I'm still alive. fighting depression. I dont get self harmful or violent with others.. i neglect myself. i havent taken my diabetes meds in months... my latest batch of depression has to do with feeling ignored, even online interactions are few and far between it feels. i set a major goal for myself in college. be a master certified tech before graduation. i met that goal, but now it feels like i cheated. that it shouldnt have been that easy. so my dumb brain is making me feel like shit. no energy for anything it feels. no desire for anything. just sit there, read the horrible news. stare at the screen. why bother trying to rp with someone online, it dont matter. dnd with friends feels pointless, im just a npc for the story the dm wants to tell. no one will read this or reply. its more im talking off an cliff. telling my parents that ive got this master level certification only seemed to get my dad interested in seeing what i can buy him with my discount. my mom 'jokes' if you are a straight A student now, why didnt you do it in high school. yeah, mom.. people change in 20 years. im coming on 40 years old. i dont know if i can even do the job im certified in once i graduate college. physically, i mean. i want to sell my knowledge. my body hurts all the time. things that used to bring me joy are just.. ash. i cant eat what i like to bring myself comfort with food. doing that makes me feel terrible. its what i used to do when i was 12. part of why im fat. reading porn stories/looking at art is frustrating.. my health again, makes it so i have a hard time getting arroused and if i do, i cant even orgasm. I want to dip into my hobbies as a teen, making things for dnd and things like that. now.. i look at it and again feel like its pointless, as ill never use the stuff. i look at the art i posted i here, and wonder why i havent taken drawing again. or writing. then the stupid voice says why bother. you draw some sexy herm art, or write the kind of story you wanna see, you get no feed back, or you get someone latching on you about some dumb thing. crotch dovers. those that see you made soemthing nice, they wanna sex rp with you. whats the fucking point. sigh. ok ill just hit enter on this and end the thoughts. if someone who knows me form a while ago, know that i didnt intend to ignore you.. im just.. quiet.. like.. i hope to talk with you.. message me, i will talk and chat.. but with my current state of mind.. im not good company to be fun around. alright.. im gonna end this, got to let the Dog out. i look at my current version of Dani and realise he looks jsut like her, heh.