Broken and twisted -- Validant's Journal -- Fur Affinity [dot] net

Broken and twisted

12 years ago General

I am both broken and twisted
I am thrown overboard awash and left to bare full force of a storm alone in the darkness of my own creation but not exactly my own creation
I'm a castaway of creation of disorder of bad circumstance of bad coincidence and unfortunate soldier in a fight no mere person could ever understand unless they have been place in the same shoes they could never imagine begin to imagine to understand
I have become the embodiment of rage and anger of frustration and pain suffering and sorrow with darkness everywhere I look
my pain is never-ending my suffering continuous and prolonged unable to even let myself die with the cornucopia of opportunity to let just the very event take place removing me from this hell from the suffering and agony and darkness always in the dark
changes occurring in return that cause me to begin to question my own sanity to begin to wonder if I could take a life if I could watch the light my victim's face watch their eyes become hazy and faded to see them become glossy and pale leaving a trace of who they once were other than the body that I leave behind
but in my condition that is even a certain impossibility I can't even lift my own hand how could I ever do anything to anybody else
it wouldn't even help anyway the only ones I could ever wish to harm right now are the countless people look away who ignore everyone else's pain for their own purposes to people I would destroy would suffer greatly never get to feel a portion of myself of my agony of my suffering and sorrow and see the world as I do now

there was a time when I felt happy and joyous instead of sorrow and envious
of light now gone which would easily pain replaced now becoming everyone else's bane
darkness surrounding becoming my protector my cover instead of being allowed to find a lover
rage and anger showering me soaking into my very being leaving sorrow to cloud my seeing
leading the resentful and pitiful remainder of a person a shell of what I could have been when everything is said and done
I am broken and alone my friends provide me little comfort and just as well because I caused them nothing but discomfort
the darkness inside overwhelming me nothing I can do no outlet to release my rage left alone inside of the cage the key nowhere to be seen it does not exist in this world left alone inside the storms vortex whirl restrained and chained unable to move or even defend myself this is my hell

I'd like to welcome you all

10 Comments

The_Char_Char ~thecharchar

Art Whore

12 years ago

Wow that was dark... I like it! I know it sounds weird but at times the darkness we see and feel seems endless but it's not, it may be, but there is a light it may be hard to find but it's there and if we can fight off this darkness with our own light we see that we are more than we think there i as small little spark, but that spark is enough to start a huge wild fire to light up across the darkness burning it's eerie cloak and show though the signs of what is true happyness.

Validant ~validant

Watcher

12 years ago

In a way you are correct for most people there is something to behold something to pull your house of that pitch black hole they have fallen into that for someone like me or others like me it's only have two hold onto all we have left and without it we fall into nothingness most of them for people like me that is have given up by now they even let go of the pain and the darkness and everything else and they just disappeared never to come back never to be remembered my light ironically enough is my darkness it literally is all that I am though occasionally I get to glimpse through the veil of darkness and see the happiness of the others which is nice because I care about them

Validant ~validant

Watcher

12 years ago

But I do understand what you mean

The_Char_Char ~thecharchar

Art Whore

12 years ago

Yeah but sometimes a friend is enough to make that spark strong enough to make it really burn.

Validant ~validant

Watcher

12 years ago

And before you all completely misunderstand I have every thought that there's something there waiting to help me to save me but as for what it actually is that is yet to be determined perhaps it is true my own power of will perhaps I cannot say that I'm not waiting to die I have every intention of living of existing but not like this there is a reason I'm not dead yet hardly any children with my condition ever live past 16 this is a fact I am currently 25 living proof I have never given up even one time surrounded in my darkness

and I understand exactly what you mean it only takes one spark to ignite everything unless it is what you have become I don't plan to be dead anytime soon but I shared with you was a glimpse of my psyche

tigerlover2010 ~tigerlover2010

Musician

12 years ago

my god this is really dark, I'm honestly very sorry that you feel this way, the end, death to me is a void and it just is the most frightening thing I can imagine, I know how painfl your condition must be and I'm really sorry, I wish it could be helped and such a lovely person could be spared of their suffering, you don't deserve this and you deserve to be happy and healthy. Sometimes though, we are only given so much and we just need to accept the things we have no control over, "shikata ga nai" as the samurai once said, what's done is done and we need to make the best of things. please, I just wish you all the comfort possible and want you to know that there are people who care about you. I wish you peace and joy and that you may see the light in the world and just find joy in the little things. I wish I or anybody on this planet could help more and it saddens me deeply to hear of such a kind soul going through what you are

Validant ~validant

Watcher

12 years ago

The darkness just does not end never will it can be temporarily washed away but in the long term the long run it never will and to me death presents a different opportunity I believe that perhaps there is something else I'm not talking about Christianity or anything so ridiculous as that but something I believe is out there the things I feel about my vision and my judgment, forget my friends forget my family I forget everything except the pain and the anger and the rage what once was good is slowly fading away from me transforming me into wherever this will bring and it hurts and I know I understand how things go supposedly there is nothing I can do about my circumstances knowing that there is nothing I can do only makes me more frustrated and angry as annoying as it is I wish it would stop would not torture me but it will not

tigerlover2010 ~tigerlover2010

Musician

12 years ago

I understand why you would be angry, it's only natural to hate something you have no control over that hurts you. but it takes energy to hate, it takes planning and intention to be angry, what does it achieve? zi know it's natural to feel the way you do, but I believe that everyone was put on this world to make the best of it and I just don't know how ending up a tired, hurting person filled with regret and waiting to die wil do anything but hurt

Validant ~validant

Watcher

12 years ago

honestly I feed off it and about somebody save me very much stuck here the only way out to have to come from someone else a savior somebody to show me real love probably the only thing that can help me anymore as sad as it might sound I can't find the way out by myself I know that for a fact

Validant ~validant

Watcher

12 years ago

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