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One More Light
8 years ago
So I feel empowered to type this.
As you may have known, on July 20th, 2017 Chester Bennington of Linkin Park took his own life. What you may now have known, is how big of an impact he had on me and my friends.
Chester was THE reason I did not take my own life in early adolescence. Chester was THE reason I didn't feel alone in a world that, then, felt like it only hated me.
This is something I don't talk about often, but in middle school I was not just bullied - I was absolutely torn apart. Every single day I wanted to die - and I tried... a lot. I had firearms waved in my face, suffered heatstroke in gym class and was laughed at by the teachers, targeted by the parents of children who tormented me, and suspended everytime I tried to defend myself.
Chester and his music gave me comfort at night. I read about his past then and carried it with me. In time they became a meme of sorts with people laughing at the cringy and overly emotional lines. But the truth is, you listened to it. We all did. And if you didn't; then you should have.
Now I'm sitting here, completely broken for the third night in a row. I can't sleep without hearing his voice in my mind. Perhaps it's stupid to feel this way about someone I never knew - about a celebrity of some sort, but you must understand. Chester was not just a celebrity to me; not just a famous dude to thousands of us who grew with him. He was an inspiration, a realization that you could beat your demons and move on.
But his demons won... left another chair bleak and empty on the floor. So now those of us who grew with him; grew because of him, are left broken and uncertain. If someone who was like us couldn't beat this... then how can we? How are we expected to challenge the darkness that takes even those that have so much? These are the thoughts that go through my head now.
I hear "One More Light" and all I hear is pain. I regret that I did not listen to it earlier. I had sealed off my past long ago; vowed to move forward and change. But this has opened these wounds again, as it has for many of us. All that hurt, that pain, that suffering and doubt, has just been rekindled. We are once again forced to realize that this did happen. All these awful things happened to us.
But I urge those of you who might be going through something similar for ANY reason to remember that YOU DID go through it, and you won. Giving up doesn't earn us any solace; solace is for the living. Change doesn't come easy - and leaving behind another empty place in someones bed will never accelerate it.
I must admit - I've faced that decision before. I've faced the realization that I will die. I've faced the realization that it was my decision to end it all - and I never want to do that again. It's the single most frightening thing that I have ever had happen to me. There's nothing here on earth that can compare to that one single decision; that one single moment. It's horrifying; and I hurt because of it. But I was fortunate in that I learned and got help. I sought out others and fought - and continue to fight.
I apologize if this is nothing but droning... but you must understand that this is something I've not felt for a long time... and something that I planned on never having to face again.
Please - if you're thinking of following Chester... if you're planning anything or ever feel like you should take that step, just take three breaths. Three long breaths. Three breaths is all you need to understand what it is that separates here from there. If you can find it in yourself call someone... call the suicide hotline. It sounds dumb, I know. It sounds trivial; I know. It's anonymous though - and I promise you... it's more help than you think it is.
No one is going to come for you for calling. No one is going to blame you for calling. No one will call you weak for calling. No one will even know if you don't want them to. If you're that far... just reach out to someone please.
Chester has undoubtedly made a mark on my life - so many positive changes... including life itself. Give yourself that same chance. Go out and change the world for someone. Maybe it's just buying some homeless guy a sandwich... maybe it's being a friend to a kid in class that seems distant. Maybe you chase away the bullies for someone else. Or maybe you just offer a simple smile to someone in pain... a simple moment can change the course of history - can change the course of a life.
You aren't alone in this world. You never will be. We are all here together - even if the shit that's posted everywhere seems to indicate otherwise; we are all here. And if all else fails, please just remember the lines from "One More Light"...
Who cares if one more light goes out?
I do. I really fucking do.
As you may have known, on July 20th, 2017 Chester Bennington of Linkin Park took his own life. What you may now have known, is how big of an impact he had on me and my friends.
Chester was THE reason I did not take my own life in early adolescence. Chester was THE reason I didn't feel alone in a world that, then, felt like it only hated me.
This is something I don't talk about often, but in middle school I was not just bullied - I was absolutely torn apart. Every single day I wanted to die - and I tried... a lot. I had firearms waved in my face, suffered heatstroke in gym class and was laughed at by the teachers, targeted by the parents of children who tormented me, and suspended everytime I tried to defend myself.
Chester and his music gave me comfort at night. I read about his past then and carried it with me. In time they became a meme of sorts with people laughing at the cringy and overly emotional lines. But the truth is, you listened to it. We all did. And if you didn't; then you should have.
Now I'm sitting here, completely broken for the third night in a row. I can't sleep without hearing his voice in my mind. Perhaps it's stupid to feel this way about someone I never knew - about a celebrity of some sort, but you must understand. Chester was not just a celebrity to me; not just a famous dude to thousands of us who grew with him. He was an inspiration, a realization that you could beat your demons and move on.
But his demons won... left another chair bleak and empty on the floor. So now those of us who grew with him; grew because of him, are left broken and uncertain. If someone who was like us couldn't beat this... then how can we? How are we expected to challenge the darkness that takes even those that have so much? These are the thoughts that go through my head now.
I hear "One More Light" and all I hear is pain. I regret that I did not listen to it earlier. I had sealed off my past long ago; vowed to move forward and change. But this has opened these wounds again, as it has for many of us. All that hurt, that pain, that suffering and doubt, has just been rekindled. We are once again forced to realize that this did happen. All these awful things happened to us.
But I urge those of you who might be going through something similar for ANY reason to remember that YOU DID go through it, and you won. Giving up doesn't earn us any solace; solace is for the living. Change doesn't come easy - and leaving behind another empty place in someones bed will never accelerate it.
I must admit - I've faced that decision before. I've faced the realization that I will die. I've faced the realization that it was my decision to end it all - and I never want to do that again. It's the single most frightening thing that I have ever had happen to me. There's nothing here on earth that can compare to that one single decision; that one single moment. It's horrifying; and I hurt because of it. But I was fortunate in that I learned and got help. I sought out others and fought - and continue to fight.
I apologize if this is nothing but droning... but you must understand that this is something I've not felt for a long time... and something that I planned on never having to face again.
Please - if you're thinking of following Chester... if you're planning anything or ever feel like you should take that step, just take three breaths. Three long breaths. Three breaths is all you need to understand what it is that separates here from there. If you can find it in yourself call someone... call the suicide hotline. It sounds dumb, I know. It sounds trivial; I know. It's anonymous though - and I promise you... it's more help than you think it is.
No one is going to come for you for calling. No one is going to blame you for calling. No one will call you weak for calling. No one will even know if you don't want them to. If you're that far... just reach out to someone please.
Chester has undoubtedly made a mark on my life - so many positive changes... including life itself. Give yourself that same chance. Go out and change the world for someone. Maybe it's just buying some homeless guy a sandwich... maybe it's being a friend to a kid in class that seems distant. Maybe you chase away the bullies for someone else. Or maybe you just offer a simple smile to someone in pain... a simple moment can change the course of history - can change the course of a life.
You aren't alone in this world. You never will be. We are all here together - even if the shit that's posted everywhere seems to indicate otherwise; we are all here. And if all else fails, please just remember the lines from "One More Light"...
Who cares if one more light goes out?
I do. I really fucking do.
