FA+
Shop
the story .. and follow up for those who wants to know
11 years ago
SO .. due to my last post. I've received more pokes from "strangers and random watchers" then from friends and loved ones so for those who wonders here's the story with the latest heads up .. and it's somewhat therapeutic to say that out loud ... even if it hurts to have more feedback from strangers then those involved
i'm still alive for now.
Had a meeting with a social worker, .. will have a follow up every week for 10 weeks.
unfortunately,they can't fill up insurance papers so i'll have to go to the emergency clinic anyways to get that filled, so still no $ for a lil while.
debts currently at 41k $ and going up ...
tried to get room mates to help out with bill ... first one was a prostitute that brought work home and still owes me 2k for unpaid rent and food and all
second owes me 200$
so roomies ends up costing money rather then helping ... so i'd rather wait for a stable boyfriend ...
Love life is still a pain tho, since i just learned that someone i love dearly spreads rumors about me and keeps telling every single error i ever did to everyone ... so he doesn't speak about anything good i did .
He doesn't talk about the fact that i was there for him when his couple was going rough and i kept trying to have him fix things even tho i had feelings for him.
He doesn't talk about the fact that he cheated on me the same week we got out STD test results. .. actually he cheated on me twice .. the second time he broke up with me as my birthday gift ...
He doesn't talk about the fact that when he had a breakdown while dog sitting at one of his friends place at 3am he called me to come over and i was there for him ... but because i refused to have makeup sex at his friends place he kicked me out once he was ok ...
He doesn't talk about the fact that i'm there for lifts and stuff at a moments notice.
he doesn't tell people i went with him when he needed to go to the hospital for his follow ups even tho i HATE HOSPITALS. it freaks me out ...
no ... none of that is said and needs to been done in secret since his friends don't like me .... i fought so much for the guy, to prove him i'm serious committed and love him ... but to know that i'm considered a monster because i try to see him and get us to work and that makes me a bad person .... that's all he talks about with people and it drives me nuts ... and no matter if i want to talk about it with him i receive the cold shoulder , the "i don't want to talk about it " speech or he plainly run away and ignores me for a couple of weeks / months before coming back saying he does care but that he's afraid and it's complicated ... which drives me completely insane.... the more he ignores me .. the more i try to get to know why and wanna talk about our issues ...and the more he'll ignore me ... my only "possible actions " would be to go against my feelings and let go, give him space and try to get him to open up rather then be direct and to the point ... but in my book that would be manipulation ... to change my ways of doing things in order to get the results i want ... that's just out of the question .. no way will i start manipulating things when that's what everyone tries to plant in his head ...
And that's not even a relationship ... since he's obviously not interested i kept looking ...
so i'm in a long distance relationship for a year actually now ... wow .. and .. well we don't even talk anymore to the point that i wonder if it still is a relationship ... the guy is SUPER sweet ... but ... not being local doesn't help ...
Socially: the English furry fandom of the region seems to have all been rallied up against me by him so ... that's out .. i even received some hate e-mails from people i don't even know saying they did talk with him etc. ..
the few with whom i could still be friends i've hurted in various ways ...most of the reasons being because they're friends with " lets call him YOYO guy for keeping his identity hidden to those not already aware of us " and even tho i keep saying yes i'll be there and want to be there and tell myself i can do this even if he and his "friends that hate me " will be present and that i'll manage ... in the end i'll just go work so that i don't have to think about it even tho i'm panicking like crazy and am afraid of breakdowns or of being bullied around by his so called friends ... so yeah ... stopped talking to some furs i used to hang out with , missed a wedding, avoid meets, conventions and any large gathering of furries
however; i'm slowly picking furs that don't judge me for having breakdowns and panic attacks, and will understand if i miss an outing cause i'm curled up in a ball crying and punishing myself with a Knife and belt ...
Lost all my child hoods friends a few years back when they learned i was bi with a preference for guys so i need to rebuild my entire network
moved this summer out of the city so i'm far from any large population ... not easy
tho the moving brought me closer to my 2 best friends,
one of them moved 3 hours away to live with his BF. SUPER Happy for them ! he finally got what he wanted and worked so hard for ! but it makes seeing each other a lot trickier
2nd best friend is going through personal stuff as well and is very busy so even tho i live 20 minutes way .. we manage to see each other once every 6 month ... makes me feel kinda left out
the friendlier Coworkers all have families so that to makes it very hard to see each other
and somehow i feel left out .. as if i'm the one who always need to do the first step in order to see people ... even if they do something as a group ... i almost never get the invites because the " party is already full" ... so i just poke people around to know who's up for a tabletop gaming night to find an excuse to see people else i'll go insane ...
Familly
Brother tried to kll me a few years back because the internet went down and he was High so ...of course ... since the router was in my room must be me ... broke down my bedroom door and tried stabbing me with a ski stick .... I was lucky he missed .. he's the one that ended up at the hospital ... however since i'm the eldest i get the blame ...
always my fault ... so family is not something i'm really keen on since then ... never had an apologie either...
Work:
my work used to be vacation time for all my troubles and issues .. i just drown myself in it till i don't have the time to think about my life, tho it gave me good standing and good statistics and considered a valuable asset .... however ... workload increased by 300% overnight ... so not so much vacations anymore just draining to the point that once i got home i didn't have the energy to cope with my own life anymore ... so things started spiraling down ...
Self esteem :
all those issues takes it's toll ... the fact that i keep being told it's all my fault all the time doesn't help either and that everyone seems to went my to roll in the mud , needing to lick peoples boots to apologies for not being as good as they want or that i'm told it's " my fault" if i get cheated on, my fault if i got angry after someone wronged me and that i need to apologies to them .... i'm really tired of being a carpet for muddy boots
Sex:
bunch of pervs ... you think i'd talk about that publicly now ? that's the one part i won't talk about .... but yes .. there's a few things to list here to ....
____________
well there you have the large pictures ... my personal journal is filled with about 10X more stuff but those are the easiest to share publicly
On the + side ... my husky Yuki is doing fine and super happy that we keep having snowstorms !
The plan :
get a freaking doctor to fill out the insurance forms ...
next time i feel like cutting and punishing myself ... fill up introspection paper work for the social worker before next weeks appointment ( it's torture just the same so ...)
try to plan something for the week end so that i don't despair stuck in between 4 walls alone
i'm still alive for now.
Had a meeting with a social worker, .. will have a follow up every week for 10 weeks.
unfortunately,they can't fill up insurance papers so i'll have to go to the emergency clinic anyways to get that filled, so still no $ for a lil while.
debts currently at 41k $ and going up ...
tried to get room mates to help out with bill ... first one was a prostitute that brought work home and still owes me 2k for unpaid rent and food and all
second owes me 200$
so roomies ends up costing money rather then helping ... so i'd rather wait for a stable boyfriend ...
Love life is still a pain tho, since i just learned that someone i love dearly spreads rumors about me and keeps telling every single error i ever did to everyone ... so he doesn't speak about anything good i did .
He doesn't talk about the fact that i was there for him when his couple was going rough and i kept trying to have him fix things even tho i had feelings for him.
He doesn't talk about the fact that he cheated on me the same week we got out STD test results. .. actually he cheated on me twice .. the second time he broke up with me as my birthday gift ...
He doesn't talk about the fact that when he had a breakdown while dog sitting at one of his friends place at 3am he called me to come over and i was there for him ... but because i refused to have makeup sex at his friends place he kicked me out once he was ok ...
He doesn't talk about the fact that i'm there for lifts and stuff at a moments notice.
he doesn't tell people i went with him when he needed to go to the hospital for his follow ups even tho i HATE HOSPITALS. it freaks me out ...
no ... none of that is said and needs to been done in secret since his friends don't like me .... i fought so much for the guy, to prove him i'm serious committed and love him ... but to know that i'm considered a monster because i try to see him and get us to work and that makes me a bad person .... that's all he talks about with people and it drives me nuts ... and no matter if i want to talk about it with him i receive the cold shoulder , the "i don't want to talk about it " speech or he plainly run away and ignores me for a couple of weeks / months before coming back saying he does care but that he's afraid and it's complicated ... which drives me completely insane.... the more he ignores me .. the more i try to get to know why and wanna talk about our issues ...and the more he'll ignore me ... my only "possible actions " would be to go against my feelings and let go, give him space and try to get him to open up rather then be direct and to the point ... but in my book that would be manipulation ... to change my ways of doing things in order to get the results i want ... that's just out of the question .. no way will i start manipulating things when that's what everyone tries to plant in his head ...
And that's not even a relationship ... since he's obviously not interested i kept looking ...
so i'm in a long distance relationship for a year actually now ... wow .. and .. well we don't even talk anymore to the point that i wonder if it still is a relationship ... the guy is SUPER sweet ... but ... not being local doesn't help ...
Socially: the English furry fandom of the region seems to have all been rallied up against me by him so ... that's out .. i even received some hate e-mails from people i don't even know saying they did talk with him etc. ..
the few with whom i could still be friends i've hurted in various ways ...most of the reasons being because they're friends with " lets call him YOYO guy for keeping his identity hidden to those not already aware of us " and even tho i keep saying yes i'll be there and want to be there and tell myself i can do this even if he and his "friends that hate me " will be present and that i'll manage ... in the end i'll just go work so that i don't have to think about it even tho i'm panicking like crazy and am afraid of breakdowns or of being bullied around by his so called friends ... so yeah ... stopped talking to some furs i used to hang out with , missed a wedding, avoid meets, conventions and any large gathering of furries
however; i'm slowly picking furs that don't judge me for having breakdowns and panic attacks, and will understand if i miss an outing cause i'm curled up in a ball crying and punishing myself with a Knife and belt ...
Lost all my child hoods friends a few years back when they learned i was bi with a preference for guys so i need to rebuild my entire network
moved this summer out of the city so i'm far from any large population ... not easy
tho the moving brought me closer to my 2 best friends,
one of them moved 3 hours away to live with his BF. SUPER Happy for them ! he finally got what he wanted and worked so hard for ! but it makes seeing each other a lot trickier
2nd best friend is going through personal stuff as well and is very busy so even tho i live 20 minutes way .. we manage to see each other once every 6 month ... makes me feel kinda left out
the friendlier Coworkers all have families so that to makes it very hard to see each other
and somehow i feel left out .. as if i'm the one who always need to do the first step in order to see people ... even if they do something as a group ... i almost never get the invites because the " party is already full" ... so i just poke people around to know who's up for a tabletop gaming night to find an excuse to see people else i'll go insane ...
Familly
Brother tried to kll me a few years back because the internet went down and he was High so ...of course ... since the router was in my room must be me ... broke down my bedroom door and tried stabbing me with a ski stick .... I was lucky he missed .. he's the one that ended up at the hospital ... however since i'm the eldest i get the blame ...
always my fault ... so family is not something i'm really keen on since then ... never had an apologie either...
Work:
my work used to be vacation time for all my troubles and issues .. i just drown myself in it till i don't have the time to think about my life, tho it gave me good standing and good statistics and considered a valuable asset .... however ... workload increased by 300% overnight ... so not so much vacations anymore just draining to the point that once i got home i didn't have the energy to cope with my own life anymore ... so things started spiraling down ...
Self esteem :
all those issues takes it's toll ... the fact that i keep being told it's all my fault all the time doesn't help either and that everyone seems to went my to roll in the mud , needing to lick peoples boots to apologies for not being as good as they want or that i'm told it's " my fault" if i get cheated on, my fault if i got angry after someone wronged me and that i need to apologies to them .... i'm really tired of being a carpet for muddy boots
Sex:
bunch of pervs ... you think i'd talk about that publicly now ? that's the one part i won't talk about .... but yes .. there's a few things to list here to ....
____________
well there you have the large pictures ... my personal journal is filled with about 10X more stuff but those are the easiest to share publicly
On the + side ... my husky Yuki is doing fine and super happy that we keep having snowstorms !
The plan :
get a freaking doctor to fill out the insurance forms ...
next time i feel like cutting and punishing myself ... fill up introspection paper work for the social worker before next weeks appointment ( it's torture just the same so ...)
try to plan something for the week end so that i don't despair stuck in between 4 walls alone
insurance = done. they,re paying till feb 4th even hoi i'm on leave till march 1 ... need to make doctor refill said forms before the 4th ... again ...
been filling up the paper work every time i get up instead of cutting ... damn they ask a lot of stuff ...
ended up playing some dnd, need to try that again next week end .
new stuff:
just realised i have disability insurance on the car ... need to call those insurance see if it govers depression .. that,s still 450$ in my pockets