I really need to explain myself to a few of you. I've caused some concern on FB and twitter back on Saturday. Won't sugar coat it. I was in a very dark and scary place mentally that day. As a few of you already know, it hasn't much been a good 2013 for me aside from graduating from UGA with my Master's in Food Science and passing the Certified Food Scientist exam first time through. The last 2-3 months have been marked mostly with great frustration with a fruitless job search and a break up. This Christmas season, a time I mostly am able to always be joyful and happy no matter what the previous months have brought, was one of great pain and sorrow. So many deaths came right around Christmas. Illness also took over the entire family. The Saturday before Christmas I caught a cold that my brother had brought back with him from work. Dad would later contract the flu from physical therapy. I am thankful btw that dad is finally at the stage where he can do physical therapy. He got the flu and I picked it up just as I was about over the cold. That's what I'm suffering through now. The scariest thing though was this Saturday when after a heated arguement with my father, I went on a drive to go pick up some things and just...get away and the thought crossed my mind more than once to just wrap my car around a telephone pole and be done with all this pain and frustration. Not really sure if I particularly wanted death insomuch as I just wanted to put everything on pause. Just perhaps leave consciousness for a few days and...just escape. Of course purposely doing such an act as that with one's vehicle almost always results in death so to have that thought even cross my mind scared me. I did get my errands run and got back home safely and just broke down. I knew I had reached a very dark point in my life. Last time this happened was 2004 and like I did then, I knew I had to do more than just the mere counseling that I had been doing. I knew I'd have to go back on my meds. I had been off the Zoloft for over 6 months and for the most part I felt I was doing fine and really I was so long as I had focus. I was focused on my thesis I would be defending in July. I was also focused on that month for the trip to Chicago. So much was going on plus I had many awesome friends in Athens I could spend a great deal of time with. Now back here at home, I don't have that and the focus was being lost as my persistent job hunt continued to go nowhere. I was starting to lash out at my own family. Taking out all my frustrations on them because they were there. I've never been a patient person. That goes all the way back to when I was in the darn womb! I'm a lot like my late grandfather in a lot ways. If something went wrong though, especially many things at once, folks around me knew it. Anger and patience are things I sorely need to take control of this new year and I'm hoping that getting back on my Zoloft will help keep me more stable. Keep me from exploding with rage at the folks I care the most about. I had joked with my best friend the other day that I may as well put a wedding veil on the darn Zoloft bottle because it sure is looking like till death do us part right now:P I said that not so much out of anger but more in a somewhat half-hearted attempt to make light of the situation. I mean if I have to stay on this stuff for my whole life and it's all I ever have to take on a regular basis here on out then that's not really such a bad thing. It sure beats the alternative which I fear could ultimately lead to me harming myself or others. My biggest fear about being on this stuff again is gaining all the 20+ pounds I've managed to loose in the past 3 months. It is something that tends to happen with this particular medicine but if I stay disciplined with my better eating habits and regular workouts, I could probably still maintain a healthy weight and perhaps still even lose and additional 15-20 pounds. I probably still will be losing weight this week and the next because of this flu and how it's cut my appetite. That's pretty much how my last few days of this year have been going. Quite frankly I'm so ready for 2014. I'm ready for a new start. I don't want to say too much and jinx it but there is a strong chance I'll have employment once again with UGA's Griffin campus doing work with their FoodPIC initiative. There are 5 projects waiting to be green lighted and if they are, it'll likely happen sometime early in the new year. This would give me 6 months to a year of income that will help me save up for that wonderful day when I finally land a permanent job in my field and need to move and get settled in to wherever the road of life takes me. I have faith that all will work out in 2014 and things will greatly improve for the better. When times are tough and one is at their lowest point they feel they can go, then all that's left to begin the arduous climb back up is faith. Prayers for a blessed 2014 for all.