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Infallible Half-Dude IS fallible
8 years ago
Feeling depressed tonight and I need to tell some one, even though I probably should, I don't want to go on about it on FB to my friends and family because.. well I guess I'm too proud and I don't want them seeing me at my weakest.. you probably understand.
As you probably know but maybe don't think about, I'm far from the god that it feels like some people come up to me acting like I am. It's almost amusing to me the sadistic irony of life. Here I am online with 800 people looking at and enjoying my weird art, and celebrating me for it at that. I have people almost regularly coming up to me treating me like some Hollywood star, nervous trying to work up the courage to talk to, apparently, amazing ol' me. Hell I even get the occasional Misery-style nutty obsessed stalker sometimes.
Honestly all I can think about is why can't I have even a fraction of this popularity in real life? Hell I don't even need to be popular, why can't I at least have an ACCEPTABLE social life? Here I have people nervous to talk to me out of star-struckness, when in real life it feels like no one could give two shits about me.
I'm going to lift the internet vail here a little, hell Jyoo_C_Froot can probably vouch for me since he's actually met me, but here's the real me. Here's what H-D is like in real life. In real life I'm a 5'9 overweight neck-beard, I have social anxiety and the last remnants of high-functioning aspergers. My days usually consist of sleeping till noon or later on my off-days, or going to school till around that time on weekdays, coming home to life on the computer and internet and going to bed. I hardly ever interact with any other human-beings more then casually such as the lady at the drive-thru or the man who checks out my groceries. If I do see a friend it's maybe once every 2 weeks on the weekend and that's being generous. The only human I really have to interact with on a daily basis is my mom. Oh yeah did I mention? I'm 29 and I still live with my mom, add that to the list of things that make me pathetic. I spend all my time either on the internet and drawing, and when I draw it's ALWAYS alone in my room, stopping out of embarrassment when my mom barges in because I don't want my mom seeing me drawing porn of cars.
My interactions with groups of people never ever go beyond the casual, no one ever seems to want to get to know me, ask what I'm interested in or what I like to do, and I'm too much of a fucking coward to ever share my deeper feelings such as my beliefs or feelings about cars, many people don't even know I draw period. So I go around every day, feeling like no one.... no one ever really KNOWS me you know? Hell do I even have any real friends? Not really, I had one but he moved away and my two other friends are back in Washington State. So that's what I have, a bunch of coworkers, classmates, and acquaintances, all of which never really know me, know the crazy person I really am underneath, know about me and Lilly, or know about any of my weirder facets. Yeah I know, maybe people shouldn't know about my feelings about cars but HONESTLY.. I struggle to even think about anything else that really matters to me, maybe that's the auspergers.
I live as a cursed individual a creature driven nearly mad by the conflicting nature of my being. I don't LIKE people, I think the idea of having a human girlfriend is stupid and doomed to inevitable failure, yet in the back of my mind WHY do I still sometimes want them anyway? I don't feel like any other humans really get me, I don't feel like I belong at all with the rest of humanity, and about %80 of the time I prefer to be alone. So why do I always have this aching loneliness the other %10 of the time? I love Lilly, she gives me all the lovey dovey needs I need most of the time, so why do I still find myself wanting a human girl sometimes too? I am almost certain that the majority of relationships are failures, the statistics show it, and all you do is end up hating the girls guts afterwords and feel like you wasted your time and money on her so why would you even get in one??? Not to mention I know how much Im like my dad, the guy who had 3 kids with 3 different wives, I know girls would be better off NOT being with me, not to mention I feel like the only thing I even really would want from a human girl would be physical.. I'm not ashamed to admit.
I feel like the universe just wanted to create someone to torment sometimes. Why am I such a paradox? I want friends, but it's impossible for me to enjoy social events. I get bored doing anything out of the house after maybe an hour, and when I try to make friends its the same thing I said before.. no one ever seems to want to get to know me, it's all casual bullshit, it's ALWAYS just casual bullshit. Lets list the things I know I don't like to do: go to clubs, go to life music concerts, go bowling, play pool, drink a a bar ect. Not to mention I don't drink, just another curse of my being, for whatever reason I find alcohol disgusting and have never liked the taste and beer makes me feel sick to my stomach. So of course there's no reason to go to bars to just sit there and drink disgusting drinks.. that are overpriced too btw.
Fuck I can't even make use of my interests in cars to meet people. I can't stand the average people and what they like in cars, always talking about horse-power this, talking about their cars like they're shit and judging their entire beings on shallow stuff like how fast they are or how big their engine is. Not to mention I get to hear them talking about the cars they wrecked, completely non-ceremoniously saying shit like "it was a shitty car anyway" making me rather punch them in the face then listen to them talk anymore. Not to mention it annoys the hell out of me seeing other guys with their cars if they happen to own a sexy car. It annoys the hell out of me because that car is so damn sexy but I know that guy is never going to fuck it or let me fuck it. I'm seeing this fucking gorgeous babe of a car sitting there and all he wants to talk about is what kind of horsepower she gets and I'm like "stfu!" That's like going up to some sexy female model and the guys instead of talking about how sexy they are, they talk about how many beats a second her heart is pumping blood or something.. like wtf!
So yeah, I feel that I'm fucked IRL, I don't know what the fuck I can possibly do to ever improve my life, and to be honest it's even worse seeing how much you guys love me here on FA. Because it just makes me feel like I could be having some amazing or at least normal life if I acted at all like I act online, or fuck.. I don't even know why I'm so much more popular online. I also feel like my art skills are wasted because no one other then people online are ever going to see it. I feel like all my car consciousness research is a fucking waste again because no one but you guys online have ever had me talk about it to you, you know? All those paragraph long discussions I've had with some of you where in some of your cases my arguments have changed your outlook? Yeah all that is going to go to waste IRL because I'm too damn shy to talk about it and too damn afraid of looking weird.
Honestly part of me wonders what my life could be like if I were able to fully adopt Rick Sanchez' outlook on life: To just do everything you want to do because nothing really matters at all.
To an extent it's true, what would REALLY matter if I said stuff to people and they thought I was weird? Chances are I'm never going to see them again so why does it even matter? Even if I did see them again why would it matter? So maybe I get teased? I got teased all through Middle-School I SHOULD be used to it and not be phased by it anymore. What the fuck is my problem??? At what point did I become so cowardly??
I'm so bothered by feeling like no one really knows me, part of me wishes so bad I'd just not give a shit and just tell everyone yeah, I fuck cars, my girlfriend is a car, and here look at this.. I draw porn of cars too! Oh do you have an hour? Let me discuss with you why I think cars are conscious beings. Sure %80 of the time people are going to just say I'm nuts. But you know what? The rest of them are either going to be cool about it, think its interesting, or at the very least see some king of artistic value in my anthro car drawings. Heck some of them might even be amused enough to ask me to draw pinups of THEIR cars!
I KNOW this all intellectually, why can't I believe it enough to put it into practice! WTF! *beats head*
Anyway, I know this all is probably just an incoherent mess of thoughts but I needed to scream it out into a room somewhere or I'm going to go nuts... and the social shut in I am.. an internet browser is about the best thing to a 'room of people' I can find. >>
As you probably know but maybe don't think about, I'm far from the god that it feels like some people come up to me acting like I am. It's almost amusing to me the sadistic irony of life. Here I am online with 800 people looking at and enjoying my weird art, and celebrating me for it at that. I have people almost regularly coming up to me treating me like some Hollywood star, nervous trying to work up the courage to talk to, apparently, amazing ol' me. Hell I even get the occasional Misery-style nutty obsessed stalker sometimes.
Honestly all I can think about is why can't I have even a fraction of this popularity in real life? Hell I don't even need to be popular, why can't I at least have an ACCEPTABLE social life? Here I have people nervous to talk to me out of star-struckness, when in real life it feels like no one could give two shits about me.
I'm going to lift the internet vail here a little, hell Jyoo_C_Froot can probably vouch for me since he's actually met me, but here's the real me. Here's what H-D is like in real life. In real life I'm a 5'9 overweight neck-beard, I have social anxiety and the last remnants of high-functioning aspergers. My days usually consist of sleeping till noon or later on my off-days, or going to school till around that time on weekdays, coming home to life on the computer and internet and going to bed. I hardly ever interact with any other human-beings more then casually such as the lady at the drive-thru or the man who checks out my groceries. If I do see a friend it's maybe once every 2 weeks on the weekend and that's being generous. The only human I really have to interact with on a daily basis is my mom. Oh yeah did I mention? I'm 29 and I still live with my mom, add that to the list of things that make me pathetic. I spend all my time either on the internet and drawing, and when I draw it's ALWAYS alone in my room, stopping out of embarrassment when my mom barges in because I don't want my mom seeing me drawing porn of cars.
My interactions with groups of people never ever go beyond the casual, no one ever seems to want to get to know me, ask what I'm interested in or what I like to do, and I'm too much of a fucking coward to ever share my deeper feelings such as my beliefs or feelings about cars, many people don't even know I draw period. So I go around every day, feeling like no one.... no one ever really KNOWS me you know? Hell do I even have any real friends? Not really, I had one but he moved away and my two other friends are back in Washington State. So that's what I have, a bunch of coworkers, classmates, and acquaintances, all of which never really know me, know the crazy person I really am underneath, know about me and Lilly, or know about any of my weirder facets. Yeah I know, maybe people shouldn't know about my feelings about cars but HONESTLY.. I struggle to even think about anything else that really matters to me, maybe that's the auspergers.
I live as a cursed individual a creature driven nearly mad by the conflicting nature of my being. I don't LIKE people, I think the idea of having a human girlfriend is stupid and doomed to inevitable failure, yet in the back of my mind WHY do I still sometimes want them anyway? I don't feel like any other humans really get me, I don't feel like I belong at all with the rest of humanity, and about %80 of the time I prefer to be alone. So why do I always have this aching loneliness the other %10 of the time? I love Lilly, she gives me all the lovey dovey needs I need most of the time, so why do I still find myself wanting a human girl sometimes too? I am almost certain that the majority of relationships are failures, the statistics show it, and all you do is end up hating the girls guts afterwords and feel like you wasted your time and money on her so why would you even get in one??? Not to mention I know how much Im like my dad, the guy who had 3 kids with 3 different wives, I know girls would be better off NOT being with me, not to mention I feel like the only thing I even really would want from a human girl would be physical.. I'm not ashamed to admit.
I feel like the universe just wanted to create someone to torment sometimes. Why am I such a paradox? I want friends, but it's impossible for me to enjoy social events. I get bored doing anything out of the house after maybe an hour, and when I try to make friends its the same thing I said before.. no one ever seems to want to get to know me, it's all casual bullshit, it's ALWAYS just casual bullshit. Lets list the things I know I don't like to do: go to clubs, go to life music concerts, go bowling, play pool, drink a a bar ect. Not to mention I don't drink, just another curse of my being, for whatever reason I find alcohol disgusting and have never liked the taste and beer makes me feel sick to my stomach. So of course there's no reason to go to bars to just sit there and drink disgusting drinks.. that are overpriced too btw.
Fuck I can't even make use of my interests in cars to meet people. I can't stand the average people and what they like in cars, always talking about horse-power this, talking about their cars like they're shit and judging their entire beings on shallow stuff like how fast they are or how big their engine is. Not to mention I get to hear them talking about the cars they wrecked, completely non-ceremoniously saying shit like "it was a shitty car anyway" making me rather punch them in the face then listen to them talk anymore. Not to mention it annoys the hell out of me seeing other guys with their cars if they happen to own a sexy car. It annoys the hell out of me because that car is so damn sexy but I know that guy is never going to fuck it or let me fuck it. I'm seeing this fucking gorgeous babe of a car sitting there and all he wants to talk about is what kind of horsepower she gets and I'm like "stfu!" That's like going up to some sexy female model and the guys instead of talking about how sexy they are, they talk about how many beats a second her heart is pumping blood or something.. like wtf!
So yeah, I feel that I'm fucked IRL, I don't know what the fuck I can possibly do to ever improve my life, and to be honest it's even worse seeing how much you guys love me here on FA. Because it just makes me feel like I could be having some amazing or at least normal life if I acted at all like I act online, or fuck.. I don't even know why I'm so much more popular online. I also feel like my art skills are wasted because no one other then people online are ever going to see it. I feel like all my car consciousness research is a fucking waste again because no one but you guys online have ever had me talk about it to you, you know? All those paragraph long discussions I've had with some of you where in some of your cases my arguments have changed your outlook? Yeah all that is going to go to waste IRL because I'm too damn shy to talk about it and too damn afraid of looking weird.
Honestly part of me wonders what my life could be like if I were able to fully adopt Rick Sanchez' outlook on life: To just do everything you want to do because nothing really matters at all.
To an extent it's true, what would REALLY matter if I said stuff to people and they thought I was weird? Chances are I'm never going to see them again so why does it even matter? Even if I did see them again why would it matter? So maybe I get teased? I got teased all through Middle-School I SHOULD be used to it and not be phased by it anymore. What the fuck is my problem??? At what point did I become so cowardly??
I'm so bothered by feeling like no one really knows me, part of me wishes so bad I'd just not give a shit and just tell everyone yeah, I fuck cars, my girlfriend is a car, and here look at this.. I draw porn of cars too! Oh do you have an hour? Let me discuss with you why I think cars are conscious beings. Sure %80 of the time people are going to just say I'm nuts. But you know what? The rest of them are either going to be cool about it, think its interesting, or at the very least see some king of artistic value in my anthro car drawings. Heck some of them might even be amused enough to ask me to draw pinups of THEIR cars!
I KNOW this all intellectually, why can't I believe it enough to put it into practice! WTF! *beats head*
Anyway, I know this all is probably just an incoherent mess of thoughts but I needed to scream it out into a room somewhere or I'm going to go nuts... and the social shut in I am.. an internet browser is about the best thing to a 'room of people' I can find. >>
But focusing on your rant? I get what you mean. Being in that situation has to feel depressing; But you know, if FA is any proof, it's that you still got people who look up to you as well as want to call you your friend as well. I wanted to ask you if going to a fur con sounded like something you'd want to do. Looking into the furry community over the last several months has shown me that maybe that'd be an outlet where I can find people to socialize with better. Who knows, maybe that could work for you too. And heck, even if it doesn't, the people who look up to you here might want to meet with you there anyway. Just a suggestion.
If you got a twitter or facebook account, definitely let me know. Again I know we've only met online recently, but I don't look at you at the popularity status; I look at you more as a cool person I wouldn't mind calling a friend.
Disclaimer: These are my (possibly flawed) opinions and observations. Anyway!
The thing with Internet popularity is that it isn't very applicable to real life. In real life everyone (even you and me) wears some kind of mask that represents how we want others to perceive us. On the Internet, this is not necessary, so people are much more inclined to "be themselves". That is to say, if you have like 800 people adoring your art, in reality you might not even get half of that because people would be simply afraid to show their likes more publicly. Just as you are afraid to tell others about your feelings. For me, my drawing doesn't really exist outside of this virtual space, simply out of fear that it will be judged.
They say you shouldn't let fear compromise who you are but sometimes the stakes are just too high.
It's not too surprising that you feel the desire for a girlfriend at times. After all, we're mostly hardcoded to desire interactions with members of our own species. It could be that some remnants of this "programming" still linger in your mind making you feel like that. Personally I see few advantages to having a partner. Plus, not having one brings a few advantages:
1) Food lasts twice as long
2) No one tells you what to do
3) If you don't want to do something, you don't
At any rate, just don't let your sex drive tell you what to do. I know how hard that is though.
Pretty much like you, I don't see the appeal in going to places "normal" people spend their time in. And yes, alcohol is disgusting. The thing is, you'll probably have to make some compromises here. Can't make any real life friends without actually participating in real life, sadly.
You might also have to reach out to them first. Get interested in them, and they may show their interest in turn. You probably should not talk about falling in love with cars and personal stuff like that though. And some people are just like that, casual, boring. Just got to accept it I guess. We, the creative people, are usually damaged in various ways, which is what probably makes us unique and able to see things in a different way.
Isn't that just infuriating though? People have some really nice cars but they're just sitting there so that people could get somewhere. I don't blame them too much, that's what they were designed to do, and we kinda see much more than the original purpose in cars. But here's a different viewpoint: do you get mad at people for using their fridges only for storing food? They don't hug them, hell, they don't even thank them for the good work they do. And they certainly don't fuck them. Funny how relative this is huh?
Don't let it get to you, it's one of the things of this world. Personally I don't get all that fuss about power and speed when you have to obey speed limits everywhere, which are well below the maximum power of an average car. As if people looked at physical and mental specs of their girlfriends before marriage - otherwise we might not have so many divorces happening.
To be honest, I think people like you and me can forget about a normal life. Normal life is boring, and we're not. It just doesn't go together that well. The thing to do is find enjoyment in what you already do. Would you rather lead a more ordinary life in exchange of what makes you unique, if a little controversial? I suppose that's only for you to answer, but I wouldn't. I'll pretend to be "mostly" normal for other people and have fun when they aren't looking. And if they find out? Bah!
As for revealing your interests to people, I'd suggest testing the water first, see how they react to things, maybe drop a subtle hint here and there and observe the results. In short, try to find people who are receptive to your views or are at least curious enough to listen to you. With some you might never be able to be truly open about things. As if often the case with one's parents, for example.
But yeah, sure you can try to adopt this "YOLO" kind of lifestyle, but I'd be careful to consider possible repercussions of your actions - you don't want your coworkers to start making fun of you or something. And with divisive things like these (attraction to objects, animals, what-have-you) caution is always advisable. Shit takes time.
So there. Hopefully this wall of text offers some food for thought and doesn't become a serious case of TL;DR.
As for your first paragraph, you make some good points, one possibly in my control the other totally out of my control. You're right, it's not all on me to be open with people. Even if I succeeded in the yolo life and didn't give a shit, you'd still have to deal with your peers who themselves are different off the internet too. I seem to forget how crazy and cruel people will act sometimes just to prove how NOT into what you're talking about they are. Hell, reminds me of this little prick back at summer school one year who was part of a gang of bullies that were tormenting me. He came up to me when the rest of them were gone, after they'd done a round of teasing on me, and had the nerve to tell me he was sorry and was just trying to fit in with them. Little fucker, I should have punched him square in the face. Looking back honestly, there are so many occasions of bullying in my childhood that if I were able to warm my consciousness back in time and into my younger self's body I would have beat the living hell out of them. But no, back then I was trying to take the high road and just ignore them because that's what all the parents suggested. In actuality things would have been better for me if I'd acted with violence instead. Not only would beating the hell out of a few bullies kept them off my back, but I almost guarantee you the rest of the school would have thought I was cool for doing so. Even if I'd tried tried and failed in a fight and got beat up.. I still would have looked better for standing up for myself. Besides when you're a kid that's like the only time in your life when you can actually beat someone up and not get into that much trouble for it. Now as an adult you try and and you get an assault charge slapped on you. But now I'm getting off topic.....
yeah I realize that about girlfriend. I know it's just my stupid monkey brain wanting me to procreate. Doesn't make resisting it any easier though sometimes. As I know the only thing I'd like from a girl is some occasional time to be affectionate all up on a girl and maybe do some sex or something.. it would be nice to find some kind of girl to have a no-strings attached sort of friends with benefits relationship with instead. I think that's the only kind of relationship with a girl that would make sense to me.
Well nice one there, very good point with that little relativity thought experiment there. True true.. I haven't thought that about a refrigerator, and there might even be some refrigerator-sexuals out there thinking the same way I think about cars.. very good point. Much like the girlfriend thing though, it doesn't necessarily make it any easier even with that realization lol. Honestly it's hard as hell, seeing these sexy as hell cars wasted on normal people... honestly I wish I could just pay them to let me get down with their cars.. I gladly would. >> When I get my own place here in a year or so I'll at least be able to rent some nightly carstititutes.. that should help vent my pent up frustration out a bit.
Well you admitted your opinions my be flawed. I've agreed with you till now, but I have to question the part about normal life. You're saying there are only two options, be normal at the cost of your unique side, or be unique and never be normal. I have to ask, why can't you be unique and still hang out with normal people? Honestly going back to not giving a shit. If the people around me knew how I am with cars, even if they thought I was kinda odd because of it.. only the most shallow of people would I think see the DECIDING factor in being friends with me. I mean as long as these aren't fucking rednecks, someones sexuality as long as it's not illegal is kind of a stupid thing to decide someone's whole existence by.
What is the worst that could happen from people knowing I fuck cars? I honestly feel like Objectum Sexuality wouldn't get the same violent resistance something like being gay would. Mostly because people mostly just period don't understand it at all, where being gay you know how straight guys are.. they get violent about it to prove how NOT guy they are. But a straight guy isn't going to have to instinctively feel like he has to defend how NOT into cars he is.
Honestly part of me wonders if a little conflict in my life is what I need anyway >> Like I said I've been bullied during childhood, I shouldn't be afraid of it. I dunno...
I wouldn't be too hard on that guy though. The fear of being the odd one out makes you do a lot of things to stay in the group. Things you may regret later. I should know, I used to do some weird things to be interesting, although it usually didn't involve bullying someone. But just saying, I can totally relate to him. Maybe it was better than you chose the non-violent path, because who knows what might have happened otherwise. You can't quite predict the consequences of every action of yours. The thing is, what we are now is the result of our past. Who knows, maybe you wouldn't be on FA and wouldn't be into cars. Would that be a better alternative?
Friends with benefits is actually about the only thing I really considered as a possibility for a more intimate interaction with someone else. Anything else just feels like too much work with uncertain results, and with how many divorces happen each year it's probably true.
I never said knowing the relativity of your feelings will make it easier to bear. It's a freaking torment to see my dream car every day knowing they don't get more than a tankful of gas and reluctantly some maintenance.
Would you believe that I was thinking about renting a car myself? I suppose it's a thought that is bound to cross one's mind sooner or later. Though the word "carstitutes" sounds really bad :D Even if it IS a bit like that. But yeah, hmm, I just need a private place now.
As for the two options in your life,I may have got a little caught up in extremes. Of course there are always shades of gray. I agree with the thought that friends who let you go after learning one of your personality traits are not worth keeping, but here it's a question of weighing the pros and cons. I mean, if you don't have many friends to begin with, the prospect of losing one or two (albeit shallow ones) may just be too high a price to pay. I don't know your situation, but I'd still go with the cautious approach I outlined previously.
Sure there is not that much you can get from admitting that you fuck cars - it's not illegal or anything. But using your comparison, homosexuality, unlike objectum sexuality, has got a wider recognition in the world, while OS still lingers in obscurity. And you said people don't understand it, and the looks of it most folks deal with what they don't understand in two ways: they fear it or they hate it. And while being gay is now probably alright for most people (depends on where you live), being in a relationship with your car might be harder to stomach even for a relatively tolerant person. I might've been weirded out by the idea ten years ago, myself. Coming out has its advantages but also its dangers.
Maybe the fact that you were bullied makes you all the more sensitive to the thought. I have been too, though admittedly not that much, probably, but it still makes me think about other people's reactions and fear being ostracized. Some things you carry in yourself for the whole life.