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Life update and moving forwards (sorta?)
9 years ago
So, this journal is going to come to you in two parts. The first part will be a general life update on what has been going on with me recently in the past little bit. And the second, well.... it's more of a rambly, kinda whiny introspective journey through my life and what's ahead of me.
Part 1: Life Update
As some of you may know (my twitter/FBA friends), I recently graduated from university! I graduated with a Bachelor's of Science, with a double major in Biology and Indigenous Studies (study of Native Americans, though the course mostly focused on general overviews of many and more detailed information about the Ojibwe, since they are the group local to the school, and the heritage of most of the professors) from Laurentian University.
I was among the first few to graduate in the ceremony, so I had to sit there through the rest of the boring ceremony for the remainder of it. I was just happy to get it done and over with and have my degree. Went out for lunch with my bro (who also graduated), my mum, dad, nan, and sister, and then drove all the way back home.
Otherwise, life has been pretty..... boring and ordinary. Still looking for a job. Still unsuccessful. Still in this boring little tiny town with very few jobs and lots of people looking for them. And it doesn't help that I kinda burnt my bridges with the only place in town that is consistently hiring (soooooo much turnover due to horrible management, which is why I quit. LONG story.)
And.... that kinda leads into part 2. So, warning right now: if you don't want to read a pretty whiny, rambling thing, feel free to skip the rest of this journal.
Part 2: Moving Forwards?
So, every so often I kinda go through random nights where I can't stop thinking about everything I would have loved to do in life. All my hobbies, all my interests, etc, stuff that has never panned out. I ended up venting to a friend about it all, but it still kinda stuck with me this time, so I kinda felt like just putting it all out there, just venting to the world, so to say.
In short, it kinda comes down to the fact that when I look back on it, all my interests, all the things I would have loved to do with my life.... I either gave up on them, or realized that I would never be able to do them. So... lets just go through them in order, shall we?
The other night's introspection was actually kinda brought on by something, though I didn't really notice it at the time. An acquaintance had done some voice work for Team Four Star in DBZ Abridged a while back, and the episode came on at random late in the evening, and I guess it kinda got me thinking, so let's start there.
Voice acting. As a kid, I was in love with the concept. I actually used to really like my voice. It was a fair bit higher, and I actually used to have a pretty decent singing voice, being one of the people that got solos and such in my elementary school's choir. I had a good range from high to low.
And then I hit puberty.
My range shrank dramatically. And when I started to hear my voice recorded again, I hated it. It's just this super plain, often kinda scratchy voice. I can't pitch my voice up at all without cracking, and trying to shift my voice deeper just sounds SUPER forced. If you want to hear what I mean, just look here: (http://www.furaffinity.net/view/13927108/). I seriously don't know why I haven't deleted that, I hate it so much. But, yeah, I can't do jack shit with my voice, can't change it at all, which is kinda a skill needed for good voice acting.
I've had a few people say things like that my voice is cute, or that there are quite a few voice actors who make their living off of just one voice, but... I mean, come on. My voice is kinda crap. I can't think of a single character or situation where my voice really fits the bill.
And even if I COULD do anything with my voice? I wouldn't even bloody know where to begin, how to get started. Not to mention the fact that voice over work is kinda a closely knit field that is super hard to break into.
And as ANOTHER field that's super hard to break into: youtubing. I'd wanted to do it for years. But.... I just can't. I get in front of a camera and I just freeze up. Trying to do live commentary over a game? Nope. Turns out I can't bloody think quickly at ALL, so I end up sitting in silence as I game. Recording and trying to do a script over it? Nope, can't write a bloody script that's entertaining at all. And then a friend gets into it, and he's awesome. He's a natural in front of the camera, is great at thinking on his feet, a natural performer. And I know he did theatre all through school, I know he has the background in it, but that doesn't make it any less jealousy-inducing, even though I am seriously happy for him and his ability to do it.
And writing. Well, you've all seen my writing on here. My writing is, in the end, kinda mediocre. My best skill is in character creation, and even then. I am horrible at developing plot lines. If I'm even able to come up with one it is so filled with tropes and stereotypes, or so derivative that it's just kinda pointless. Let alone trying to build a world. I've tried, I just.... can't. As much as I'd love to write a novel some day, I'm pretty sure that I'd be incapable of it, with my inability to think up plots or worlds.
And, well my art. I'd LOVE to make a living off my art. I took art ALL through high school. But only as an elective. I was SOOOOOOO certain that I was going to go into video game design for that first year, and then into Zoology for the next three years. And I have reasons to believe why i thought that (bullying all through elementary and high school made me believe I hated people and just wanted to work with animals. Turns out, I just have a lot of built up anger and social anxiety, and I actually do love people, just not under all circumstances, and working without people would be super lonely). But in the end, I treated art, a thing I loved, as a hobby. And, yeah, I did manage to do some commissions recently. But, really, they aren't exactly that good, and all came from good friends just wanting to support me.
Actually making a living off my art is years off, at the very least, if ever. And in the meantime..... well... let's just keep going.
Tying back into youtube and cameras, I can't bloody act. I love the feeling of the theatre. I enjoy the concept of acting, of getting into a role that I am not, etc. However.... I can't memorize. I never have been able to. No matter how many times I sit down and read a script, in my head or out loud, or even while blocking it out.... it never sticks. There's a reason why in the last two local theatre things I did in high school, I ended up with either off-stage voice roles, or roles with no lines.
I can't play music. I mean, well, I can, but not in any meaningful way. I know HOW to play the piano. I can read the sheet music, and I know the keys, but I lack the ability to do both at once. If I'm reading the sheet music, I lose track of my fingers, and if I'm looking at my fingers, i forget the upcoming notes.
And there's so many other things that I LOVE doing, but don't have the capability to do in any meaningful way. I guess, in the end, I'm a bit of a jack of all trades. And growing up, I had always been told that was a good thing, it let you have options, to adapt. But.... that's not true anymore. Nowadays, unless you have lots of skill in one or two things, you just can't compete into the fields in a way to make an income. There are only so many opportunities, and yet an ever growing crowd of people fighting for them. By being 'okay' in everything, I don't have the skills to actually compete for anything.
And lets not even get started on my complicated feelings in regards to my love life (or lack thereof).
Which leaves me just feeling.... a bit lost. Like, what am I going to bloody do with my life? Am I going to end up stuck in this tiny ass town, just always either looking for work, or living off of, like, a minimum wage retail job for the rest of my life? I look at all the 50, 60 year old people in my town, them having been working in these stores for 20, 30 years, and barely making more than minimum wage. Working 40-50 hour weeks at these places making like $13/hour, and mostly content with it because it's all they've ever done, and what else are they going to do in a small town like Dunnville?
I look at them and all I can think is that, most likely, I'm going to end up like them, having lived in this small town my entire life, working a retail job that I hate, and doing nothing of significance.
And really, I don't know what to do about that. I just really don't know.
If you read this far, thank you. I really do appreciate you taking the time to read my rambling rant about my life. I'm sorry that you forced yourself through that.
Part 1: Life Update
As some of you may know (my twitter/FBA friends), I recently graduated from university! I graduated with a Bachelor's of Science, with a double major in Biology and Indigenous Studies (study of Native Americans, though the course mostly focused on general overviews of many and more detailed information about the Ojibwe, since they are the group local to the school, and the heritage of most of the professors) from Laurentian University.
I was among the first few to graduate in the ceremony, so I had to sit there through the rest of the boring ceremony for the remainder of it. I was just happy to get it done and over with and have my degree. Went out for lunch with my bro (who also graduated), my mum, dad, nan, and sister, and then drove all the way back home.
Otherwise, life has been pretty..... boring and ordinary. Still looking for a job. Still unsuccessful. Still in this boring little tiny town with very few jobs and lots of people looking for them. And it doesn't help that I kinda burnt my bridges with the only place in town that is consistently hiring (soooooo much turnover due to horrible management, which is why I quit. LONG story.)
And.... that kinda leads into part 2. So, warning right now: if you don't want to read a pretty whiny, rambling thing, feel free to skip the rest of this journal.
Part 2: Moving Forwards?
So, every so often I kinda go through random nights where I can't stop thinking about everything I would have loved to do in life. All my hobbies, all my interests, etc, stuff that has never panned out. I ended up venting to a friend about it all, but it still kinda stuck with me this time, so I kinda felt like just putting it all out there, just venting to the world, so to say.
In short, it kinda comes down to the fact that when I look back on it, all my interests, all the things I would have loved to do with my life.... I either gave up on them, or realized that I would never be able to do them. So... lets just go through them in order, shall we?
The other night's introspection was actually kinda brought on by something, though I didn't really notice it at the time. An acquaintance had done some voice work for Team Four Star in DBZ Abridged a while back, and the episode came on at random late in the evening, and I guess it kinda got me thinking, so let's start there.
Voice acting. As a kid, I was in love with the concept. I actually used to really like my voice. It was a fair bit higher, and I actually used to have a pretty decent singing voice, being one of the people that got solos and such in my elementary school's choir. I had a good range from high to low.
And then I hit puberty.
My range shrank dramatically. And when I started to hear my voice recorded again, I hated it. It's just this super plain, often kinda scratchy voice. I can't pitch my voice up at all without cracking, and trying to shift my voice deeper just sounds SUPER forced. If you want to hear what I mean, just look here: (http://www.furaffinity.net/view/13927108/). I seriously don't know why I haven't deleted that, I hate it so much. But, yeah, I can't do jack shit with my voice, can't change it at all, which is kinda a skill needed for good voice acting.
I've had a few people say things like that my voice is cute, or that there are quite a few voice actors who make their living off of just one voice, but... I mean, come on. My voice is kinda crap. I can't think of a single character or situation where my voice really fits the bill.
And even if I COULD do anything with my voice? I wouldn't even bloody know where to begin, how to get started. Not to mention the fact that voice over work is kinda a closely knit field that is super hard to break into.
And as ANOTHER field that's super hard to break into: youtubing. I'd wanted to do it for years. But.... I just can't. I get in front of a camera and I just freeze up. Trying to do live commentary over a game? Nope. Turns out I can't bloody think quickly at ALL, so I end up sitting in silence as I game. Recording and trying to do a script over it? Nope, can't write a bloody script that's entertaining at all. And then a friend gets into it, and he's awesome. He's a natural in front of the camera, is great at thinking on his feet, a natural performer. And I know he did theatre all through school, I know he has the background in it, but that doesn't make it any less jealousy-inducing, even though I am seriously happy for him and his ability to do it.
And writing. Well, you've all seen my writing on here. My writing is, in the end, kinda mediocre. My best skill is in character creation, and even then. I am horrible at developing plot lines. If I'm even able to come up with one it is so filled with tropes and stereotypes, or so derivative that it's just kinda pointless. Let alone trying to build a world. I've tried, I just.... can't. As much as I'd love to write a novel some day, I'm pretty sure that I'd be incapable of it, with my inability to think up plots or worlds.
And, well my art. I'd LOVE to make a living off my art. I took art ALL through high school. But only as an elective. I was SOOOOOOO certain that I was going to go into video game design for that first year, and then into Zoology for the next three years. And I have reasons to believe why i thought that (bullying all through elementary and high school made me believe I hated people and just wanted to work with animals. Turns out, I just have a lot of built up anger and social anxiety, and I actually do love people, just not under all circumstances, and working without people would be super lonely). But in the end, I treated art, a thing I loved, as a hobby. And, yeah, I did manage to do some commissions recently. But, really, they aren't exactly that good, and all came from good friends just wanting to support me.
Actually making a living off my art is years off, at the very least, if ever. And in the meantime..... well... let's just keep going.
Tying back into youtube and cameras, I can't bloody act. I love the feeling of the theatre. I enjoy the concept of acting, of getting into a role that I am not, etc. However.... I can't memorize. I never have been able to. No matter how many times I sit down and read a script, in my head or out loud, or even while blocking it out.... it never sticks. There's a reason why in the last two local theatre things I did in high school, I ended up with either off-stage voice roles, or roles with no lines.
I can't play music. I mean, well, I can, but not in any meaningful way. I know HOW to play the piano. I can read the sheet music, and I know the keys, but I lack the ability to do both at once. If I'm reading the sheet music, I lose track of my fingers, and if I'm looking at my fingers, i forget the upcoming notes.
And there's so many other things that I LOVE doing, but don't have the capability to do in any meaningful way. I guess, in the end, I'm a bit of a jack of all trades. And growing up, I had always been told that was a good thing, it let you have options, to adapt. But.... that's not true anymore. Nowadays, unless you have lots of skill in one or two things, you just can't compete into the fields in a way to make an income. There are only so many opportunities, and yet an ever growing crowd of people fighting for them. By being 'okay' in everything, I don't have the skills to actually compete for anything.
And lets not even get started on my complicated feelings in regards to my love life (or lack thereof).
Which leaves me just feeling.... a bit lost. Like, what am I going to bloody do with my life? Am I going to end up stuck in this tiny ass town, just always either looking for work, or living off of, like, a minimum wage retail job for the rest of my life? I look at all the 50, 60 year old people in my town, them having been working in these stores for 20, 30 years, and barely making more than minimum wage. Working 40-50 hour weeks at these places making like $13/hour, and mostly content with it because it's all they've ever done, and what else are they going to do in a small town like Dunnville?
I look at them and all I can think is that, most likely, I'm going to end up like them, having lived in this small town my entire life, working a retail job that I hate, and doing nothing of significance.
And really, I don't know what to do about that. I just really don't know.
If you read this far, thank you. I really do appreciate you taking the time to read my rambling rant about my life. I'm sorry that you forced yourself through that.
Also, like your degree plan, things don't always pan out the way you originally intend. But you still graduated and got a degree in something, so while you may not be able (or may not want to anymore at this particular juncture) to do what you wanted to do before, doesn't mean that something totally bizarre and new won't come your way in the future.
Now I can't say that I can really be the voice of optimism here, because I truly understand where you're coming from, but what I am saying is that sometimes things just happen in the most unexpected of ways. Some good, some bad.
What I'm saying is, just keep an eye out. Perhaps something that wasn't even in your view before just might be the next best thing for ya. You're still young, feeling like this is natural. I'm sure everyone has this feeling at least once in their lives. I'm holding out for something too, my original plan is pretty shot at this point. But I keep telling myself these same words, over and over, even if it sounds like something you'd read on a fortune cookie.
It's mostly just me clinging to blind faith in doing what I can. And while it's not exactly the most comforting of words, it's proof that you're not alone in this. Hang in there, bud.