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Allow me to shout into the dark.
8 years ago
I just need to shout at nobody right now, ignore me...
I feel like trash. I feel useless. I feel like I am just a problem for everyone.
I finally got a job and I couldn't be happier about that. But someone please explain why i don't feel happy. One of the few things I truly knew I wanted from life and I am not happy. Why do I feel like no one wants to deal with me, be around me, or look in my direction. I try so hard to at least fake being happy but I guess it still shows. What's wrong with me. Why do I feel this way. Why do I not want to wake up anymore. Part of me just wants to all at once step out of everyone's life because I know it won't make a bit of difference. And people tell me "Oh I would miss you.." but I doubt that. No one "misses" me.. I want to not feel this way anymore. I really do. But there is no solution to it I can find...I try reaching out to people but I am bad at talking to people. What I have to say interests no one but me. I'm not good enough and never have been good enough for any of the girls I have been with or tried to be with. So what is the point of me being here. Sure I care about everyone I know, but they have dozens of others who care too. And are no doubt more fun to be around and talk to. I want this feeling to end... The one person I thought would never leave me gets more and more distant as the days go by and I know I have lost them But a part of me refuses to accept it. Been talking to my mom alot about how I have been feeling and she keeps telling me it's okay to be sad but to not let it be who I am. But it has always been who I am. I just was just better at hiding it and I had someone that was here to distract my mind from all this shit. I am so tired of spending my nights curled up in a ball and sobbing my eyes out. So tired of hearing people say they are in my corner but when I turn to look there is no one in sight... I don't know anymore. Maybe I am just being a fucking idiot. That is a possibility.. I just want it all to end man... I have always envied the angels in the show Supernatural. Because they don't experience human emotions... I wish I was like that... I wish I didn't ear my heart on my sleeves so that everyone could kick it around like a hacky sack. Maybe that is my own fault...
Maybe it will always be my own fault...
Alright I'm done... needed to get that out...
I feel like trash. I feel useless. I feel like I am just a problem for everyone.
I finally got a job and I couldn't be happier about that. But someone please explain why i don't feel happy. One of the few things I truly knew I wanted from life and I am not happy. Why do I feel like no one wants to deal with me, be around me, or look in my direction. I try so hard to at least fake being happy but I guess it still shows. What's wrong with me. Why do I feel this way. Why do I not want to wake up anymore. Part of me just wants to all at once step out of everyone's life because I know it won't make a bit of difference. And people tell me "Oh I would miss you.." but I doubt that. No one "misses" me.. I want to not feel this way anymore. I really do. But there is no solution to it I can find...I try reaching out to people but I am bad at talking to people. What I have to say interests no one but me. I'm not good enough and never have been good enough for any of the girls I have been with or tried to be with. So what is the point of me being here. Sure I care about everyone I know, but they have dozens of others who care too. And are no doubt more fun to be around and talk to. I want this feeling to end... The one person I thought would never leave me gets more and more distant as the days go by and I know I have lost them But a part of me refuses to accept it. Been talking to my mom alot about how I have been feeling and she keeps telling me it's okay to be sad but to not let it be who I am. But it has always been who I am. I just was just better at hiding it and I had someone that was here to distract my mind from all this shit. I am so tired of spending my nights curled up in a ball and sobbing my eyes out. So tired of hearing people say they are in my corner but when I turn to look there is no one in sight... I don't know anymore. Maybe I am just being a fucking idiot. That is a possibility.. I just want it all to end man... I have always envied the angels in the show Supernatural. Because they don't experience human emotions... I wish I was like that... I wish I didn't ear my heart on my sleeves so that everyone could kick it around like a hacky sack. Maybe that is my own fault...
Maybe it will always be my own fault...
Alright I'm done... needed to get that out...
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