Well, I've tried to hold this one inside of me, but I can't take it anymore I need to let it out in the open, I've got my heart shattered to pieces once again, but this time though it was different... It's been 1 month already and still I'm not feeling okay, actually I'm only getting worse and worse as time goes by... I know everyone is full of all these sad journals I've been uploading, but well... Welcome to my life... Only a few knew that this was happening to me, but really I can't swallow this anymore, it's hurting too much! I'm going to tell exactly what happened... And what's been happening bellow:

After losing my ex boyfriend I swore to myself that I wouldn't fall in love anymore, but unfortunately it happened, I fell in love with my best friend 1, maybe 2 months later... When we first met, 9 months ago, both of us were feeling down... We talked to each other and we both felt better, we felt like we'd be friends for forever... After some weeks I came to know that he was st8 and that he was homophobic and also very close-minded (He even used to hate hugs), I felt so bad after learning all of these things about him, I felt like crying and giving up on him... But something inside me said that he was worth the fight... I decided then that I would try and change him for the better... It was tough, but I actually made it, I made him understand that gay people can be nice too and also he started to enjoy giving and recieving hugs... We were like best friends even though we lived far from each other... He told me his secrets and I told him mine, I told him that I'm gay and that I like feet and he accepted me... He told me that he is dominant and I told him that I'm a subby, I asked him to dominate him a couple of times using his feet and he did it, I felt happy again having him by my side... When I was sad and then I saw him logging on the msn I used to smile... I was in love and I didn't know... He promissed me two things: 1st: I'd be the only one to play with this footpaws and 2nd if he ever felt the need to yiff with a male, I'd be the first one... When he started dating his ex girlfriend I felt jealous about it, but I didn't let it interfere with our friendship... As days goes by he actually starts to feel like I'm more important to him then his ex-girlfriend... When they broke up I was there by his side and I helped him feel better... I even introduced him to the fandom... Everything was going so great between us... I used to protect him from anyone that hurt his feelings, although he didn't do the same I didn't care for that, I was loving him... One day I told him that when we first met I thought that he was gay... Oh damn why did I tell him that? He was mad at me... He said that he'd get away from me and would not come back... I fell to my kness and begged him for forgiviness, I started crying irl and I told him that and then I left... He felt guilty for the tears I've shed and then he promissed me that all of the tears I shed wouldn't be in vain... And then our bonds were stronger than never before... If someone saw the way we chatted they'd think that we were each other's boyfriend... I was so happy, but then things irl started to get bad again for me (it was when I wrote the journal "I.Wanna.Die") and I wasn't okay, I wasn't asking him to dominate me anymore and I wasn't playing with his paws, actually I was waiting to see if he'd ask me to do so, because he told me that he loved when I played with his paws... One day sadly he told me that he had asked to one of his friends to lick his paw, breaking the first promisse, we argued 2 days later, I was really upset with all of that, I also told him that he never protected me when other people hurt me... I said I was going to get some time away for me because I wasn't alright... But that wasn't what I did, I couldn't stay away from him... I came back and the whole week he ignored me and posted on facebook saying that he hated me... I was so bad, I cried the whole night, I only fell asleep at 8 A.M on that day... On the following days I learned that he'd broke the second promisse and yiffed 4 times with 2 males... I almost killed myself that day... My friends were worried about me, 2 of them went to talk with him about me and told him that I wasn't okay, he felt guilty again and decided to come and chat with me... I told him that I love him, he said the same thing to me and... We kissed each other twice... He promissed me that he'd fight for me for now on... On the next day all that I could think about was how I wanted to talk to him... After 3 weeks I had so many things I wanted to talk with him... But then... He ignored me once again... He only told me that he was going to start working and wouldn't be able to spend the nights awake with me again... I was sad because that was everything he told me in 2 days after we said "I love you to each other"... On this wednesday is goinf to be 2 weeks from the day we kissed and sayed lovely things to each other and he's still ignoring me like he doesn't care and also he's saying that now he's a mean wolf that haunts foxes and kills them... He also sayed on a post on facebook that he had changed and that he didn't care... I've never loved anyone like I love him, it's been 1 month since everything suddendly changed I can't stand this anymore... He's the love of my life, he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, I just cry every night now while I think about him... I thought that I'd finally be happy... All of my life I've been sad, nothing good ever happened to me, I've no friends irl, my parents hate me, I have a couple of psychological disturbs and a disfuction in my liver which I'm going to have to live with during my whole life and now I lost the love of my life... What reasons do I have to live? Hope? I've already lost all of my hopes with decieving myself and waiting for a miracle that'd never happen... All I wanted was him... He was all I need to be happy... And then he suddendly turned his back on me after everything I did to him... And still I care for him and ask for his friends to take care of him for me... I wish I knew how it feels to be happy...