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Things are different now
8 years ago
I wanna make a journal here to express something that I don't really want to advertise anywhere else. I think it'll make more sense to the people who watch me here anyway.
I've always been kinna frustrated with how people react to the things I post here. It seems like very few people understand why I draw mostly genital modification stuff. To be fair I don't think I've explained myself in detail, but I don't really feel motivated to unless asked. I feel like there are a few of you out there who feel similarly to how I do and that's made me feel less like I'm alone. There are also a thoughtful few who have asked questions or offered commentary that suggest they know what's up. This makes me feel just a bit less alienated and the response I've received from this community has really helped me move forward.
The things I draw are meant to depict people (or I guess cartoon animal people) dealing with problems of bodily integrity. Call it self-actualization porn if you want. I've struggled with a deep discomfort with myself and certain body parts for as long as I can remember. I was never really sure what I felt was wrong or how I might address this feeling. Today marks 10 months since I had had enough with confusion and decided to make a change. I don't think I really want to put into words what I was feeling at the time, or exactly what happened because I've already done that for several doctors, a few counsellors and one police officer. Suffice it to say, one poor decision kinna dragged some feelings I've tried to ignore and move past since I was a kid right back to the surface. I've been in the hospital for self harm three times in the last ten months, but I think I'm better able to control myself now.
I feel like posting stuff here has helped me come to terms with my feelings and some of the people I've met here have given me the confidence to act on them. I haven't been able to draw anything to post here for the past 8 months because I've been scared of my own sex drive. I've been mutilating my hands and arms because I feel like I need to redirect urges to mutilate my genitals. I've even been afraid to look in the mirror cause I don't like what I see. Things are a little different now though. For about 5 months I've had a new name and its made me feel more like I belong. For a little over 6 weeks I've been taking androgen blockers and I feel like they've given me some clarity. I feel more like I'm in control of myself and my life than ever before and I want to say that I'm thankful for the experiences I've had in this community.
I really want to get back to drawing things for you guys. My account reached 1000 watchers this week which is like whoa. Somewhere around 200 of those are from my recent period of inactivity so I guess the interest is still there. I also want to move forward in other areas of my life (career wise), but I've got time to make that happen. I've struggled to say these things for months now and I guess it's typical that I would only feel motivated to do so when I should be studying for an exam, but like yanno how it is. I hope to have something to share with you soon.
-Sara
telegram: (at)DeadD0g
Not always very talkative, but I'm around usually
I've always been kinna frustrated with how people react to the things I post here. It seems like very few people understand why I draw mostly genital modification stuff. To be fair I don't think I've explained myself in detail, but I don't really feel motivated to unless asked. I feel like there are a few of you out there who feel similarly to how I do and that's made me feel less like I'm alone. There are also a thoughtful few who have asked questions or offered commentary that suggest they know what's up. This makes me feel just a bit less alienated and the response I've received from this community has really helped me move forward.
The things I draw are meant to depict people (or I guess cartoon animal people) dealing with problems of bodily integrity. Call it self-actualization porn if you want. I've struggled with a deep discomfort with myself and certain body parts for as long as I can remember. I was never really sure what I felt was wrong or how I might address this feeling. Today marks 10 months since I had had enough with confusion and decided to make a change. I don't think I really want to put into words what I was feeling at the time, or exactly what happened because I've already done that for several doctors, a few counsellors and one police officer. Suffice it to say, one poor decision kinna dragged some feelings I've tried to ignore and move past since I was a kid right back to the surface. I've been in the hospital for self harm three times in the last ten months, but I think I'm better able to control myself now.
I feel like posting stuff here has helped me come to terms with my feelings and some of the people I've met here have given me the confidence to act on them. I haven't been able to draw anything to post here for the past 8 months because I've been scared of my own sex drive. I've been mutilating my hands and arms because I feel like I need to redirect urges to mutilate my genitals. I've even been afraid to look in the mirror cause I don't like what I see. Things are a little different now though. For about 5 months I've had a new name and its made me feel more like I belong. For a little over 6 weeks I've been taking androgen blockers and I feel like they've given me some clarity. I feel more like I'm in control of myself and my life than ever before and I want to say that I'm thankful for the experiences I've had in this community.
I really want to get back to drawing things for you guys. My account reached 1000 watchers this week which is like whoa. Somewhere around 200 of those are from my recent period of inactivity so I guess the interest is still there. I also want to move forward in other areas of my life (career wise), but I've got time to make that happen. I've struggled to say these things for months now and I guess it's typical that I would only feel motivated to do so when I should be studying for an exam, but like yanno how it is. I hope to have something to share with you soon.
-Sara
telegram: (at)DeadD0g
Not always very talkative, but I'm around usually
I also understand your urge to harm certain body parts as I have been doing so aggressively to my own lately and I have really been enjoying it more than I thought I would... I really just want them gone. Always up for chatting if you'd ever want!
Take care of yourself and take as much time as you need. Folks'll still be here whenever you're up for being around. ^.^
Welcome to the future, cyberpunk.
PS: I suppose "choose your name" would be a subset of "choose your life" and not warrant its own entry, but it was… Okay, I'm being pedantic. I'm glad you found something that helps. May it continue to improve for you, as you get used to the new endocrine balance!
do hope all goes well for oyu,your honestly my all time fave artist.