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Hamburgers won't sue you for medical malpractice
7 years ago
The list continues: A collection of assorted random things I have said or that have been said to me which I'm sure have never been said before and may never be said again.
I have twice now assaulted my cat with rum cake.
It's a wrist mounted brazing dildo.
I ended up in mortal combat with a mango. The mango won.
Hamburgers won't sue you for medical malpractice.
Me: People taffy.
Fry: People taffy!? -___O;
Me: Yes. People taffy.
Fry: Okay then.
They will fuck your boat.
My mother does not have a gutter, she's Catholic.
What's a good food-related metaphor for a homophobe?
Well, if it's any consolation, your eyeball will smell really nice for a while.
Is there a support group for people who hate lanthanides and actinides?
I would try Blistex flavored ice cream if they made it.
Have you wooed many goats in your time?
You would never mourn a grocery bag of diapers.
Stop fondling the pancakes!
You inspire poop.
Watermelon related injuries.
Me: Can I drive up this shitbrick-mountain at a 70 degree incline?
Physics: No.
Mass Effect 1: Lol.
Incidences of accidents rise exponentially with every buttock added to the equation.
Why would you need to reason with a kneecap?
The polystyrene anus is recalcitrant.
Well, I wouldn't know. I've never dropped a cow on anyone from several thousand feet before.
The submarine has transcended mere sentience. It is sapient. It is aware.
Friend: What the hell is wrong with us?
Me: Synchronized lupus.
House MD: -pops out from behind the wall- IT'S NEVER LUPUS! -cane to the head-
Me: I'm not as hateful toward plaid as I used to be. I can tolerate its presence… to an extent and under very specific circumstances. Now corduroy, corduroy can get fucked and die. There is no excuse for corduroy. Ever. Not even you, Canada.
Canada: But…
Me: NO EXCUSES.
Buttocks are not typically vectors for that sort of thing.
I don't think my air conditioning unit has a gender.
I will lick all of your possessions.
There's not really much you can do but wiggle around awkwardly and pray the gods have mercy on your butt crack.
Bathtub….? That's an odd place to store rat kabobs.
I don't think the tuna goes well with my complexion.
I could probably bench press you with my forehead muscles.
It sounds like there's a toucan getting butt-raped in the backseat.
Now it sounds like there's a kookaburra getting butt-raped in the backseat.
Now it sounds like there's an entire aviary getting butt-rape in the backseat.
WHAT FRESH HELL IS GOING ON IN THE BACKSEAT!?
Styrofoam containers: -cackling maniacally as we drive through Middle of Potholeville Texas-
I always eat my rearview mirrors with ketchup on them, don't you?
I would rather deal with burning farts than freeze to death.
Oh, ya know. The usual; reading, perusing the news, licking protein off my iPad.
Get your fingers out of my wage gap!
I didn't watch a lot of kids when I was a TV.
Space dolphins and aquatic elephants that resolve all conflicts through sex like bonobos.
I find that being on fire and being correct are not necessarily mutually exclusive.
Don't mind me. Just duct taping some assholes to the windows.
I drank the phone.
I have twice now assaulted my cat with rum cake.
It's a wrist mounted brazing dildo.
I ended up in mortal combat with a mango. The mango won.
Hamburgers won't sue you for medical malpractice.
Me: People taffy.
Fry: People taffy!? -___O;
Me: Yes. People taffy.
Fry: Okay then.
They will fuck your boat.
My mother does not have a gutter, she's Catholic.
What's a good food-related metaphor for a homophobe?
Well, if it's any consolation, your eyeball will smell really nice for a while.
Is there a support group for people who hate lanthanides and actinides?
I would try Blistex flavored ice cream if they made it.
Have you wooed many goats in your time?
You would never mourn a grocery bag of diapers.
Stop fondling the pancakes!
You inspire poop.
Watermelon related injuries.
Me: Can I drive up this shitbrick-mountain at a 70 degree incline?
Physics: No.
Mass Effect 1: Lol.
Incidences of accidents rise exponentially with every buttock added to the equation.
Why would you need to reason with a kneecap?
The polystyrene anus is recalcitrant.
Well, I wouldn't know. I've never dropped a cow on anyone from several thousand feet before.
The submarine has transcended mere sentience. It is sapient. It is aware.
Friend: What the hell is wrong with us?
Me: Synchronized lupus.
House MD: -pops out from behind the wall- IT'S NEVER LUPUS! -cane to the head-
Me: I'm not as hateful toward plaid as I used to be. I can tolerate its presence… to an extent and under very specific circumstances. Now corduroy, corduroy can get fucked and die. There is no excuse for corduroy. Ever. Not even you, Canada.
Canada: But…
Me: NO EXCUSES.
Buttocks are not typically vectors for that sort of thing.
I don't think my air conditioning unit has a gender.
I will lick all of your possessions.
There's not really much you can do but wiggle around awkwardly and pray the gods have mercy on your butt crack.
Bathtub….? That's an odd place to store rat kabobs.
I don't think the tuna goes well with my complexion.
I could probably bench press you with my forehead muscles.
It sounds like there's a toucan getting butt-raped in the backseat.
Now it sounds like there's a kookaburra getting butt-raped in the backseat.
Now it sounds like there's an entire aviary getting butt-rape in the backseat.
WHAT FRESH HELL IS GOING ON IN THE BACKSEAT!?
Styrofoam containers: -cackling maniacally as we drive through Middle of Potholeville Texas-
I always eat my rearview mirrors with ketchup on them, don't you?
I would rather deal with burning farts than freeze to death.
Oh, ya know. The usual; reading, perusing the news, licking protein off my iPad.
Get your fingers out of my wage gap!
I didn't watch a lot of kids when I was a TV.
Space dolphins and aquatic elephants that resolve all conflicts through sex like bonobos.
I find that being on fire and being correct are not necessarily mutually exclusive.
Don't mind me. Just duct taping some assholes to the windows.
I drank the phone.
And this is where I totally lost composure... Out of context quotes are the greatest.
I wish I could favourite journals. And I think everyone has at one point said something totally strange at least once.
She also accidentally sprayed herself in the eyeball with scented Lysol once. Hence: "Well, if it's any consolation, your eyeball will smell really nice for a while." She then sprayed me with the Lysol. ;p
A friend said this to me: "We need more ball gags."
"I like babies. They're like little human pets."
"It's funny that whenever people draw whipped cream, or whenever people draw poo, they draw the exact same thing, only a different color."
"Have your tentacles ever fucked an entire school?"
"That's what the X-Man academy tells everyone: Yeah, you're special! Here's a helmet, go fight crime!"
"YOU CAN'T TAG-TEAM AUTISM!!"
"Don't kiss me while your dick is in the sink!"
"Eeheehee, I have a coin sandwich."
"There was a big lot of spider-butt stuff."
Have some more out of context quotes. :3
...one of these "one-timers" hearkens me to what one might say, under the circumstance of whoring around, quick-and-dirty, at a cheap motel
(please, do not inquire on how i might know of such things, as that.
.)
And I mkay have actually said "I will lick all of your possessions. ", once.
The sad thing is that the message was part of a conversation I was having with my husband. XD
And offend the much of the overly sheltered public in general.
Win Win all the way around :D
"Boots make you immune to stairs." (not a saying of mine, but I love it regardless)
"You're better at me than I am."
I so love the crazy random quotes that leave us wondering what the context was. I've heard so many over the years at work or at furry cons, or were just funny things that popped to mind.
"Don't pick scabs off your scrotum."
"One way or another I'm getting laid tonight, even if I have to do it with your truck."
"Sometimes it's just about throwing something down there to fill the hole."
"I'd rather hear my parents fuck than listen to your wind chimes."
"The thing is too damn small. I can't hold on to it any more."
"Is this fromunda cheese or pus?"
[My best friend has always made jokes ripping on me like I'm an old man, because I'm 8 years older than him. We used to work together, and one part of our job was cleaning the shop bathrooms which had self-closing doors.]
Me, while vacuuming floor in the ladies' room: *THUD* "Son of a bitch! (I switch off vacuum)
Friend, cleaning the men's room, a few seconds later: "What happened?"
Me: "I was holding the door open and my hand slipped off, and it hit me in the head."
Him: "Oh...I thought maybe the canister vac ran over your nuts."
[I had to sit down for over 5 minutes because I was laughing so hard I couldn't stand up, and even to this day, 10 years later, while writing about it the memory has me laughing until I have tears in my eyes]
By the way, I've been going through a very stressful time in my life, today especially, and your list of crazy quotes picked me up greatly. Thanks for sharing them!
like one time he said "shift manager" i though i heard him say "Shih Tzu monger".
the list includes..
when it's cold out, air guy in your pants.
swing swing swing from a tree with a table saw.
i hit Liberace with a wheelbarrow full of buttholes.
how to milk ugly nuggets.
steve, the silent cashew.
i'm something far away from the window pregnant.
that doesn't look like a banana system.
hat beard bullfrog in a beetle bin.
summer shale, the dookie connection.
Crummy buttons.
What are those sores on the back of your wrists? Rugburns!
(Two guys looking at a pair of workers, one black, one white) First guy: "Is that guy your brother?" Second guy: "Which one?" First guy: "The short one."
He knows when you are sleeping,,, so you better sleep on your back, because if you roll over... he'll get you in the crack.
Higher than a cat's behind.
If she'd pack that thing full of ice cream, I'd eat it!
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
You grab the end and pull it out. When the head shows up, I'll bash it with this hammer.
It's so big, I have to go to the airport to turn around.
I had to take the damn thing apart. X3 Its head was frayed like a rope. Ugh... so gross. Needless to say, there is now chicken wire around the unit.
Stuff like this is why I ended up with a huge crush on you! hehe
What do vegan women have? Veg-inas!
What state are vegans from? Veg-in-ya (Virginia).
"I want to put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room and have them duke it out."
Captain, the engines are mulch.....
-Badger-
"Come on- you can't fight a river!?"
"Watch me!" *reaches for dice*
-Badger-
Canada: But…
Me: NO EXCUSES.
And with that, the second war of 1812 was declared! This time, instead of burning down the Whitehouse, we wallpaper the Oval office in brown corduroy, and add an attractive chair rail of of taupe spats.
she then sprayed me with the Lysol.
Any chance your Mom is single and has an infatuation with dating grey-muzzle otters? Cause she sounds like my kinda girl!
I was right, my kinda gal!
Much love,
Mika
though..
..how one would end up telling another, one eats one's rearviews with catsup, i currently remain unable to fathom
don't you?he and you seem to be cool with each other.
i don't mind, really
but, i dunno..
..rearviews pro'ly`ll be better with worcestershire sauce