Is this a side-fic of Fall of Equestria or is this a new universe along those lines? I'm already familiar with the former.

Completely unrelated. Though, I really do need to read some FoE.

For all that I despise it, and I've unloaded an ocean of words to that effect, I'm entirely certain you'll love it. Plus the artwork that is tagged on Derpibooru. All that would be well within your wheelhouse.

So I've heard! You'd probably like NEO even less then ;)~

If it's based on your commissions then meh, these things happen. Nothing will ever top my friend Bronystories' "120 Days of Blueblood" so my only objection tends to be one of scale and plotting. I am only viscious to the impersonal, and cruel to the relenetlessly silly. And from an outside perspective all hard sadism is "Buddha laughing at the world" funny. It's so grim, so serious, it's literally funny. Sure, I have non-hilarious responses to Fall, but NEO just makes me smirk. Plus the commissions have some nice features like big breasts and generous figures devoid of context.

In general, I think you're a good (wo)man, Jewel Brown.

I am a strong womyn.

And that is a wonderful thing.

I wonder if the W.O.M.B. Organization is some kind of inter-universal conglomerate. Like, it transcends alternate universes. :O

NEO is basically WOMB in Equestria!

NEO confirmed for collusion with inter-dimensional W.O.M.B. Force :P

Ooh, so will you try and add to this regularly? And if not will you be putting up a journal when you get a new one up?

Yeah I'm planning on writing another chapter soon :) And I'll post here when they go up. Fimficition has a nice watch feature but you need an account for that.

Glad to hear there are more chapters of this coming! Although, I was surprised you didn't take this to the extent of most of your works - I was expecting something darker. In the least I expected that balloon to pop! I wonder if you're building up to more intense things in future chapters? Regardless, this was a well-written and well-executed story.

One thing you did particularly well was Pinkie's personality. Right from her introduction onward you captured her character well in both her dialog and her actions. Using the aforementioned balloon was a nice touch since that definitely seems like something Pinkie Pie would do!

Another aspect you handled well was the sex scene. The pacing was well-done so that the action flowed well. In addition, you used good visuals throughout the scene, like Pinkie Pie's reaction after reaching between Tala's legs and her use of the filled balloon (both of which were fitting for her personality again). It's great that you had such attention to detail you even included things like the balloon having the "PARTY HARDY!" text. However, one thing it would have been great to see more of were non-visual details like sound, scent, feel, etc.

Speaking of details, you did a good job with word choice for details and descriptions especially from Tala's perspective. Descriptions like "monster cock" fit well with the story's tone, and the use of slang like "gonna nut" and "dump her load" similarly emphasize that feel. The same goes for your choice of action verbs, the obvious being the emphasis on "rape" but there's also some more subtle good choices like the use of "bore deeper." Pinkie's reactions to those actions throughout the scene were well-done, though it would be great to see more description of the physical impact on her body.

Lastly, nice work with the conclusion. Pinkie's response paragraph with the lines about when it hurt and the line "You're bigger than Big Mac!" was great for her character and good for the comparison as well - those kind of comparisons are great for showing how a character is outside the norm. I think you setup for the next chapter well in the last paragraph too.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your work! Definitely looking forward to seeing more from you!