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I do not believe in pants. I am an apantsiest.
10 years ago
Some of you will remember my last Out of Context List: http://bjpentecost.deviantart.com/j.....ants-392859927 and you may (or may not) be glad to know that I have compiled even more topnotch what the fuckery! These are things that have been said either by me or to me by friends and family, things that I'm not even really sure make sense in context, let alone outside of context.
NSFW. If you would like to know the context behind any of these, ask and ye shall receive... but be careful what you wish for. There's a good chance you're happier not knowing. ;)
Without further adoodiness, I present.... Out of context!
~~~
Get your rifle out and aim it at my tits.
*Pulls up to drive through window, woman leans out and looks at us* do you guys have a dryer sheet in your car?
Well I'm sorry! This thing does not come with a "vagina owner's instruction manual!"
I promise, There are no furbies in my pants.
How is your face over here when your ass is over here too?
The one time I try to do something nice for you and I end up burning your dick off.
I do not believe in pants. I am an apantsiest.
Anthony Ihopkins starring in The Silence of the Pancakes.
*Said with total and complete seriousness* How much do we want to light this guy on fire?
There are many things I am certain of in this life and among them, the fact that yams do not have wheels.
You mutilate it to your specifications and I'll take whatever's left over.
As long as nobody fucks the monkeys, it shouldn't be a problem.
You're supposed to walk with you feet, not with your face.
All aboard the HMS Taco Bell, destination Toilet Town. Toot! Toot!
What are you going to do, steer with your vagina?
*Shouted with great desperation* I NEED A ZEBRA'S ASS!
Is Febreeze still Febreeze if it comes out of a cat's ass?
*Said with a totally straight face* Would we actually survive a rain of flaming testicles right now?
Fortunately for the ships, my butt-crack tends to be fairly benevolent.
How did you find so many gay squirrels in that short amount of time?
Mmm… nothing quite like waking up to the smell of buttcrack and assorted detritus jammed into a restaurant booth cushion. Check, please.
You have a kink for being stuck in a big white satellite dish with flashing light beams while wearing an eyepatch and spanking a table? That's a very specific kink. I don't know if I can help you with that one.
Dude.... we live in an age where you can Google Map the precise location of your own anus!
How would you know? Have you fucked a lot of capybaras?
That's the most musical blowjob I've ever had!
And the juicer victoriously held the flaming metal buttocks over his head.....
*A few minutes later* Sorry, I'm a little occupied at the moment. I've got a flaming, assless metal buffalo in a headlock. Can I call you back later?
Why are you honking my daughter?
Poop and forward momentum..... Three words you don't want to hear in the same sentence.
Well what do you expect!? They were just tortured by an antelope! Of course they're traumatized!
You may be strong but you are not impervious to TREES!
Ah yes. I remember it well, the great battle of Flame Crabs versus Sparkle Herpes.
Who the hell sucks on pizza? That's just.... wrong.
Q:Why are there pants in my mailbox?
A: I was mailing them to congress to express the notion that I am tired of being fucked with my pants on.
I wonder how many other people can honestly boast having fucked another dimension?
I didn't sneeze, I was trying to get rid of the submarine.
You groom me and eat my fleas and I will let you bang my ass.
IT'S LIKE EATING CHOCOLATE WITH MY SHOULDER! *rolling around on the floor*
Alright but don't start cleaning your ass in my ear, I hate when you do that.
I just used the vacuum to vacuum the vacuum in a vacuum.
When did Bilbo and Frodo stop being lesbian terrorists?
It's a little nub of minty wax… why am I reacting to it like its a penis?
Pierce his skull and drink him like a milkshake.
Fuck you, lettuce, sincerely, Bobbie Jean.
JESUS CHRIST, FLORIDA! WHAT THE !@#$%^&*!? WHY THE !@#$%^&* WOULD YOU DO THAT!? I mean really. Of all the places to put a !@#$%^&*damn snake…
My dick has heard every word you've said, FYI.
I would invite you two as witnesses but I don't want him masturbating near my wedding.
Me: So how did the bathroom get pregnant exactly?
RB: Jonathan.
Me: Ah. Yes. I now understand.
I eat rabies for breakfast.
I leave you assholes alone for like... what, two minutes? And I come back to find that you've got a goddamned gnome trapped in a fleshlight like an ice cream cone. Jesus Christ. You're like children!
Shakespearazine! Side effects may include dryness, redness, flatulence, histrionics, and involuntary iambic pentameter.
Sparkle Herpes II, the Reckoning: Itchy Blister Pants Apocalypse.
His pee smells like Spaghettios and videogames.
Boy, it's a good thing I had those ass-parachutes installed or I'd be a gonner!
Nobody forced you to pee on the evil!
Pardon me while I fart into that pumpkin over there.
It sounds like you're molesting an ostrich with jumper cables.
No. His balls would be soft like furry little gerbils.
*In the voice of a pirate* You'll just be sitting there, minding your own business, when suddenly… butt whales. No one ever sees the butt whales coming. Appear out of nowhere, they do. Butt whales… *stares grimly off into the distance*
You are using an ice pick made of iron to ironically remove a song about ice from your head.
How many hit points would a dick have?
His cock gets a damage bonus. COCKSLAP! Roll a D4+25% damage bonus.
I mean really, if you're going to assault someone with a jar of mayonnaise, you might as well go for one of the conventional targets like the head or the gut or even the ass! But the armpit!? That just makes no kind of sense.
I didn't know there was other naked flesh in the room.
To my knowledge, no one has ever been imprisoned for murdering a microwave.
Yes, I love Japanese food, especially when it's running away and screaming WE MUST FLEE THE CITY!
How many snowbirds can you fit in the head of a scud missile? I don't know but we must find out… FOR SCIENCE!
I'm more of a harpoonist myself. I've never liked diapers.
I cannot respect a thing until I have fucked it.
*shouted with great desperation* Ketchup is my life!
*shouted with great desperation* Purses are like ketchup!
Poor guy. He's suffering from Minotaur pattern baldness.
"Left butt cheek" is not a unit of measurement.
Coming! .......right in my pizza.
Gotta admire a grenade that has initiative.
I don't want to make a commitment but I don't want to not make a commitment… which may be the most noncommittal thing ever said in the history of ever.
She kept slapping him in the camera with a fish like WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!? WHY WILL YOU NOT TAKE MY OFFERING!?
It's basically global warming but with demons.
The éclairs are attacking! I knew it was them! Those bastards.
Danger is my middle name! …and Emergency Room is my last name.
Where there's three cocks, a will, and Jeff Goldblum, there's a way!
~~~
NSFW. If you would like to know the context behind any of these, ask and ye shall receive... but be careful what you wish for. There's a good chance you're happier not knowing. ;)
Without further adoodiness, I present.... Out of context!
~~~
Get your rifle out and aim it at my tits.
*Pulls up to drive through window, woman leans out and looks at us* do you guys have a dryer sheet in your car?
Well I'm sorry! This thing does not come with a "vagina owner's instruction manual!"
I promise, There are no furbies in my pants.
How is your face over here when your ass is over here too?
The one time I try to do something nice for you and I end up burning your dick off.
I do not believe in pants. I am an apantsiest.
Anthony Ihopkins starring in The Silence of the Pancakes.
*Said with total and complete seriousness* How much do we want to light this guy on fire?
There are many things I am certain of in this life and among them, the fact that yams do not have wheels.
You mutilate it to your specifications and I'll take whatever's left over.
As long as nobody fucks the monkeys, it shouldn't be a problem.
You're supposed to walk with you feet, not with your face.
All aboard the HMS Taco Bell, destination Toilet Town. Toot! Toot!
What are you going to do, steer with your vagina?
*Shouted with great desperation* I NEED A ZEBRA'S ASS!
Is Febreeze still Febreeze if it comes out of a cat's ass?
*Said with a totally straight face* Would we actually survive a rain of flaming testicles right now?
Fortunately for the ships, my butt-crack tends to be fairly benevolent.
How did you find so many gay squirrels in that short amount of time?
Mmm… nothing quite like waking up to the smell of buttcrack and assorted detritus jammed into a restaurant booth cushion. Check, please.
You have a kink for being stuck in a big white satellite dish with flashing light beams while wearing an eyepatch and spanking a table? That's a very specific kink. I don't know if I can help you with that one.
Dude.... we live in an age where you can Google Map the precise location of your own anus!
How would you know? Have you fucked a lot of capybaras?
That's the most musical blowjob I've ever had!
And the juicer victoriously held the flaming metal buttocks over his head.....
*A few minutes later* Sorry, I'm a little occupied at the moment. I've got a flaming, assless metal buffalo in a headlock. Can I call you back later?
Why are you honking my daughter?
Poop and forward momentum..... Three words you don't want to hear in the same sentence.
Well what do you expect!? They were just tortured by an antelope! Of course they're traumatized!
You may be strong but you are not impervious to TREES!
Ah yes. I remember it well, the great battle of Flame Crabs versus Sparkle Herpes.
Who the hell sucks on pizza? That's just.... wrong.
Q:Why are there pants in my mailbox?
A: I was mailing them to congress to express the notion that I am tired of being fucked with my pants on.
I wonder how many other people can honestly boast having fucked another dimension?
I didn't sneeze, I was trying to get rid of the submarine.
You groom me and eat my fleas and I will let you bang my ass.
IT'S LIKE EATING CHOCOLATE WITH MY SHOULDER! *rolling around on the floor*
Alright but don't start cleaning your ass in my ear, I hate when you do that.
I just used the vacuum to vacuum the vacuum in a vacuum.
When did Bilbo and Frodo stop being lesbian terrorists?
It's a little nub of minty wax… why am I reacting to it like its a penis?
Pierce his skull and drink him like a milkshake.
Fuck you, lettuce, sincerely, Bobbie Jean.
JESUS CHRIST, FLORIDA! WHAT THE !@#$%^&*!? WHY THE !@#$%^&* WOULD YOU DO THAT!? I mean really. Of all the places to put a !@#$%^&*damn snake…
My dick has heard every word you've said, FYI.
I would invite you two as witnesses but I don't want him masturbating near my wedding.
Me: So how did the bathroom get pregnant exactly?
RB: Jonathan.
Me: Ah. Yes. I now understand.
I eat rabies for breakfast.
I leave you assholes alone for like... what, two minutes? And I come back to find that you've got a goddamned gnome trapped in a fleshlight like an ice cream cone. Jesus Christ. You're like children!
Shakespearazine! Side effects may include dryness, redness, flatulence, histrionics, and involuntary iambic pentameter.
Sparkle Herpes II, the Reckoning: Itchy Blister Pants Apocalypse.
His pee smells like Spaghettios and videogames.
Boy, it's a good thing I had those ass-parachutes installed or I'd be a gonner!
Nobody forced you to pee on the evil!
Pardon me while I fart into that pumpkin over there.
It sounds like you're molesting an ostrich with jumper cables.
No. His balls would be soft like furry little gerbils.
*In the voice of a pirate* You'll just be sitting there, minding your own business, when suddenly… butt whales. No one ever sees the butt whales coming. Appear out of nowhere, they do. Butt whales… *stares grimly off into the distance*
You are using an ice pick made of iron to ironically remove a song about ice from your head.
How many hit points would a dick have?
His cock gets a damage bonus. COCKSLAP! Roll a D4+25% damage bonus.
I mean really, if you're going to assault someone with a jar of mayonnaise, you might as well go for one of the conventional targets like the head or the gut or even the ass! But the armpit!? That just makes no kind of sense.
I didn't know there was other naked flesh in the room.
To my knowledge, no one has ever been imprisoned for murdering a microwave.
Yes, I love Japanese food, especially when it's running away and screaming WE MUST FLEE THE CITY!
How many snowbirds can you fit in the head of a scud missile? I don't know but we must find out… FOR SCIENCE!
I'm more of a harpoonist myself. I've never liked diapers.
I cannot respect a thing until I have fucked it.
*shouted with great desperation* Ketchup is my life!
*shouted with great desperation* Purses are like ketchup!
Poor guy. He's suffering from Minotaur pattern baldness.
"Left butt cheek" is not a unit of measurement.
Coming! .......right in my pizza.
Gotta admire a grenade that has initiative.
I don't want to make a commitment but I don't want to not make a commitment… which may be the most noncommittal thing ever said in the history of ever.
She kept slapping him in the camera with a fish like WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!? WHY WILL YOU NOT TAKE MY OFFERING!?
It's basically global warming but with demons.
The éclairs are attacking! I knew it was them! Those bastards.
Danger is my middle name! …and Emergency Room is my last name.
Where there's three cocks, a will, and Jeff Goldblum, there's a way!
~~~
...yes you can consider this a pre-order.
Me on the right. You on the left.
So there!
- I understand. I feel that way on a daily basis!
"Our mission is to go bomb a puppy factory so that orphans will stop being brainwashed by the spies. Alright, i'll go blow up the orphanage to cull pre-brainwashed batman wannabees"
Somehow, this got Tijuana Taxi stuck in my head.