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About my characters and how they relate to myself
11 years ago
I was thinking about this for a while, as my 3 main cub characters all relate to myself in different ways. I've touched on the subject before with a few people, but I'll be more detailed in this journal.
Skye is basically the child I wish I was who has the childhood I never had. He's liked by his peers and by adults, he's not the most popular kid, but no one really hates him. He's teased sometimes, as most kids are, but never bullied like I was. Because he's not being harassed and mistreated daily, he has his chance to shine in school where it was quickly seen and tested that he had a very high IQ. His parents fostered that strength and allowed him to go to a school for gifted children, and allowed him to explore whatever his heart desires. His parents are very supportive, of course he gets in trouble sometimes as all kids his age do, but they make sure he knows they love him, and they are encouraging and help him with homework and whatever he needs. His family isn't super rich, but they have enough money to live comfortably and them some. He has no developmental or psychological disorders, and while he's shy, he's not afraid of other people. He experiences emotion like a regular child his age, though he rarely cries, and has a few friends which his parents set up playdates with.
Lizzie is closer to my own childhood, but a much idealized version of it. As she is younger than Skye, she has yet to experience the pain that school can bring. As for her family situation, I haven't decided what to go with exactly, but either death or divorce in regards to her father. Her mother has a few psychological issues and with that combined with her job taking up most of her life, she is either left at a daycare or watched by her uncle, who has drinking problems. Her mother loves her very much, but she's just simply often not there. Still, she loves her mother and is very attached to her. Because of her odd situation, she has almost no experience in socializing with other children, and has trouble dealing with other adults that aren't her mother, that also goes for her uncle. She's also lacking in various skills that she should have by her age, and she doesn't talk much, except to her stuffed animals, especially Ruxie. Because she's so young though, she doesn't realize how serious her situation is, and she loves playing outside and experiencing new stimuli, as long as it's quiet.
Alexander is a literal representation of my childhood. At 6 years old he had been through so much that he already has serious issues with depression and anxiety, and he is also autistic. In addition, he doesn't fit standard gender roles, causing even further bullying. He often has mental breakdowns due to the severe bullying he experiences from both his peers and his teachers, getting him in further trouble as the adults all think he's just doing it for attention. Calls home are frequent, where his story again is not believed and he is again punished. He is often blamed for things that he didn't do, often things that other kids did, but no one believes him, and the entire school thinks he's a liar. He cries several times daily. All he wants is to be left alone, but he never gets solace except at home where he spends almost the entirety of it in his room. Both his parents drink and smoke, and his father does drugs, and they often invite strangers over to the house and blast loud music. His family is incredibly poor, leading to even further bullying because they can not afford required items for events like beanie baby day. He's never had a single friend. Pokemon is the sole thing that makes him happy (this is the only thing that isn't 100% accurate, because Pokemon didn't exist in America when I was 6) and even at his age, he is frequently contemplating both mass murder and suicide. No one has yet to help him, and he is only continually punished for his problems. This treatment by his teachers and peers started when he entered pre-school, and won't end until he's in high school, which by that time he is such a broken mess that he literally refuses to speak and becomes incapable of showing any sort of emotion.
Skye is basically the child I wish I was who has the childhood I never had. He's liked by his peers and by adults, he's not the most popular kid, but no one really hates him. He's teased sometimes, as most kids are, but never bullied like I was. Because he's not being harassed and mistreated daily, he has his chance to shine in school where it was quickly seen and tested that he had a very high IQ. His parents fostered that strength and allowed him to go to a school for gifted children, and allowed him to explore whatever his heart desires. His parents are very supportive, of course he gets in trouble sometimes as all kids his age do, but they make sure he knows they love him, and they are encouraging and help him with homework and whatever he needs. His family isn't super rich, but they have enough money to live comfortably and them some. He has no developmental or psychological disorders, and while he's shy, he's not afraid of other people. He experiences emotion like a regular child his age, though he rarely cries, and has a few friends which his parents set up playdates with.
Lizzie is closer to my own childhood, but a much idealized version of it. As she is younger than Skye, she has yet to experience the pain that school can bring. As for her family situation, I haven't decided what to go with exactly, but either death or divorce in regards to her father. Her mother has a few psychological issues and with that combined with her job taking up most of her life, she is either left at a daycare or watched by her uncle, who has drinking problems. Her mother loves her very much, but she's just simply often not there. Still, she loves her mother and is very attached to her. Because of her odd situation, she has almost no experience in socializing with other children, and has trouble dealing with other adults that aren't her mother, that also goes for her uncle. She's also lacking in various skills that she should have by her age, and she doesn't talk much, except to her stuffed animals, especially Ruxie. Because she's so young though, she doesn't realize how serious her situation is, and she loves playing outside and experiencing new stimuli, as long as it's quiet.
Alexander is a literal representation of my childhood. At 6 years old he had been through so much that he already has serious issues with depression and anxiety, and he is also autistic. In addition, he doesn't fit standard gender roles, causing even further bullying. He often has mental breakdowns due to the severe bullying he experiences from both his peers and his teachers, getting him in further trouble as the adults all think he's just doing it for attention. Calls home are frequent, where his story again is not believed and he is again punished. He is often blamed for things that he didn't do, often things that other kids did, but no one believes him, and the entire school thinks he's a liar. He cries several times daily. All he wants is to be left alone, but he never gets solace except at home where he spends almost the entirety of it in his room. Both his parents drink and smoke, and his father does drugs, and they often invite strangers over to the house and blast loud music. His family is incredibly poor, leading to even further bullying because they can not afford required items for events like beanie baby day. He's never had a single friend. Pokemon is the sole thing that makes him happy (this is the only thing that isn't 100% accurate, because Pokemon didn't exist in America when I was 6) and even at his age, he is frequently contemplating both mass murder and suicide. No one has yet to help him, and he is only continually punished for his problems. This treatment by his teachers and peers started when he entered pre-school, and won't end until he's in high school, which by that time he is such a broken mess that he literally refuses to speak and becomes incapable of showing any sort of emotion.
I imagine writing Alexander wasn't easy. You get a lot of praise from me for having done so. That's not stuff that is easily brought out of the mind without some sort of mental trauma to go with it for the given moment. Points to you and your bravery, Skye.
And Alexander is basically a form of self therapy for me. To deal with what happened to me without it actually being "me" it happened to when I think about those things, actually helps with processing them and dealing with the trauma. It's also very hard for me to talk about these things in great detail, but if I say they happened to a fictional character, it's a lot easier to do so. Writing it out did bring up a lot of unpleasant memories and had me upset for a while, but the fact that I could do it at all is improvement.
And, yes, I would say it is a great improvement to be able to write about Alexander. It shows you are growing stronger mentally and emotionally. Those are your strongest aspects about you. So, I hope you continue to find ways to cope with the past through using Alexander as your vehicle.
Yosh has played two roles for me. One is being the "Me without bad eyes" and also a "What if this happened instead?"
I have learned a lot about myself through writing various works here, sharing stories with close friends, like yourself, and simply journaling.
My emotions have been in massive fluctuation for awhile now. However, I am working to regain control. The fact that, like you, I don't give up is what matters. :)