I will be working my way through past commissions in a 16h-day no-break way.

I have been planning to do this for a while, but honestly i was very scared.
I wanted to start in early january, but i kept coming up with excuses to delay it
last time i did something similar was in 2012; i finished my once lost thesis work of 7+ months in 1 only; i ended up with a heart attack; then insomnia, paranoia, anxiety, panic attacks and nightmares for years. that was however a 20-hour workshift for every single day, with only resting on my 16 hour travel time on every weekend.

but i know i have to do it; my backlog is at best stagnating. it's improvement from constant growing but it's still not progressing anywhere.
it might sound crazy and insane; but it has been over 2 years since I'm stuck with this backlog; in this two years i lost everything that was once me; i hate myself more than anything at this point; and i honestly don't know how long i can keep up with this anymore. those nightmares and anxiety has come back anyway.

i might not answer to notes or comments immediately, please forgive for that. i will always answer to commission related or important messages of course. i will be completely offline from Skype or any other personal channel.

i took up all commissions only to survive and therefore i don't have any saved up money; i might have to take on some smaller commissions in the meanwhile because of that.


i just hope i can do it. if i can't i will truly loose hope in myself. i know i have failed on so many levels already.
i can't even understand how can everyone still be so nice to me, or how can i make up for all this.

anyway, tonight i'm gonna drink all i have (that's a whole can of beer!), and in the next morning, big dive!

(and just a reminder that i bash myself and i'm dark and depressed and whatever people call me; i'm not suicidal or self-harming in any way, please do not worry or message me about that.)