Yes, it's about 7:30 on a Sunday night, got some time before 'The Walking Dead' and 'The Amazing Race' come on, so let's have some laughs with another journal that starts off with innocent, everyday questions and I completely twist and warp around because I am that sort of furry!

Today's challenge: Answer an extremely easy, pointless meme as if you were an elderly black woman living in 1950's Alabama as depicted by a Sophmore-year college student at the University of Alaska-Fairbanks, taking a creative writing course.

Let the magic begin!


Have your parents ever caught you drinking?
Her hands were cracked. They were large and massive, too immense for her short Southern frame.

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
They were knurled and gnarled with age, arthritis, and ancient scars—cotton husks, leather whips, and briar patches had all left their mark on those swollen hands.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
A world of memories flowed through these veins, spread across her fingers like a chokecherry tree.

Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
Those hands had seen a lot of things.

Last restaurant you went to?
“Oh, these calloused, calloused hands,” she told me as she rocked back and forth on the porch, the smell of sweet peach tea hanging in the air.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
“Sweet thing, fetch me my chamomile lotion.”

Did you have an exciting weekend?
I told Mrs. Jessups it was time to go, that we’d be late.

Have you ever crawled through a window?
“Never you mind, chile,” she’d say. “Never you mind.”

What do you spend most of your money on?
She moved slow like molasses, syrupy but determined.

Where were you at 1AM sunday morning?
Knowing how much it hurt to move those brittle bones, it broke our hearts.

Ever kissed someone over 20?
“Lawd, how a body do get tired,” the old woman said, her voice frail, yet proud.

Is there a secret you've never told your parents?
“And heav’ns if you young things don’t know what is’ like to sweat! Ah reckon I’m’a soak clean through my bonnet today.”

Do you like yourself?
Sunday was Market Day, which meant Mrs. Jessups would go down to the corner and sell her famous shoofly pies, a family recipe passed down from her old Grandma Toots.

Have you ever dyed your hair?
Later that morning she would put on her old flowered sundress and crisp white gloves and head out to church, her face a vision of pride. “Time to hear the preachin’ man preach.”

Are you wearing a necklace?
“Lawdy, girl, if you not in ya church dress in 15 minutes I’ll be gettin’ the switch on yeh!

Who is someone you wish you could fix things with?
Ag’nes! Ag’nes! You bring the lil’ miss her bonnet now. Lawd in heav’n, if this my chile I slap her upside the head!”

Is there anything in your past that you'd like to try again?
My sister was only four, but she knew better than to cross Mrs. Jessups or she’d get a real Southern scare like she used to give her son Rhemus.

Are you an emotional person?
Far as we knew, Rhemus was still over in county jail for Lord knows what.

What's something that can always make you feel better?
Mrs. Jessups didn't talk about him much.

Did your parents spoil you as a child?
“Good lawd in heav’n chile, you march yer toot right up that stair n’ fetch me my Bible gloves."

Do you still have pictures of you & your ex?
"Mercy, mercy, mercy! Sweet Jesus, Mary, ’n’ Joseph, this chile gon’ be the death ah me!”

How's your heart lately?
Once a day she’d walk on down the hallway, look at pictures from the past.

Will this weekend be a good one?
The late Mr. Jessups, Rhemus, Grandma Toots; their smiles permeated the room, erased the suffering for a few treasured moments.

What do you want right now?
A hot, proud tear rolled down the old woman’s wrinkled cheeks.

Who can always cheer you up?
“The Devil’s dust gon’ git ’n mah eyes,” she’d say. “Les’ go back to the kitch’n, sweet things.”

Have you ever gone nude/streaked in public?
After church was when we got to eat the leftover buckwheat cakes

Who hugged you last?
She called it stickin’ food, “’cause it stick to yer ribs.”

Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
Our Mama knew she spoiled us, but she didn’t mind.

Are you a kissable person?
After all, Mrs. Jessups had brought five of us Calhoun kids into this world and Lord knows she’d probably bring five more.

Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?
“Lawd have mercy, you never heard babies so loud as those Calhoun chillen!” she said as she cooked up sweet potatoes on the stove.

What is your relationship status?
“Minute ma’ girl Cecile op’n her mouth, house shakin’ like thund’r storm. I swear that girl gon’ be tall as green beans.” And at that she gave me a wink.

Who was the last person to come to your house?
That winter, Mrs. Jessups came down with the consumption and a touch of yellow fever.

Look behind you, what do you see?
“Nothin’ a little rest and a plate a hot grits can’t fix,” she said with a smile.

How many rooms does your house have?
Mrs. Jessups, she was a fighter, but deep down, though, we knew she was not long for this world.

What would you name your future daughter?
She clasped my hand in her hers; still cracked, still massive, still proud, veiny, and strong.

Who and where was the last concert you went to?
How many babies had these hands brought into the world?

Whats on your schedule for tomorrow?
How many times had she put her palm out to silence a bigoted sheriff, to pound a dry crust of buckwheat, to shield a child’s eyes from a lashing?

What do you think of love?
The old woman loosened her grip. I would never know.

When is the last time you went to a party?
You've just been a part of the short story, 'The Hard Life of Mrs. D’Lulah Jessups', as written and portrayed by Brenden Whittmore, a sophmore student in the Creative Writing Course at the University of Fairbanks, Alaska.


Wow. What an incredibly pointless waste of time. You've learned nothing about me except that i am for whatever reason, practicing to write for a character that is an elderly black woman living in Alabama in the 1950's. So that's something. It's always good to expand your character portfolio. You never know who'll I be next!

Until next time,
~Adrik