Get your paws out of the M&M bowl and come gather round.

Yes, that's right. I'm here after yet another successful week of winning to let you all bask in the greatness that only I, Adrik Richard Wolf, everybody's shining star of absolute grandeur, can bestow upon your glistening eyes.

I'm a big Wolf with a new pair of solar shields and you know you can't look away. Big ass glasses, perfectly luscious hair, and that winning attitude that just makes you all go weak in the knees.

You know, it was only a few weeks ago where many of you didn't think this dream would go anywhere. There were many of you writing me off as a joke or a non-serious candidate, but look who has suddenly changed their tune. This month has been a month of winning and greatness and you all enjoyed being here to witness me hand out Adrik Wolf-sized thumpings to anyone who dared to get in my way. You know you want greatness and I am the only Wolf on here who can not only deliver that greatness, but deliver it without having any clear direction or solution other than saying "Trust me. Things are going to be great."

So much winning. Let's focus on the winning for a moment. Did you see how great I was last week? You all can admit you weren't expecting that. If you listened to the experts, the ones who claim to have a handle on these sorts of things and swear they have much nicer solar shields then yours truly, then you would have figured we were destined to be buried and forgotten a long time ago. But look at what's happening. I am winning, winning, winning.

And you're winning too. Not in the sense that I'm winning of course. I mean let's be serious here. There's only one Wolf who can handle this much greatness and take this much time into crafting such a remarkable parody. But you get to watch me become greater day by day and that's a good thing. You love watching me win.

It's going to be an amazing thing on Tuesday. I'm slated for a lot more winning. Alaska? You know I'm going to be great there. How can you have the name AlaskanWolf and not take Alaska? I mean come on. Vermont? Absolutely winning that place. I did things with a jug of maple syrup and a gypsy that those residents of Stovington are going to have seared into their memories forever. Great things. Sticky things. So many pancakes.

Let's see...what else. Michigan? Eh, I really don't care about Michigan. I can probably give that to some down on their luck soul who wants to have a taste of clearance-rack greatness. I've got to get onward to other things.

We'll save that state for Rubio.

Now Florida. Florida is all mine. They know greatness when they see it coming. I told them I was going to build a wall around the state to keep out the hurricanes and they ate it up like a Lean Cuisine dinner. They love me in Florida. I'm very popular down there. They love my plane as well. We flew over Florida last week to remind everyone about my amazingly great victories and they came out in droves to gaze upon me. It was great.

The only thing about Florida was we drove by an abandoned Jeb Bush campaign headquarters building on the way back to the aeroport and I must admit, I got spooked. Now don't worry...I'm fine. I'm too great to let a little thing like a deserted storefront ruffle my fur, but I will readily admit I was a little shaken by the experience. We slowed the convoy down as we drove by the derelict structure, and every member of my amazing team, but mainly me because I'm so great, could feel this overpowering sensation of dread and sadness. I was able to peer in through the windows and it reminded me of the Mary Celeste, the famous sailing vessel that was discovered out on the sea with no crew members aboard.

“Look at the debate prep notes still written on the whiteboards and the polling data piled on the desks―it’s as if people were working here like normal and they just suddenly disappeared,” I said to my driver, shuddering as I pointed to a half-spilled box of bumper stickers sitting near a dumpster and a limp, faded banner reading “Jeb!” dangling from a back wall. “I heard that sometimes, late at night, if you’re walking by this place, you can still hear the sound of Bush’s chief messaging officer walking him through his talking points. This place gives me the creeps.” Then there was a flash of lightning and that revealed the ghostly silhouette of a man who I believed to have been Bush’s senior strategist for South Carolina standing rigidly in a second-floor window, I had to let out a loud scream and we quickly sped away into the night.

It was a very harrowing experience, but I can say with confidence that I came out a winner and my greatness lives to fight another day. But come on Florida, you have to get rid of those ghosts of Jeb Bush. I can't be allowing you into the Adrik Wolf Greatness party with that hanging over your head. Do yourself a favour and send all that Jeb! nonsense to Michigan.

As for me, I'm in Houston for the weekend, hanging out with AC/DC and spreading the gospel of greatness to all who would die without hearing it. My message is strong and my solar shields are new. Am I worried about what's coming up for the month of March?

Ha!

Have you seen my poll numbers? This thing is as good as mine! You can't touch this greatness and you certainly don't want me going away anytime soon. I'm the greatest thing that's every happened to you all. I know you aren't going to give it up so easily.

We have a lot more winning to do. And luckily I love the uneducated masses who worship me like the god that I am!

Unless you're from Michigan. I can't help you with that. Sorry.

~Adrik