet without sitting down, completely winded. He loves his guns and thinks Trump is the best thing that ever happened to this country. He complains about more things than anyone I've ever met, and 90%+ of those things, he could prevent by doing some things just slightly differently.
Combine this with my mate not happy with his workplace, his father being a great asshole all the time, and our relationship struggles, we both took a bit of a vacation. My mate was able to use some paid leave for his, and I just asked for four days off, unpaid (I don't have vacation days) and we just spent some time trying to reconnect. We went downtown to a hotel for a night, and walked around Indianapolis the next day. By doing this, it helped me realize that I didn't really want to let go of my mate. I just really wanted us to move out of his father's trailer, so I could actually be with him without worrying about if I could even spend time with him or if his dad's codependency would force us to not even be able to talk for five minutes.
I've struggled for a long time, not knowing if I wanted to still be with my mate or not. It has been the hardest decision in my entire life to this point. It's not been a very easy thing I've been able to think about, but it's a huge decision for me. For now, I feel he is still the right one for me. I feel if he wasn't living with his father, he would probably be a lot more open to a lot of things. I think he plays game a lot because he is extremely stressed out because of his father, and if he was away from him, he'd probably do more than just play games a lot. I'm not sure if that's entirely how that will work, but I want to at least get him into an environment where he has a chance to feel less pressure and stress from his father, at least so he is happier.
This leads me into my last bit of news.
Possibly Moving
So, two dear friends of mine just got married. I've known them since college, and they are great friends. I feel like I know them really well, especially since we've talked alot and we get along really well. They are going to move from their current apartment complex to something a little bit bigger, and while they could afford it on their own, they want to pay off their debt while living there. So, they have asked if my mate and I wanted to move in with them. We talked about a lot of the things that needed to be addressed about it, and the location they were thinking about would mean that I'd have to quit my current job. However, I could get a job at a place I used to work at, and probably make more money than I'm currently making simply because I'd have full time. I could also get my old 401k back and it would just overall be a much better situation for me. They don't smoke, they rarely drink (but they aren't bad drunks), and I feel like this living situation could definitely work. Cost for the place would be around $400 per couple, and utilities would be split up each month. We'd all go grocery shopping together, to make sure everything we want would be purchased at that time.
I could make that jump immediately, when they get things sorted, I just have to ensure I can get my old job back (The only thing preventing that is if my old store manager retired). My mate will probably stay with his dad for awhile longer, since he still doesn't know if he wants to stay at his current job, or find something closer to where the place of living may be. He will have to learn to drive if he chooses to stay where he currently works (I'll also need to learn, but it will be far easier for me to learn in that living situation). All in all, I feel this will be a huge change, but a much needed one, for everyone involved.
I just have to remember that this is still in the planning phase. The final location is still being decided, and things can very easily change. Nothing is solid yet, though I do feel like the four of us could live together pretty well. I'll have a lot more details in the coming weeks, on all of these things going on. I need to communicate stuff more often...I just realized I spent over two hours typing all of this stuff up, without much interruption. I'm really sorry for all the text guys! I'll provide a Tl;Dr.
Tl;Dr:
Adderall is making me focus too much on other tasks to the point that I'm not focused on being very social online. I'm contacting my doctor to get this addressed and hopefully taken care of.
My grandmother's cancer is basically terminal and they are giving her a drug that may help delay things, but it could also kill her. My mother's health is not well either, since she is in the highest category for a heart attack.
My mate and I took a vacation, reconnected a bit with each other, and we are working towards moving out of his father's place.
Two friends that just got married are talking about my mate and I moving in with them when they get a new place. It sounds very promising, but everything is still in the planning stages.
***There's a Tl;Dr at the bottom of the journal if you don't want to wade through thousands of words. Sorry for being way too wordy ^.=.^;;***
Medication Side-Effects
The medication I'm taking for my ADHD (Adderall) has some side effects. Just like every kind of medication one can take, they could be mild or severe (or somewhere in between). The intended effect is that you are supposed to concentrate a bit more on a given task, whether it be a video game, or your job. You tend to shut out more distractions, they don't affect you as much, and this improves the ability to multitask and think more deeply about what you are doing. It also allows you, in some instances, to focus on multiple thoughts at once. For example, I could be taking an order for someone on drive-thru, grabbing some things to stock, and having a conversation with a coworker, all without it making me forget too much about the customer's order. This effect is positive, and is the main effect of the drug.
However, this comes at a cost. Because I get so focused on things (in this instance, a game I've been playing a LOT lately), I don't pay attention to the notifications that have been piling up on my phone. I have my phone set to a really high volume (second-highest I can set on it). While playing my game, I can hear it go off. I don't check my phone much at all. I get so focused on the game that I just don't look at my notifications much at all. The worst part of this, is that I don't get back with anyone trying to get a hold of me. I have multiple chats on Telegram that I just have not responded to. I feel really bad about this, and I promise, if I haven't responded to you, it's not because you've done anything wrong. I've not expected this kind of effect, so it's just really hard to be social online because of it. If it's in person, I'm fine, because that has my center of focus. If it's online, I just haven't talked to much of anyone. I've talked to two people through Telegram in the last month, and both I know personally as they are local. I'm really sorry to anyone that I haven't talked to. It's not you, I'm just trying to force myself to get back into being social.
I can attribute this to the medication, since, while I have not been as social as I used to be, this is like jumping off of a social cliff. I've had multiple people with experience with the drug tell me that it is an effect from it, and that I must force myself to be social. The drug gives me the stimulation that I need to focus on tasks and whatnot. In other words, it gives me something I've been lacking all of my life, and this "something" is what most people have already. Without that "something," I either focus too much on something (like my emotions) or too little (like my job). This is the design of the medication. However, part of my stimulation when I did not have the drug, was to talk to people a lot. Constantly. I would give others a lot more attention than I would give myself, to the point I would neglect a lot of things I should have been taking care of on my own. Now that I have that stimulation, I have no need to find an external stimulus. Since talking to others was that stimulus for so long, I just stopped entirely.
This effect is one that I do not desire. I care about all of my friends, and I struggle greatly with this issue. It is a huge deal to me, because I want to be able to talk to you guys, it's just that I keep running through a specific process in my head. "I should talk to this person, but I'm doing something and I don't want to keep them waiting while I'm doing something." "I should talk to this person, but I'm about to head into work now so I can't even have a conversation with them." "I should talk to this person, but I'm about to sleep, so if I start now, I won't sleep much at all and it will affect me physically, mentally, and emotionally." Thoughts like these actually stop me from reaching out to others, and it's such a difficult thing to let go, because while those thoughts are correct, they pop up so frequently that I can't get any words out to people. It hurts...and I really, really do not like this.
A theory that my brother has made, is that it's due to me taking the timed-release version of Adderall. Everyone that I know who takes Adderall takes the rapid-release version. The rapid release of the drug into the system creates a huge stimulus, which boosts whatever that person wants to do and it eventually wears off within 8-13 hours. The timed release version, which I take, can last 12-18 hours and provides a smaller stimulus over time. This version also affects my sleeping patterns, as I can get so wrapped up in whatever I am doing, that I just can't stop myself from continuing with whatever I am focused on. Additionally, since it is a stimulant, It will force my body to be awake until it runs its course. I am forced to stay awake and pay attention to something for a long period of time, shutting out all distractions (including friends) until I either pass out or the drug wears off.
While the effects are intended, they are not effects that I want to have on that end. I'm going to be talking to my doctor about options, and try to push for the rapid release version. I asked about it last time, but he was increasing my dosage from 10 mg to 15 mg, and said he didn't want to give me the rapid release. I'm assuming it is probably due to people selling that version on the street a lot more often than the timed release version. I will just have to make my case, and hopefully he will switch it up.
Additionally, another effect that I've been having is that my anger has started showing itself more. It's like I've lost a little bit of my patience, but I think it's just more that since I didn't really show my anger (I felt the emotions, I just didn't express it as much), it's making me express it a little more. This is a side effect my brother had with this, though it was when they had him on an improper dosage. It was so extreme that he could not control his anger and would snap on the most trivial of things. He didn't really remember much of those things either, though he did say he felt like something else had taken him over when that occurred. Like he was watching from above, his body acting on its own. Mine is not to that extreme, I just express my anger more when I have that emotion. On the other hand, I get over my anger quicker. I'm not sure if it's because whatever is making me angry is being resolved quicker, or if it's just by me expressing that anger, that it lets me feel like it was validated enough to just let it go. Either way, it is also something I should address with my doctor.
Anyway, that's the critical part I hope you all read. If you don't want to do anymore reading, I understand, I'm just glad you guys looked this far. The rest, while also important in some ways, can be skipped, since I just want to at least share things going on in my life outside of my mental health.
My Grandmother and Mother
As I've told you guys before, my grandmother has ovarian cancer. I haven't had a chance to share much of the extent of it in the last few months, but it has been upgraded to stage 4. They are not doing surgery because they have found some of the cancer cells in her lungs, though it was in a fluid, not actually in the lungs themselves. Either way, they cannot operate on her. They are giving her a drug that is just barely exiting testing stages. The effects from this drug are to basically kill off the cancer cells as well as weaken them enough to where the body can get rid of them. The side-effects are horrifying, however. It is possible she could die with this treatment, as it greatly weakens the immune system. I cannot even touch the drug myself, as one of the effects is it could render me sterile (I'm not joking). Anyone that handles the drug must wash their hands after touching it, as the effects are very dangerous if ingested by someone that is not prescribed the medication. It is harmful to humans, and while no longer "experimental", I'm not sure how this drug will affect my grandmother. Even with this drug, her death is a real possibility. They've also said there is no possibility for her to go into remission. The rest of her life, she will have this cancer, and this is the best hope she has to living longer. In other words, while they didn't directly say it, this cancer is terminal, because it has spread into multiple systems and surgery is not possible.
My mother is not doing well either. She went to the doctor two weeks ago, complaining about chest pains. They ran a lot of tests, and told her she was in the highest risk category for having a heart attack (obese, high blood pressure, lots of stress, diabetic, and she's had a heart murmur since she was born). There is a huge possibility she could have a heart attack at any moment. I do not know what to make of this. She's trying to sell my grandmother's house, but my grandmother is trying to prevent that because she wants more money. Luckily, my oldest brother has Power of Attorney over her, and is doing everything to get the house sold. There is so much debt, plus she hasn't paid the property taxes in over a year, so it must be sold.
This is not an easy time for my family. It hasn't been an easy time for my family in years, but it has literally gotten worse for them in the last ten years, each situation worse than the last. I literally have no idea how this keeps piling up more and more.
This stuff aside, I do have some good news below.
Vacation
My mate and I have been having a lot of arguments lately, mainly about our living situation. However, it was pressing so much on my mind that I questioned if I even wanted to be with him still. The fact that I didn't want to move in with him and his dad was one of the things that has weighed me down a lot since I got together with him. I might have mentioned this before, but his father is an alcoholic, smokes a lot (cigarettes mainly, but he also has weed) (I'm not knocking weed, btw, I'm just saying it doesn't affect me and I'm not supposed to smoke that with Adderall anyway), and he also occasionally goes for some harder drugs. He is so far obese that he can't even walk 50 feet without sitting down, completely winded. He loves his guns and thinks Trump is the best thing that ever happened to this country. He complains about more things than anyone I've ever met, and 90%+ of those things, he could prevent by doing some things just slightly differently.
Combine this with my mate not happy with his workplace, his father being a great asshole all the time, and our relationship struggles, we both took a bit of a vacation. My mate was able to use some paid leave for his, and I just asked for four days off, unpaid (I don't have vacation days) and we just spent some time trying to reconnect. We went downtown to a hotel for a night, and walked around Indianapolis the next day. By doing this, it helped me realize that I didn't really want to let go of my mate. I just really wanted us to move out of his father's trailer, so I could actually be with him without worrying about if I could even spend time with him or if his dad's codependency would force us to not even be able to talk for five minutes.
I've struggled for a long time, not knowing if I wanted to still be with my mate or not. It has been the hardest decision in my entire life to this point. It's not been a very easy thing I've been able to think about, but it's a huge decision for me. For now, I feel he is still the right one for me. I feel if he wasn't living with his father, he would probably be a lot more open to a lot of things. I think he plays game a lot because he is extremely stressed out because of his father, and if he was away from him, he'd probably do more than just play games a lot. I'm not sure if that's entirely how that will work, but I want to at least get him into an environment where he has a chance to feel less pressure and stress from his father, at least so he is happier.
This leads me into my last bit of news.
Possibly Moving
So, two dear friends of mine just got married. I've known them since college, and they are great friends. I feel like I know them really well, especially since we've talked alot and we get along really well. They are going to move from their current apartment complex to something a little bit bigger, and while they could afford it on their own, they want to pay off their debt while living there. So, they have asked if my mate and I wanted to move in with them. We talked about a lot of the things that needed to be addressed about it, and the location they were thinking about would mean that I'd have to quit my current job. However, I could get a job at a place I used to work at, and probably make more money than I'm currently making simply because I'd have full time. I could also get my old 401k back and it would just overall be a much better situation for me. They don't smoke, they rarely drink (but they aren't bad drunks), and I feel like this living situation could definitely work. Cost for the place would be around $400 per couple, and utilities would be split up each month. We'd all go grocery shopping together, to make sure everything we want would be purchased at that time.
I could make that jump immediately, when they get things sorted, I just have to ensure I can get my old job back (The only thing preventing that is if my old store manager retired). My mate will probably stay with his dad for awhile longer, since he still doesn't know if he wants to stay at his current job, or find something closer to where the place of living may be. He will have to learn to drive if he chooses to stay where he currently works (I'll also need to learn, but it will be far easier for me to learn in that living situation). All in all, I feel this will be a huge change, but a much needed one, for everyone involved.
I just have to remember that this is still in the planning phase. The final location is still being decided, and things can very easily change. Nothing is solid yet, though I do feel like the four of us could live together pretty well. I'll have a lot more details in the coming weeks, on all of these things going on. I need to communicate stuff more often...I just realized I spent over two hours typing all of this stuff up, without much interruption. I'm really sorry for all the text guys! I'll provide a Tl;Dr.
Tl;Dr:
Adderall is making me focus too much on other tasks to the point that I'm not focused on being very social online. I'm contacting my doctor to get this addressed and hopefully taken care of.
My grandmother's cancer is basically terminal and they are giving her a drug that may help delay things, but it could also kill her. My mother's health is not well either, since she is in the highest category for a heart attack.
My mate and I took a vacation, reconnected a bit with each other, and we are working towards moving out of his father's place.
Two friends that just got married are talking about my mate and I moving in with them when they get a new place. It sounds very promising, but everything is still in the planning stages.
Roostro
~xzts
[Mlemming Intensifies]
riolufan
~riolufan
just glad your ok
UnnamedDragon
~unnameddragon
Hopefully your mother improves, and the treatment helps your grandmother...
