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It's Times Like These That I Wish MST3K Was Still Around...
13 years ago
General
Glad You Could Stop By! Please, Come on in and Soak Up The Greatness!
Another journal so quickly? What the hell is going on?
Don't fret my pretty pets. I just wanted to see if everyone had a good Thanksgiving/November 22nd. For those celebrating November 22nd Day, I do hope that you lit a candle to commemerate the 1573 founding of the Brasilian city of Niterói. A very important event indeed.
For us Turkey Day revelers, I hope it went as smoothly for you as it did for us up here. All I can say is that after all the cooking and cleaning, it was nice to break open the wine and settle down for a night of Sega in front of the woodstove.
Yes, during the moving of everything from my former den to remodel it into our new arrival's room (I still have this biting premonition that it's going to be twins...God help me) I uncovered a box containing my old Sega Genesis system.
Well, such a treasure was not overlooked by our friend who joined us this year, especially Alaska's favourite Eskimo swooner Justin Nelson, and it was agreed upon whole-heartedly that it was to be hooked up and a rousing tournament of Sonic The Hedgehog took us into the night.
Well, we made it to bed around three am, after much wine and rediscovering the magic of Michael Jackson's Moonwalker (Smooth Criminal never sounds as good as it does on a 16-bit soundcard) but Nicole was up at 6, shaking me awake to remind me that today we were expecting a delivery of baby furniture that I would be lucky enough to put together. I mumbled something and said wake me up in an hour.
I woke up without her aid and discovered her in the living room, watching a movie she had DVR'd a day or so earlier and she smiled and patted the couch cushion next to her, inviting me to sit. One look at the movie on the screen and I could already tell it was trouble. The little logo in the corner proclaimed it to be one of those Lifetime movies and I knew right away I was in for bad acting, bad writing, sappy plotlines, and way too much happiness overload.
I would have made my escape, but my fiance said the words that prevent you from running away or saying anything negative out of threat of castration: "I think you should join me. We need to get use to watching family-friendly things together.) Then the guilt-inducing pat on the stomach.
"But we do, my dear," I answered. "We watch 'The Amazing Race' and 'The Walking Dead' on Sundays and 'Top Gear' on Mondays. That's very wholesome."
"Oh come on! Just watch this movie with me. I didn't complain when you played Sega all night. Do it for meeee." A smile.
I was toast.
Okay, I admit it. I have watched ONE Lifetime movie in my life. One. It was early morning, I couldn't sleep, couldn't break out of a writer's block, and generally didn't feel like doing anything but flipping through the offerings of DirectV. And there was a movie on the Lifetime Network, I can't remember the name, but it was about this single mother and her loser kid driving their rundown Chevy Caprice to a convience store to buy pizza and they get carjacked and have to drive to frickin Maryland or Guam to get this stolen money the carjacker ripped off from some mob boss and then the loser kid escapes on a school bus and the carjacker locks the mom in the boot of the car and sets it on fire. But because this is a Lifetime movie and she's a strong-willed, independent woman who doesn't need a husband, she's able to get out of the trunk before the car of course explodes. Then she walks to a diner and finds out her son is okay and before calling the cops she sees the same carjacker attack another single mother and her loser kid ands steal their car. Then miraculously she grows a set of ovaries, steals some poor guy's Bronco and chases him down. It all ends in a warehouse shootout where she gets the carjacker's stolen money and can buy braces for her loser kid. Or some bullshit like that.
Anyways, it's a safe bet to say that a half-hour into this movie, I was rekindling the magic powers of riffing, taken from everyone's favourite bad-movie mocking series Mystery Science Theatre 3000. It was the only thing that helped me survive. Literally. this movie was just that bad.
Things I learned from that movie:
Okay, so you're a single mother who's broke. Fine. That's based in reality. But why are you driving your 1990 Chevrolet Caprice which gets HORRIBLE gas mileage to a GAS STATION CONVENIENCE STORE to overpay for a Tony's frozen pizza for your dopey son. That makes great fiscal sense.
It takes well over two days and nights to drive from Georgia to Louisiana. On the Interstate.
Police roadblocks are completely useless in capturing bank robbing carjackers. The Trooper on duty will believe anything when a MAN is behind the wheel driving, but will dismiss any nervous or frightened behaviour of a WOMAN with nary a second glance.
The swamps of Louisiana look surprisingly similiar to the San Bernardino Valley
Every single woman in Louisiana is a single mother, completely helpless and vulnerable to any man who approaches, no matter how bad a flannel shirt he is wearing.
You always mistakenly dial 411 instead of 911 when attempting to call for help from a truck stop bathroom. And 411 operators take a good five minutes to answer and then act like you're speaking Lebanese when you try to get them to help you.
Also, you're ex-husband ALWAYS calls right after you tell the carjacker that you don't have a man in your life.
You can launch a Ford Bronco over a parked camping trailer, roll it several times, land on the roof, and still manage to walk and handle a shotgun. This is one of Newton's Laws I'm told. (Also, above was done while NOT wearing a seatbelt)
When you're discovered with a duffel bag full of stolen cash, two dead police officers, and a dead carjacker surrounding you in an abandoned warehouse, you always get to keep the money. No questions asked.
Blowing away said carjacker with a shotgun is legal in Louisiana, seeing as you are a single mother who went through a traumatic experience but found your inner courage and came out stronger in the end to protect your child and prove that you can live your life with out a male influence.
Yeah. That was my one experience with a Lifetime movie. And today was my second. So, seeing as how I was already confined to the torture chamber, I sat down next to my loving future wife.
"Want me to start it from the beginning so you know what's going on?' she asked me sweetly.
"Of course. If I'm going to have my eyeballs seared out of my skull, might as well do it from the beginning."
"Please don't sit here and make wisecracks throughout the movie either. It's really charming and sweet." she asked me.
"No promises," I answered. And it was a good thging I said that.
Cause when you are introduced to a movie entitled 'The Christmas Consultant' starring David Hasselhoff and the always bubbly corpse of former Sabrina: The Teenage Witch cadaver Caroline Rhea, you know riffing is in the cards.
"Oh geez..." I said after the title credits. This was going to be torture.
All I can say at this point...since I am still numb and reeling, is that the riffing was much and very extreme for the short while I watched this film.. And I wish I could find clips of this horrid movie to share with you, but so far none exist. Luckily I did find an episode of 'The Soup' that spends the first five minutes warning you of the dangers of letting David Hasselhoff come near your teenage daughter and your family in general.
Here is the link to watch said madness if you dare: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQnnumuytW8&oref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fresults%3Fsearch_query%3Dthe%2Bsoup%253A%2Bthe%2Bchristmas%2Bconsultant%26oq%3Dthe%2Bsoup%253A%2Bthe%2Bchristmas%2Bconsultant%26gs_l%3Dyoutube.12...13839.16013.0.18006.10.10.0.0.0.1.99.666.10.10.0...0.0...1ac.1.sfsu2DQhgcg&has_verified=1
Luckily for me, I was only about forty-five minutes into the torture when the FedEx Freight truck arrived and I was called away to start unloading and putting together furniture. Thank the KLord for 'Some Assembly Required' bassinets.
I could give you a list of things I learned about this movie...but it's not Halloween. And I like you guys too much to do that to you.
All I can say is I'm glad to see David Hasselhoff can find work.
Until next time,
~Adrik
Don't fret my pretty pets. I just wanted to see if everyone had a good Thanksgiving/November 22nd. For those celebrating November 22nd Day, I do hope that you lit a candle to commemerate the 1573 founding of the Brasilian city of Niterói. A very important event indeed.
For us Turkey Day revelers, I hope it went as smoothly for you as it did for us up here. All I can say is that after all the cooking and cleaning, it was nice to break open the wine and settle down for a night of Sega in front of the woodstove.
Yes, during the moving of everything from my former den to remodel it into our new arrival's room (I still have this biting premonition that it's going to be twins...God help me) I uncovered a box containing my old Sega Genesis system.
Well, such a treasure was not overlooked by our friend who joined us this year, especially Alaska's favourite Eskimo swooner Justin Nelson, and it was agreed upon whole-heartedly that it was to be hooked up and a rousing tournament of Sonic The Hedgehog took us into the night.
Well, we made it to bed around three am, after much wine and rediscovering the magic of Michael Jackson's Moonwalker (Smooth Criminal never sounds as good as it does on a 16-bit soundcard) but Nicole was up at 6, shaking me awake to remind me that today we were expecting a delivery of baby furniture that I would be lucky enough to put together. I mumbled something and said wake me up in an hour.
I woke up without her aid and discovered her in the living room, watching a movie she had DVR'd a day or so earlier and she smiled and patted the couch cushion next to her, inviting me to sit. One look at the movie on the screen and I could already tell it was trouble. The little logo in the corner proclaimed it to be one of those Lifetime movies and I knew right away I was in for bad acting, bad writing, sappy plotlines, and way too much happiness overload.
I would have made my escape, but my fiance said the words that prevent you from running away or saying anything negative out of threat of castration: "I think you should join me. We need to get use to watching family-friendly things together.) Then the guilt-inducing pat on the stomach.
"But we do, my dear," I answered. "We watch 'The Amazing Race' and 'The Walking Dead' on Sundays and 'Top Gear' on Mondays. That's very wholesome."
"Oh come on! Just watch this movie with me. I didn't complain when you played Sega all night. Do it for meeee." A smile.
I was toast.
Okay, I admit it. I have watched ONE Lifetime movie in my life. One. It was early morning, I couldn't sleep, couldn't break out of a writer's block, and generally didn't feel like doing anything but flipping through the offerings of DirectV. And there was a movie on the Lifetime Network, I can't remember the name, but it was about this single mother and her loser kid driving their rundown Chevy Caprice to a convience store to buy pizza and they get carjacked and have to drive to frickin Maryland or Guam to get this stolen money the carjacker ripped off from some mob boss and then the loser kid escapes on a school bus and the carjacker locks the mom in the boot of the car and sets it on fire. But because this is a Lifetime movie and she's a strong-willed, independent woman who doesn't need a husband, she's able to get out of the trunk before the car of course explodes. Then she walks to a diner and finds out her son is okay and before calling the cops she sees the same carjacker attack another single mother and her loser kid ands steal their car. Then miraculously she grows a set of ovaries, steals some poor guy's Bronco and chases him down. It all ends in a warehouse shootout where she gets the carjacker's stolen money and can buy braces for her loser kid. Or some bullshit like that.
Anyways, it's a safe bet to say that a half-hour into this movie, I was rekindling the magic powers of riffing, taken from everyone's favourite bad-movie mocking series Mystery Science Theatre 3000. It was the only thing that helped me survive. Literally. this movie was just that bad.
Things I learned from that movie:
Okay, so you're a single mother who's broke. Fine. That's based in reality. But why are you driving your 1990 Chevrolet Caprice which gets HORRIBLE gas mileage to a GAS STATION CONVENIENCE STORE to overpay for a Tony's frozen pizza for your dopey son. That makes great fiscal sense.
It takes well over two days and nights to drive from Georgia to Louisiana. On the Interstate.
Police roadblocks are completely useless in capturing bank robbing carjackers. The Trooper on duty will believe anything when a MAN is behind the wheel driving, but will dismiss any nervous or frightened behaviour of a WOMAN with nary a second glance.
The swamps of Louisiana look surprisingly similiar to the San Bernardino Valley
Every single woman in Louisiana is a single mother, completely helpless and vulnerable to any man who approaches, no matter how bad a flannel shirt he is wearing.
You always mistakenly dial 411 instead of 911 when attempting to call for help from a truck stop bathroom. And 411 operators take a good five minutes to answer and then act like you're speaking Lebanese when you try to get them to help you.
Also, you're ex-husband ALWAYS calls right after you tell the carjacker that you don't have a man in your life.
You can launch a Ford Bronco over a parked camping trailer, roll it several times, land on the roof, and still manage to walk and handle a shotgun. This is one of Newton's Laws I'm told. (Also, above was done while NOT wearing a seatbelt)
When you're discovered with a duffel bag full of stolen cash, two dead police officers, and a dead carjacker surrounding you in an abandoned warehouse, you always get to keep the money. No questions asked.
Blowing away said carjacker with a shotgun is legal in Louisiana, seeing as you are a single mother who went through a traumatic experience but found your inner courage and came out stronger in the end to protect your child and prove that you can live your life with out a male influence.
Yeah. That was my one experience with a Lifetime movie. And today was my second. So, seeing as how I was already confined to the torture chamber, I sat down next to my loving future wife.
"Want me to start it from the beginning so you know what's going on?' she asked me sweetly.
"Of course. If I'm going to have my eyeballs seared out of my skull, might as well do it from the beginning."
"Please don't sit here and make wisecracks throughout the movie either. It's really charming and sweet." she asked me.
"No promises," I answered. And it was a good thging I said that.
Cause when you are introduced to a movie entitled 'The Christmas Consultant' starring David Hasselhoff and the always bubbly corpse of former Sabrina: The Teenage Witch cadaver Caroline Rhea, you know riffing is in the cards.
"Oh geez..." I said after the title credits. This was going to be torture.
All I can say at this point...since I am still numb and reeling, is that the riffing was much and very extreme for the short while I watched this film.. And I wish I could find clips of this horrid movie to share with you, but so far none exist. Luckily I did find an episode of 'The Soup' that spends the first five minutes warning you of the dangers of letting David Hasselhoff come near your teenage daughter and your family in general.
Here is the link to watch said madness if you dare: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQnnumuytW8&oref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fresults%3Fsearch_query%3Dthe%2Bsoup%253A%2Bthe%2Bchristmas%2Bconsultant%26oq%3Dthe%2Bsoup%253A%2Bthe%2Bchristmas%2Bconsultant%26gs_l%3Dyoutube.12...13839.16013.0.18006.10.10.0.0.0.1.99.666.10.10.0...0.0...1ac.1.sfsu2DQhgcg&has_verified=1
Luckily for me, I was only about forty-five minutes into the torture when the FedEx Freight truck arrived and I was called away to start unloading and putting together furniture. Thank the KLord for 'Some Assembly Required' bassinets.
I could give you a list of things I learned about this movie...but it's not Halloween. And I like you guys too much to do that to you.
All I can say is I'm glad to see David Hasselhoff can find work.
Until next time,
~Adrik
It was just one of those movies that's like a train wreck. You know you don't want to watch and yet you can't look away. You need to see how much worse it can get...
The pain! The pain!
~Adrik
Seriously, I can never tell if Lifetime is more misogynistic or misandristic.
Please, allow me to buy you a handgun and a keg of beer as my condolences.
As for the woman hating her dopey son...I'm pretty sure he was out walking the streets the next night, hoping for the next carjacker to roll up.
This movie was just perfect MST3K fodder. I mean I had no where near the brilliance in wisecracking, but I made it through the bad acting, huge plot holes, and overall silliness with the knowledge garnered from years and years of being a Mistie.
We must start a movement to get that show back....there are too many bad movies running amok! They need to be reigned in! I call for revolution! Who shall stand with me?
~Adrik
Send her kisses from me (we usually kiss instead of hugging here in Portugal)!!!
Yay so curious to see your lil pup! And sooo happy you decided NOT to grow up. You're going to be an amazing dad if you just keep on being who you are! You kid is gonna love having you guys for family <3
Sooo happyyyyy :D
And very good to hear from you again! You are another one of my friends that I missed throughout the summer. I got your message pleading for another crazy journal to read (don't worry, I will have one up very soon. Chock full of weirdness)and I felt so awful that i hadn't had time to get online. But all the preperations are complete and hoppefully by March we will be welcoming in the new additions to our family.
I continue to say additions because it looking more and more like the possibility of twins is actually going to happen. And that is something i am not sure I am ready for. But, if it ends up being double the trouble, I will do the honourable thing and sell them on the black market to Thailand.
I'm just kidding. China pays more actually.
So much to catch up on, as I'm sure you are aware. I do hope everything is going well with you and your fiance and animals. I'm sure like the rest of us, life has taken over and ruled your spare time with an iron fist. But hopefully you remember to kick real life aside once in a while and just enjoy time with your art! (Which reminds me, I have a lot of submissions to go through...you better have some treats in there for me to comment and fave! :XD)
And I have more good news. After more exhaustive research and truthfully, unsure of how to proceed with your Gloria project, I finally sat down today and wrote up the first five pages of a new installment. I was afraid and discouraged because the other drafts I had written seemed hokey and ill-fitting, like I was trying to force the characters into a story instead of letting the characters tell me a story. I don't know what broke my bloc, but this week I gave it more and more thought and put my Bumbler story aside and just let the writing take over. And this time I like what is on the screen.
So prepare yourself for another long overdue installment hopefully after Christmas.
Other than that, things are going good up here in the Last Frontier. We have plenty of snow and below freezing temperatures if you you need any. And since I worked so crazily through summer, I plan on being on through most of the winter, so we'll have to keep in touch and bounce ideas off of each other as time permits.
Well my dear friend, very glad to hear from you again and I hope that you and those around you have a wonderful Christmas and end of 2012, and that i look forward to providing you with more zaniness and absurdity in 2013! Pending whether or not the world ends in a few weeks. If that's the case...I'll send you my new DVD, Adrik Wolf Goes Wild and Tells Lame Jokes-Live in Moscow! That way you can shake your head and go...what the heck is wrong with him?
Alright. You take care and I'll be hopefully talking to you again soon!
Always,
~Adrik
Awww i missed you!!! I'm just happy to hear the good news (or double good news!!) and know you're all right :D
Hmmm no, i don't have a lot of submissions for you to look at... because i'm working on something top secret! I'm illustrating a children's book and just got asked to do one more book next Yay :D
That IS amazing news! Gloria has been on my mind and always will be, be sure of that. I have NOT forgotten it and will get to it when the time is right ;)
Oh. This is 12.12.12 and the world has not yet ended. I guess it may still happen eventually? Hope not :P
Still want to chat with you some more times before we blow up this mother fucker planet!!!