I wouldn't recommend reading this journal. I'm really just looking for a method of venting. I was told journaling can help people like me. Read if you want but don't say I didn't warn you.

I've been in a bit of a rut lately. I'm losing touch with friends and losing touch with myself. I've been the hero for so long and now that I need one of my own, nobody's around. It took me two whole years to realize how lonely I truly am. I have a good life but I feel somehow neglected. I haven't been in a loving relationship for almost 3 years now. I've seen my friend's lovers come and go. I can't help but feel a bit down.

The main culprit, well, let's just say High School is very unforgiving of those who are different. I didn't have a single true friend until senior year really. No one seemed to understand why I wouldn't conform or why being myself was so appealing. I got sick of people treating me like shit at lunch so I started eating in the library. Eventually, it got to the point where I was too stressed to even eat at school.

My inability to stand up for myself became clear to me when I hit rock bottom of my self esteem issues. A friend of mine made it clear in just a short statement. He said, "You are the only person I know that has been in so much pain for so long and not resorted to any form of self destruction." It made me feel and worse all at once to find that the person I looked up to envied my strength when I thought I was so weak.

I have a modeling career, I have quite a few talents, but I have nobody to share any of it with.