I don't know if it's just me, but quite a few of the journals I see (that aren't related to streaming or opening commissions) have to do with venting bad stuff. Talking about how life is hard at the moment, all the pitfalls they've gone through recently, or perhaps an angry rant directed at someone anonymous. Generally speaking, I don't really enjoy those journals. I still read them, for who-knows what reason, but I can't say much about them. As most of you are already aware, I'm not exactly the most sympathetic of people, and my first reaction is to point out the things to do to fix the situation or what behaviors to avoid next time that they did this time. It's seen as callous, even if I'm trying to be helpful. I don't care about how well other people are doing, and it occasionally feels like I'm being inundated with these journals.

Which makes me feel especially foolish when I get the urge to post a journal about how I'm doing, which is typically pretty shitty when I have said urge.

I mean, given all that, I get it. We all want to share our personal stories to our social circles, whom or whatever they may be. Since I tend to feel foolish hypocritical urges, I tend to avoid posting those journals, preferring to do my necessary emoting to one or two people in private conversations elsewhere. When I do end up posting a journal, like this one, it's because I don't feel like there's anyone I can talk to.

So, on that note, I shall now whine about the current hardships in my life!

Holyfuckbillsbillsbills why do I never have enough money for anything

Seriously, I'm really fucking poor at the moment. I'm starting to fall behind on rent and internet and... actually, just all of my bills. I'm genuinely concerned about getting evicted in the following few months, and I continue to know pretty much no one around here. The way my paycheck works has put me behind, and late fees are starting to add up. Otherwise, I think I make enough to cover everything at the bare minimum. I've been fighting for the last two weeks to get the hours I need to even make that much, and my cunt of a boss keeps scheduling me for less hours than that. I've started to look for something else in the job market, but I'm not hopeful that I'll find anything soon. Or, I should say, soon enough.

Related to my financial woes is car woes. My car is starting to have a multitude of minor things that need fixing. All of which are relatively cheap, as cars go, but I lack the funds to give my car the attention it needs. Especially with freezing weather coming up (uh... do I need snow tires? Fuck, I'm so unprepared for winter), I'm just hoping I can nurse it through until I have the money to fix everything. Before the minor problems become major ones.

I'm fighting depression, as always. Again, I lack the funds to effectively deal with the problem, namely seeing a therapist again and going back on antidepressants. It's... been tough, recently. For as long as I've struggled with the issue, I've always been a functional depressed person. I got up every day and did what I had to do, feeling like a computer or a robot. I tend to eat when I'm down (trying to make myself feel better with pizza), which hasn't changed, but I'm slipping into the realm of non-functionality; not having the energy to get out of bed, not really taking care of hygiene matters as I should, having serious sleep difficulties, etcetera. I'm concerned about the possibility of hurting myself.

Lastly, winter is coming. Normally, I'd be excited for the cold, but I haven't had a functional heater for weeks, which I discovered when I tried to turn on my heater for the first time. In the course of preparing the way to replace the heater, they had to 1) remove a door and 2) remove my hot water heater. My apartment dropped to 44F (7C) inside today. Thankfully, it was finally replaced today, so I'm enjoying the warmth 65F now, but I still don't have hot water.

In recompense, the main office did give me the keys to the jacuzzi in the main office, which has an shower room attached. Being winter, it's closed to the rest of the complex, so I'm the only one even capable of getting in. I went last night, and it was luxurious bliss. I genuinely felt happy for the first time in weeks, maybe months. I felt good, emotionally and physically, for maybe an hour before sliding back.

Maybe I should get back in the jacuzzi...