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Break up vent. Ignorable.
12 years ago
My boyfriend dumped me a little over two weeks ago. We still live together (I'm getting a new place at the end of next month) and we were still being very close, basically still dating. I didn't want to openly tell my real life friends what I was going through because he's dumped me and gotten back with me a few days later quite a few times. I didn't really believe him when he said it was over. I figured I'd just give him space and he'd come around.
We spend many loving days together. He assured me he just wants some time to himself and he still loves me. I am confused, but believe him. Like a fucking idiot I believe him.
I've been spending my days crying, anxious, and sick. Though I try not to show it because I don't want to push him further away. I was hoping that when I moved out he'd see what he lost and want to get back together.
I went to stay my mother for a few days. I only ended up spending two nights at her place, even though I planned on spending three. I just couldn't be away from him that long. I knew I'd be moving out and I wanted to get in all of the time with him I had left.
I didn't really text me while I was at my mothers. I wanted him to, but I tried to keep myself busy so I wouldn't bother him. The days before I left we spent in each others arms. Happy and content. I knew it wouldn't last, but I figured he'd be kind to me while I was still living with him. I assumed I'd come back and he'd be happy to see me. Because I'm foolish.
I drove back the three hours in the dark. When I got home he was on the couch fiddling with his camera. I asked him if he wanted to come to bed with me, I was very tired from the drive. He told me no, then moved to his computer. I went to bed alone.
The next morning he was grumpy and didn't want to talk to me. I reminded myself this was common for him in the morning. I left him alone. I had to attend I party an organization I work for was throwing that night and wouldn't be home until after 3am. I asked him if he wanted to go, even though I knew he'd say no. He left for work and later I left for the event. When I returned he was laying on the couch watching a movie. He didn't say anything to me. I sat on the floor and started talking to him. He shushed me "I'm watching this." I sighed and told him I had missed him and was very tired. He wouldn't speak to me. I asked what was wrong and he just snapped about the movie. He'd seen it before, he was just avoiding me. I curled up next to him on the couch and slept. Assuring myself that he would be better the next morning.
I awoke hour before him, as usual. He slept until two, I couldn't bring myself to sleep past nine. He hadn't replaced the toilet paper while I was out, even though he knew it was low. Instead of bothering him about it I just let him know I'd go out and get more. He wouldn't speak to me so I left. When I came back he had left for work already.
Like a fool I thought of a million things to tell him when he got off work. I kept myself busy even though I really just wanted to cry. He always tells me I'm being stupid when I cry, so I try not to. He gets off work round 10, but usually doesn't come home until 11. I stay up and wait, even though I'm tired. When 1 rolls around and he isn't home I text him. Just making sure you are okay.. He simply texts back "alive." I figure he's out drinking until 2 with his coworkers. I'm rarely invited, so I wait up. Like an idiot. At three I ask if he's even coming home. Three thirty, still no reply.
And that's when it hits me. I'm the biggest fucking idiot ever. He told me over and over there is no one else. He has no sex drive, he isn't interested in anyone, he loves only me and just needs space. And because I love and trust him, I believe him. Like a fucking IDIOT.
He's staying with another girl. I know he is, because he wont text me back or look at me. He's found someone else. The idea of his fucking someone else isn't the problem, though it does make me sick. It's that he lied. That I fully trusted someone for once and they don't even have enough decency to be honest with me. He dodged me and lied until I'm here sitting up and crying my eyes out at four thirty in the morning. Writing a stupid journal on FA like a dope. As if it even matters. But I have no where else to vent..
So I changed all of my status' to single. I'd been avoiding it so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone about the break up until after I moved. But I can't take it anymore. Hiding alone and crying is pathetic. I've been missing work and blowing people off, without actually telling them why. And I feel like a total jerk. I'm not ready to face this break up, but I guess I never will be. People feel this every day, I know. I'm no different. But I wish he would have held off until I moved out. Had some fucking compassion for what I am going through. I thought at least I was his friend enough.
And what's the worst part? This was all predictable. He was fucking married before he got with me. He left her alone to cry while staying out with me. He told me they had broken up and she was only living with him for a place to stay until she could move. That she was totally fine with the break up and didn't care where he was. Only later did I find out she was crushed. I told myself pretty lies to feel no shame. I told myself she must have just hid it from him, and how could he know. He knew. He's just too selfish to care. And now it's happening to me. I'm sure whoever he's with thinks I am just some loser he used to fuck. He'll say the same things about me he said about her. "I never really loved her, I just felt obligated." "We weren't that serious." "She's off with other people too." "We just had nothing in common. She never wanted to do anything I wanted to do." And so on. Which is funny because we have everything in common, and so did he and his ex wife.
That's what makes me the most sick about everything. When I was with him, and before all of this, we were the perfect couple. Sure, we fought here and there. (I'm sure he'll tell the next girl it was constant fights, because that's what he told me about his ex wife.) But really we were perfect. We both had the same interests and habits for the most part. Compatible in bed and views on life. I'll never find another person who understands me and works so perfect. I'll never find someone as beautiful and perfect to the touch ever again. Never. I know it sounds like I'm just being negative because of the break up, but I'm really just being shallow.
Sure, I'm completely bent out of shape that the person I love and trusted has let me down. But I know I can feel that again. It's the rest of it I'm really losing. The perfect body, the perfect views, the smells, the sex, the food, the interests, the trips we've taken, the memories. Not only will I never be able to match that again, every time I try to include someone in a hobby of mine from now on I'll now HE was doing it with me first. It'll make me feel guilty.
I don't need to be told it'll be okay. It'll get better. Or whatever. I just need to find a way to get out of this life.
We spend many loving days together. He assured me he just wants some time to himself and he still loves me. I am confused, but believe him. Like a fucking idiot I believe him.
I've been spending my days crying, anxious, and sick. Though I try not to show it because I don't want to push him further away. I was hoping that when I moved out he'd see what he lost and want to get back together.
I went to stay my mother for a few days. I only ended up spending two nights at her place, even though I planned on spending three. I just couldn't be away from him that long. I knew I'd be moving out and I wanted to get in all of the time with him I had left.
I didn't really text me while I was at my mothers. I wanted him to, but I tried to keep myself busy so I wouldn't bother him. The days before I left we spent in each others arms. Happy and content. I knew it wouldn't last, but I figured he'd be kind to me while I was still living with him. I assumed I'd come back and he'd be happy to see me. Because I'm foolish.
I drove back the three hours in the dark. When I got home he was on the couch fiddling with his camera. I asked him if he wanted to come to bed with me, I was very tired from the drive. He told me no, then moved to his computer. I went to bed alone.
The next morning he was grumpy and didn't want to talk to me. I reminded myself this was common for him in the morning. I left him alone. I had to attend I party an organization I work for was throwing that night and wouldn't be home until after 3am. I asked him if he wanted to go, even though I knew he'd say no. He left for work and later I left for the event. When I returned he was laying on the couch watching a movie. He didn't say anything to me. I sat on the floor and started talking to him. He shushed me "I'm watching this." I sighed and told him I had missed him and was very tired. He wouldn't speak to me. I asked what was wrong and he just snapped about the movie. He'd seen it before, he was just avoiding me. I curled up next to him on the couch and slept. Assuring myself that he would be better the next morning.
I awoke hour before him, as usual. He slept until two, I couldn't bring myself to sleep past nine. He hadn't replaced the toilet paper while I was out, even though he knew it was low. Instead of bothering him about it I just let him know I'd go out and get more. He wouldn't speak to me so I left. When I came back he had left for work already.
Like a fool I thought of a million things to tell him when he got off work. I kept myself busy even though I really just wanted to cry. He always tells me I'm being stupid when I cry, so I try not to. He gets off work round 10, but usually doesn't come home until 11. I stay up and wait, even though I'm tired. When 1 rolls around and he isn't home I text him. Just making sure you are okay.. He simply texts back "alive." I figure he's out drinking until 2 with his coworkers. I'm rarely invited, so I wait up. Like an idiot. At three I ask if he's even coming home. Three thirty, still no reply.
And that's when it hits me. I'm the biggest fucking idiot ever. He told me over and over there is no one else. He has no sex drive, he isn't interested in anyone, he loves only me and just needs space. And because I love and trust him, I believe him. Like a fucking IDIOT.
He's staying with another girl. I know he is, because he wont text me back or look at me. He's found someone else. The idea of his fucking someone else isn't the problem, though it does make me sick. It's that he lied. That I fully trusted someone for once and they don't even have enough decency to be honest with me. He dodged me and lied until I'm here sitting up and crying my eyes out at four thirty in the morning. Writing a stupid journal on FA like a dope. As if it even matters. But I have no where else to vent..
So I changed all of my status' to single. I'd been avoiding it so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone about the break up until after I moved. But I can't take it anymore. Hiding alone and crying is pathetic. I've been missing work and blowing people off, without actually telling them why. And I feel like a total jerk. I'm not ready to face this break up, but I guess I never will be. People feel this every day, I know. I'm no different. But I wish he would have held off until I moved out. Had some fucking compassion for what I am going through. I thought at least I was his friend enough.
And what's the worst part? This was all predictable. He was fucking married before he got with me. He left her alone to cry while staying out with me. He told me they had broken up and she was only living with him for a place to stay until she could move. That she was totally fine with the break up and didn't care where he was. Only later did I find out she was crushed. I told myself pretty lies to feel no shame. I told myself she must have just hid it from him, and how could he know. He knew. He's just too selfish to care. And now it's happening to me. I'm sure whoever he's with thinks I am just some loser he used to fuck. He'll say the same things about me he said about her. "I never really loved her, I just felt obligated." "We weren't that serious." "She's off with other people too." "We just had nothing in common. She never wanted to do anything I wanted to do." And so on. Which is funny because we have everything in common, and so did he and his ex wife.
That's what makes me the most sick about everything. When I was with him, and before all of this, we were the perfect couple. Sure, we fought here and there. (I'm sure he'll tell the next girl it was constant fights, because that's what he told me about his ex wife.) But really we were perfect. We both had the same interests and habits for the most part. Compatible in bed and views on life. I'll never find another person who understands me and works so perfect. I'll never find someone as beautiful and perfect to the touch ever again. Never. I know it sounds like I'm just being negative because of the break up, but I'm really just being shallow.
Sure, I'm completely bent out of shape that the person I love and trusted has let me down. But I know I can feel that again. It's the rest of it I'm really losing. The perfect body, the perfect views, the smells, the sex, the food, the interests, the trips we've taken, the memories. Not only will I never be able to match that again, every time I try to include someone in a hobby of mine from now on I'll now HE was doing it with me first. It'll make me feel guilty.
I don't need to be told it'll be okay. It'll get better. Or whatever. I just need to find a way to get out of this life.
I remember when my girlfriend went on this trip to Italy for her families business and we were having some trouble before she even went, but nothing too bad. mostly just my inability to feel productive, get a good job and it lowered my self esteem. I felt like the perpetual loser having 2 or 3 crappy jobs at a time and still not even enough cash to buy a car. I would be distant, hiding off online and even flirting with girls because, hey, made me feel good. I would be mad at her for not just leaving me alone when I would just stay up all night. I wanted privacy and escape.
She gets back from Italy and I feel like, Woah. finally I can't believe how much I didn't really respect what I had. pushing her away all the time. the second I saw her I asked her to marry me. She was the girl I wanted to be with. I spent all this money on phone cards and stayed up late every night calling her when it would be early in her hotel rooms. She broke down and told me she slept with one of the companies partners. totally not the response to a proposal I would have expected!
Anyway, sometimes breaks help. like, a ton, but undeniably scary because how can we trust anyone in this world if we can't even trust the people we know better than anyone? Sometimes it's just better to cut our losses on the relationship. I wish I listened to my friends though, got their opinions because sometimes when you act completely out of emotions you are too close to make the right choice.
The only advice I can offer, even though it will hurt like Hell, is to distance yourself. Take a very long, hard look at your situation, do your own personal reality checks, and understand that you're worth better. You're worth not getting cheated on. You're worth not getting pushed aside. You're worth respect, even if the only person who's there to give it is yourself.
Just... get out of that place and move on. Just don't wind up like me, as that's easy enough to do. I never really entered the dating scene after that and it's been closing in on four years. I had a couple of flings here and there, a couple of short-termers, but I was just so quick to turn around and leave when a rough patch was hit. Don't let this experience make you cold. It sucks after a while. Sorry if this is disjointed, but that's about the best advice I'm capable of giving. :/
But yeah, I've been staying out of the house more to try to distance myself. I feel better when I'm not at home.