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TMI Tuesday thoughts
12 years ago
Some less sexy thoughts this TMI tuesday, but hey, it's not all dicks and rainbows.
Social anxiety:
I am often tremendously, painfully shy, especially when trying to be social. Basically to the point of having panic attacks. My mind just starts to race, and I start thinking that everyone hates me, thinks terribly of me, and just wants me to go away and leave them alone.
It’s a nearly paralyzing problem at times, even with my closest friends. Hell, there are even times it’s hit when I want something from Lost, though that usually more to do with sex and kink things.
The first time I went to a dance at AC is one example. I was literally unable to make myself get up and dance with my friends even though I desperately wanted to. I just sat in a chair and watched, and afterwards I felt terrible. I was convinced everyone hated me for not participating, and just wished I wasn’t there anymore. But I also was certain if I had gotten up and danced I would have made such a fool of myself they would have been even more unhappy with me than they were with me not doing so.
It’s a very toxic feeling, and very hard for me to break out of. I’ve been hugely grateful to Lost for dragging me out of my shell and forcing me into these sorts of things. As bad it can leave me feeling, inevitably when we do it again I get over my anxieties and actually enjoy myself. I feel bad for him having to deal with my idiocy, though.
Self Image:
I’m constantly amazed to think that
l0st, or anyone else in the world, might actually find me attractive. I’m trying to get in better shape, and have lost a good bit of weight, but all I can think of when I see myself is how much I hate how I look. I honestly have trouble imagining anyone finding me attractive, and wish I just had a boatload of time and money to throw at the problem, so I could get a good trainer and diet coach, and go to the gym more and not feel awful. Prolly liposuction too, just to help things along.
Twitter:
I feel like I’m a terrible creeper on twitter. I have a lot of kinks, but the idea of trying them out myself leaves me feeling rather terrified. Partly because some of them involve a degree of giving up control that scares me (hypnosis, heavier bondage). Partly because I think people would look down on me for them (pup play, fursuit sex). And finally, partly because I think they would end up being much less sexy in real life and sort of… ruin things for me (fursuit sex, pup play, heavier bondage, milking machines, hypnosis).
So instead of actually doing them, I tend to just find people that indulge in them, and try to sort of lurk and watch. But I think that must make people think I’m some terrible awful creeper person. I’m really trying not to be, I just… I dunno. I want to be part of things, and it seems like people are willing to talk about them openly, so it feels like a safe way to sort of, feel things out and see how they are. But then I feel like I’m just that creepy guy who sits and watches and makes everyone uncomfortable and they just wish he’d go away.
Being a horndog
I can get amazingly horny at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I like it, cause it means if I really want to I can just go and go and go sexually. But a lot of the time I wish it was less ridiculous. I feel like I’m some kind of awful pervert who’s way more concerned with sex than everyone else and everyone hates me for it. I just wish I could be less of a hornball all the damn time, I feel like I’d be a lot more productive if I wasn’t. Gods know I’ve tried all sorts of ways to modify my behavior though and none of it has helped, so I’m stuck with it I guess.
Making conversation
I'm terrible at talking to people. I just can't ever think of things to talk about, and usually the other person leads the conversation. I always feel like I'm boring the other person to tears or that I sound like a complete ass. I really feel bad about it cause I want to talk more with people and get to know other people better. I'm kind of worried that as much as having l0st around has helped me meet people that I'm coming to rely on him to get me out and meeting people. I'm afraid I'm becoming dependent on him for that.
Social anxiety:
I am often tremendously, painfully shy, especially when trying to be social. Basically to the point of having panic attacks. My mind just starts to race, and I start thinking that everyone hates me, thinks terribly of me, and just wants me to go away and leave them alone.
It’s a nearly paralyzing problem at times, even with my closest friends. Hell, there are even times it’s hit when I want something from Lost, though that usually more to do with sex and kink things.
The first time I went to a dance at AC is one example. I was literally unable to make myself get up and dance with my friends even though I desperately wanted to. I just sat in a chair and watched, and afterwards I felt terrible. I was convinced everyone hated me for not participating, and just wished I wasn’t there anymore. But I also was certain if I had gotten up and danced I would have made such a fool of myself they would have been even more unhappy with me than they were with me not doing so.
It’s a very toxic feeling, and very hard for me to break out of. I’ve been hugely grateful to Lost for dragging me out of my shell and forcing me into these sorts of things. As bad it can leave me feeling, inevitably when we do it again I get over my anxieties and actually enjoy myself. I feel bad for him having to deal with my idiocy, though.
Self Image:
I’m constantly amazed to think that
l0st, or anyone else in the world, might actually find me attractive. I’m trying to get in better shape, and have lost a good bit of weight, but all I can think of when I see myself is how much I hate how I look. I honestly have trouble imagining anyone finding me attractive, and wish I just had a boatload of time and money to throw at the problem, so I could get a good trainer and diet coach, and go to the gym more and not feel awful. Prolly liposuction too, just to help things along. Twitter:
I feel like I’m a terrible creeper on twitter. I have a lot of kinks, but the idea of trying them out myself leaves me feeling rather terrified. Partly because some of them involve a degree of giving up control that scares me (hypnosis, heavier bondage). Partly because I think people would look down on me for them (pup play, fursuit sex). And finally, partly because I think they would end up being much less sexy in real life and sort of… ruin things for me (fursuit sex, pup play, heavier bondage, milking machines, hypnosis).
So instead of actually doing them, I tend to just find people that indulge in them, and try to sort of lurk and watch. But I think that must make people think I’m some terrible awful creeper person. I’m really trying not to be, I just… I dunno. I want to be part of things, and it seems like people are willing to talk about them openly, so it feels like a safe way to sort of, feel things out and see how they are. But then I feel like I’m just that creepy guy who sits and watches and makes everyone uncomfortable and they just wish he’d go away.
Being a horndog
I can get amazingly horny at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I like it, cause it means if I really want to I can just go and go and go sexually. But a lot of the time I wish it was less ridiculous. I feel like I’m some kind of awful pervert who’s way more concerned with sex than everyone else and everyone hates me for it. I just wish I could be less of a hornball all the damn time, I feel like I’d be a lot more productive if I wasn’t. Gods know I’ve tried all sorts of ways to modify my behavior though and none of it has helped, so I’m stuck with it I guess.
Making conversation
I'm terrible at talking to people. I just can't ever think of things to talk about, and usually the other person leads the conversation. I always feel like I'm boring the other person to tears or that I sound like a complete ass. I really feel bad about it cause I want to talk more with people and get to know other people better. I'm kind of worried that as much as having
l0st around has helped me meet people that I'm coming to rely on him to get me out and meeting people. I'm afraid I'm becoming dependent on him for that. 
^this
\m/
:p
*hugs* thanks hun, I know you're there for me, just my usual stupid self, you know how it goes.
I'm glad you have each other, because you're helping each other through your issues. There's nothing wrong with being open about them, since it'll help you address them better.