Many people have asked me for my secret martini recipe. Well... No one has, really; unless spitting it out and proclaiming "what the hell is this shit?" counts. Nevertheless.

Let me say that I really don't like gin. Tastes like chewing on a juniper bush. But I've been completely gay for martinis for some time. So... Quite simply, it's 2 parts gin to 1 part sweet vermouth. Shake with ice and strain into glass. Don't give me that bruising-the-gin bullshit, I want the ice to blunt the gin. And no froo-froo martini glasses either; they don't hold a double without slopping about. Since I'm not a gin fan to begin with, I'm just sticking with Beefeater. I've had expensive gins, and I felt like I'd drank the better half of a botanical garden.

Garnish with something spicy. NO EXCUSES! 3 jalapeño stuffed olives is a nice start. Or a spicy Claussen pickle. Or a whole pickled jalapeño, if you're feeling cocky.

Needless to say, I wouldn't have written this without the influence of a couple of doubles. *hic*