I need to get some things off my chest. There's honestly no one I can really seriously go to and talk about these things - at least not without receiving recommendations for how to fix things. The issue is that many people think they can fix these problems of mine - but no, these are my problems to bear and the situations involving them so complex that it renders me less than capable of both asking for and receiving aid.

So anyways...

The truth here is that over a year ago I was finally diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This is something that many people have, and it occurs in varying degrees.

I got the bad one.

I'm a full-time student, with a near full-time job. Typical situation for most college students really. What's not typical is the fact that my workload is easily triple that of my fellow peers. I get less than 5 hours of sleep a night, I work well into the am on homework, and I spend most of my free time desperately searching for help. I struggle day to day to find out exactly why in the world this is the case and can only ever come to the conclusion that for some reason the omnipotent skyforces have chosen me to frown upon. In addition to this, I deal with the anxiety on a daily basis. You see, for me it isn't just a few panic attacks a day... it's every hour. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I wake to a panic attack. I have panic attacks in my dreams. I go to sleep with a panic attack. My heart never stops pounding, my hands never stop shaking, and my thoughts never stop racing. I'm scared of everything. Scared that the failure of a class will cause admonishment. Scared that admonishment will damage me. Scared that I could be that 40 year old guy still living at home because he couldn't handle what the world threw at him. I know these fears only cause me pain. I know these fears are irrelevant - but it doesn't fix it.

The thing is - I'm better because of this. It hurts - and it hurts every single waking moment; but I'm stronger than I've ever been. While my peers are able to spend time drifting aimlessly on Reddit, I spend the time furiously working. The point being - even though things hurt me far more than they hurt others, I'm able to bear more - and I know it.

So I'm sitting here right now, struggling with a java project that will barely function, knowing that not turning it in would barely make a dent in my entire grade for the course, and I'm horrified that I can't get it to work. I know that I should be focusing on math right now. As it stands I have an A+ in java and even if I failed the final and didn't turn in anything for this project I'd still probably pass the course with a C+... however, I'm at a B- in precal, and the final would easily sink me there. The logical thing to do would be to completely abandon all hope for this project and just focus on math. But welcome to my brain. You see, somehow my brain has convinced my subconscious that, in some twisted version of this reality, failing to turn in the final project would result in supreme disappointment from the professor, scoffs and admonishment, and an inability to pass the course at all. Numbers don't support this - yet my brain believes this.

So - I'm sitting here. Just typing - talking to what amounts to white noise really. Because there isn't anything to do to save me here. No one can make me feel better, and believe me they've tried. The wonderful people in this community and in my life try daily to make me feel better, but it sadly has little effect other than to remind me that at some point I should really answer that god-damned telegram message Everything hurts. My mind hurts, my body hurts, my will hurts - but I'm continuing on. And I'm continuing on, NOT because I somehow believe that I might be able to handle it better - but because I believe that somehow this must get better.

And if it doesn't... I don't know... but something will have to change, because this isn't sustainable - and trust me when I say, no one enjoys breathing more than I.