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well my 2014 sucks
11 years ago
I was 9 years old the first time depression hit me. It took years before I was finally able to get to a point where I was really happy. Since then I have had relapses where i feel like I will never feel better again, but not like this year. Over the past 8 months I have lost so much I don't know what to do with myself anymore. To start I lost my dream job and business all in the same day. In march there was a fire in one of the other offices that structurally destroyed my office. What makes is worse is that no charges were laid on the person who caused it even though it was neglect on their part that almost killed 3 people. in fact what hurts the most is the owner got a benefit for his loss and the rest of us got stuck fighting with our service providers so they would stop charging us for services they were not providing.
My next big loss came in June I lost my home. My parents are getting divorced, and it seems I am left being the shoulder everyone needs to cry on. Now my childhood home a safe place for me is gone, and I find myself alone in one of my darkest hours.
Next comes my hunt for a job. I have been looking for anything yet it seems I never get an interview, never get a chance to show that I can do the work. It has been really hard to see myself as anything good when no one wants to even give me a chance at a job.
Lately I even feel like my friends are drifting a way from me some claiming I have a negative attitude, others just are drifting. I got another roommate and to be truthful now when I am home I feel more alone then ever. This really feeds my dark thoughts.
In the end what is really hurting me the most is that every time something good happens to me it has to be ripped away. It just hurts so much when the simplest thing I want is apparently way to much for me to ask for. All I really want is to be happy but everyone else seems to think differently. I try and try to help people to make myself feel better, but every time it seems what I am doing is not good enough. It would be nice if I had someone believe in me so maybe I can once again believe in myself.
My next big loss came in June I lost my home. My parents are getting divorced, and it seems I am left being the shoulder everyone needs to cry on. Now my childhood home a safe place for me is gone, and I find myself alone in one of my darkest hours.
Next comes my hunt for a job. I have been looking for anything yet it seems I never get an interview, never get a chance to show that I can do the work. It has been really hard to see myself as anything good when no one wants to even give me a chance at a job.
Lately I even feel like my friends are drifting a way from me some claiming I have a negative attitude, others just are drifting. I got another roommate and to be truthful now when I am home I feel more alone then ever. This really feeds my dark thoughts.
In the end what is really hurting me the most is that every time something good happens to me it has to be ripped away. It just hurts so much when the simplest thing I want is apparently way to much for me to ask for. All I really want is to be happy but everyone else seems to think differently. I try and try to help people to make myself feel better, but every time it seems what I am doing is not good enough. It would be nice if I had someone believe in me so maybe I can once again believe in myself.
My "family home" died when my dad died. I had no home to go back to since I was 13 years old. I've gone thru a lot of what you're currently going thru, and some of it still keeps creeping up, especially the friendship-abandonment, people drifting away, people saying I have a bad attitude etc.
Wish I could say it gets easier, but it's something I know you don't want to hear right now, because you are feeling so low, "gets easier" is just wishful thinking and a fantasy dream at this point in time. 20 years from now, you'll feel differently, but some things will always seem to be around.
All I can really say is do the best you can with what little you have. Maybe take on some personal projects, private photo shoots, have a table at the flea market with some baked goods and other things you can easily make. One step at a time. The road to happiness is full of potholes, cracks, bumps, and angry people. Just a matter of trying to plot a course that does the least amount of damage.
Really sorry to hear about the parents. :(
*HUGS*