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Yup, it's time for another journal
11 years ago
I realize that most of the journals i post are sad or depressing or whatever, but really this is the only place i post that i can be me. And most of the time, i'm not a happy person. This weekend was great, i got to see my cousin and my little second cousins, i got to spend time with family and let out some aggression. It was for the most part a great time. Then my family left and i was left at home with my mother, brother, his crazy pregnant girlfriend, and her children. It was hellish to say the least. Mother was spazzing because the house was a mess, Brother was irritated because of the baby shower and how the kids were acting at the shower, Crazy Pregers was being a bitch like usual...and the kids, well lets just say that they were their usual loud violent selves.
So there I sit after watching my family leave and i start hearing yelling and fighting and i was just tired of it after only 5 minutes. Then again what do you expect when you deal with it on a daily basis. I texted a friend and left the house. It was nice to be away. It was nice to not have to hear about how much everyone's lives sucked. And when i get back home, everyone is asleep and i can breath, for a little while at least.
The next 2 days i spend in my room, nothing making me happy. When someone would come to try and talk to me, just the sound of their voice bugged me. The way they stood in the doorway made me want to punch them in the throat. Its not health how violent i've become over the past 2 years. I need to change something in my life.
So i've been thinking more and more about the offer my cousin gave me while she was visiting. She asked if i would want to become her Live-in-Nanny. She has 4 of the cutest girls i've ever met and she is planning to move south with them in the up coming year. I would be getting paid, i would be getting a car, i would be away from the people i live with now, and i would be some place warm. I had yet to think of a bad thing about her offer.
Then i started to think about what i would be giving up here, my mom (as much as i complain about her i would miss her), my niece (that should be here any day now), my friends that i've grown extremely close too over the years, and the comfort of knowing that when i fall on my face i will have someone on my team to help me back up.
Moving and living someplace else sounds like a great idea, but when i think about the details of it all. I would have to pay my own insurance on the car i would be getting gifted to me. I would have to find a time to maybe get a 'real' job. something that would get me benefits and what not. But if i do that then i would have to work nights/evenings when my cousin got home, only to get up and get the girls off to school and watch the little one and do dishes and laundry and such all day. then turn around and go back into work. Working for family can get to be crazy, i'm a push over as well so that doesn't help and its crazy to think about. I just...i don't know what to do and depending on who i talk too i feel one way about it and if i talk to someone else about it i feel a different way.
I don't know what to do about any of this. And i'm getting tired of trying to figure it out. Life's not easy, but why does it have to be so hard?
^^ You know you have me and the girls here to have your back always. I will tell you this though: Do what you want to do, not what you feel obligated to do. If you think you'd have a better time with your aunt and it's what you want, go for it! You know we all want what's best for you. <3 We can always visit you, you know! Keep your chin up and try not to let life get you down too much, dearie.
Love you lots~