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Recent Events -MIA Status-
7 years ago
Hey there everyone!
First off, since this became a fucking novel, 'll write it here at the top
THANK YOU FOR ALL THE NEW WATCHERS! THANK YOU FOR YOUR FAVS AND COMMENTS AND SUPPORT. I WILL ANSWER YOU ALL AND THANK YOU IN PERSON. but for now I thank you here!
I'm sorry for my lack of updates and MIA status.
As some of you might know my grandma died and I just found out a few days ago.
I was so in shock that I couldn't bring myself to move, my body felt numb. It felt like my life essence was sucked away. It still feels like that but today I finally cried, when a colleague at work saw me dressed in black [yes after a week of dressing in black one of my colleagues noticed] and asked me if I'm alright after seeing that I haven't been in my usual cheerful mood all week and then another colleague commenting exactly that "you've been silent all week" I just burst into hysterical crying , they took me out for a cigarette and after they all expressed their condolences and let me calm down they slowly started to talk about kittens and things they know I enjoy between themselves and making it an overall cheerful mood so I calmed down.
That seemed to help get me out of that numbness. I didn't realize that I haven't cried ever since I got the news...and since no one asked me about it, I was just locked inside my own thoughts and didn't exteriorize my pain. And as soon as I was actually paid attention to and asked with genuine interest if I'm alright I exploded.
I never REALLY realized how much it can affect when others don't show empathy. I mean I knew since I am emphatic and always get frustrated when I see ppl being so indifferent, but I don't know I guess today was a wake up call of sorts.
I've also started reading books again. I'm currently reading 4 different books. Started reading The Way of Kings by Branden Sanderson , Book of 5 rings by Myamato Musashi himself, Elon Musk Tesla SpaceX and the quest for a Fantastic Future by Ashlee Vance [my boyfriend gifted it to me last night AFTER I HAD JUST BORROWED ANOTHER ELON MUSK BOOK FROM THE BOOKSTORE AT WORK . On the same day, was such a cute coincidence my bf knows me so well :))) and I'm also reading [but it's kinda boring] Star Wars universe Darth Pagueis by James Luceno.
It helps with my stress. Also I can't focus on one single thing at a time that's why I read more books at the same time. I swap according to the mood I have at that time.
I've also caught up on most tv series I used to watch and dropped in the past year. I finished Vampire Diaries , The Originals , Fear of the walking Dead, The walking dead , Supernatural, Game of thrones, almost finished Vikings [6 episodes left to watch], started watching and up to date with the Alienist and Altered Carbon, and almost up to date with American Gods.
So this is how I've been coping with this tragic event.
Now I know what you might think, ok she died she was old it was gonna come sooner rather than later. While that may be true, the reason she died is dumbfounding. She had Alzheimer. It wasn't very advanced she'd just forget stuff she did in the past day or talked about, but nothing major. Other than that she was in perfect health. At 80 something years old FUCKING PERFECT HEALTH. Do you know why she died?
She went out for a walk, and was probably buried in thought and didn't realize where she was going , she walked on the train tracks and got hit by a fucking train. WHAT ARE THE FUCKING ODDS?????
I must say now, I used to be faithful to God. Even though I don't agree with the existence of the Bible I still believe there is a God, maybe not how/as we depict him but there is some deity out there [won't go into depth cuz i'd never stop] . But there was a time when I believed in him 100% . I used to pray to him talk to him thank him, I didn't like saying prayers for no reason, but every night before heading to bed I would talk to him for a while telling him about my day , thanking him for being there for me. I actually felt safe, I actually felt like I had a guardian angel next to me, Even though I've went through so much shit ever since I was a kid I still believed, and only asked for my and my family's health and peace of mind. But while growing up and facing so many difficulties I just decided I've had it. No one deserves so much fucking pain in one lifetime. AND MINE'S NOT EVEN FINISHED YET.
So as I reached adulthood I stopped believing in him. It didn't happen just like that , at first it started with anger towards him, kept asking why he's making me go through so much pain why do I deserve all this is a moment of peace too much to ask???? Then as the anger grew so did my faith decrease until there was no more.
Now the point of the religion related story, my grandma was in perfect health, no cancer, no diabetes, no diseases whatsoever, not even arthritis , just the occasional flu, heck I get the flu more often than she got it. And that Alzheimer. Which wasn't even advanced. So my question was WHY LIKE THAT WHY HIT BY A FUCKING TRAIN WHAT WERE THE ODDS OF THAT HAPPENING. Please don't tell me fate. It was destined. Fucking make her have a heart attack in her sleep if she had to go. Not by fucking train!
I must be cursed...otherwise I can't explain my life so far.
I'll stop here, I'm sorry for the long journal I just felt like you guys deserved a little explanation and once started it was hard to stop venting :)
I don't normally like to talk about my life because I don't want anyone to pity me, it makes me feel weak[and if you'd know me a bit better you'd know I'm sort of a warrior spirit and weakness is unacceptable to me, I think it's why I've survived so far....], nor do I want people to think I'm a drama queen or that I'm making things up to get attention or to make people commission me or whatever I've seen ppl do this and it disgusts me. Plus I had a few ppl say about me IRL in the past that I'm making things up, it was just unacceptable to them that one single person could go through so much pain and misery.
Maybe one day, I will write up a journal like a sort of background story for those o you interested in knowing me more. Or maybe a novel :)) God knows It'd be a very emotional and disturbing one :))
Anyway , to those of you who read this entire journal, thank you for your patience and interest. It helped me to write it down.
I'm gonna continue being MIA for a bit while I recover my emotional balance, but I promise to bring you the best I can do when I come back!
Thank you all!
Stay safe!
Lulu
First off, since this became a fucking novel, 'll write it here at the top
THANK YOU FOR ALL THE NEW WATCHERS! THANK YOU FOR YOUR FAVS AND COMMENTS AND SUPPORT. I WILL ANSWER YOU ALL AND THANK YOU IN PERSON. but for now I thank you here!
I'm sorry for my lack of updates and MIA status.
As some of you might know my grandma died and I just found out a few days ago.
I was so in shock that I couldn't bring myself to move, my body felt numb. It felt like my life essence was sucked away. It still feels like that but today I finally cried, when a colleague at work saw me dressed in black [yes after a week of dressing in black one of my colleagues noticed] and asked me if I'm alright after seeing that I haven't been in my usual cheerful mood all week and then another colleague commenting exactly that "you've been silent all week" I just burst into hysterical crying , they took me out for a cigarette and after they all expressed their condolences and let me calm down they slowly started to talk about kittens and things they know I enjoy between themselves and making it an overall cheerful mood so I calmed down.
That seemed to help get me out of that numbness. I didn't realize that I haven't cried ever since I got the news...and since no one asked me about it, I was just locked inside my own thoughts and didn't exteriorize my pain. And as soon as I was actually paid attention to and asked with genuine interest if I'm alright I exploded.
I never REALLY realized how much it can affect when others don't show empathy. I mean I knew since I am emphatic and always get frustrated when I see ppl being so indifferent, but I don't know I guess today was a wake up call of sorts.
I've also started reading books again. I'm currently reading 4 different books. Started reading The Way of Kings by Branden Sanderson , Book of 5 rings by Myamato Musashi himself, Elon Musk Tesla SpaceX and the quest for a Fantastic Future by Ashlee Vance [my boyfriend gifted it to me last night AFTER I HAD JUST BORROWED ANOTHER ELON MUSK BOOK FROM THE BOOKSTORE AT WORK . On the same day, was such a cute coincidence my bf knows me so well :))) and I'm also reading [but it's kinda boring] Star Wars universe Darth Pagueis by James Luceno.
It helps with my stress. Also I can't focus on one single thing at a time that's why I read more books at the same time. I swap according to the mood I have at that time.
I've also caught up on most tv series I used to watch and dropped in the past year. I finished Vampire Diaries , The Originals , Fear of the walking Dead, The walking dead , Supernatural, Game of thrones, almost finished Vikings [6 episodes left to watch], started watching and up to date with the Alienist and Altered Carbon, and almost up to date with American Gods.
So this is how I've been coping with this tragic event.
Now I know what you might think, ok she died she was old it was gonna come sooner rather than later. While that may be true, the reason she died is dumbfounding. She had Alzheimer. It wasn't very advanced she'd just forget stuff she did in the past day or talked about, but nothing major. Other than that she was in perfect health. At 80 something years old FUCKING PERFECT HEALTH. Do you know why she died?
She went out for a walk, and was probably buried in thought and didn't realize where she was going , she walked on the train tracks and got hit by a fucking train. WHAT ARE THE FUCKING ODDS?????
I must say now, I used to be faithful to God. Even though I don't agree with the existence of the Bible I still believe there is a God, maybe not how/as we depict him but there is some deity out there [won't go into depth cuz i'd never stop] . But there was a time when I believed in him 100% . I used to pray to him talk to him thank him, I didn't like saying prayers for no reason, but every night before heading to bed I would talk to him for a while telling him about my day , thanking him for being there for me. I actually felt safe, I actually felt like I had a guardian angel next to me, Even though I've went through so much shit ever since I was a kid I still believed, and only asked for my and my family's health and peace of mind. But while growing up and facing so many difficulties I just decided I've had it. No one deserves so much fucking pain in one lifetime. AND MINE'S NOT EVEN FINISHED YET.
So as I reached adulthood I stopped believing in him. It didn't happen just like that , at first it started with anger towards him, kept asking why he's making me go through so much pain why do I deserve all this is a moment of peace too much to ask???? Then as the anger grew so did my faith decrease until there was no more.
Now the point of the religion related story, my grandma was in perfect health, no cancer, no diabetes, no diseases whatsoever, not even arthritis , just the occasional flu, heck I get the flu more often than she got it. And that Alzheimer. Which wasn't even advanced. So my question was WHY LIKE THAT WHY HIT BY A FUCKING TRAIN WHAT WERE THE ODDS OF THAT HAPPENING. Please don't tell me fate. It was destined. Fucking make her have a heart attack in her sleep if she had to go. Not by fucking train!
I must be cursed...otherwise I can't explain my life so far.
I'll stop here, I'm sorry for the long journal I just felt like you guys deserved a little explanation and once started it was hard to stop venting :)
I don't normally like to talk about my life because I don't want anyone to pity me, it makes me feel weak[and if you'd know me a bit better you'd know I'm sort of a warrior spirit and weakness is unacceptable to me, I think it's why I've survived so far....], nor do I want people to think I'm a drama queen or that I'm making things up to get attention or to make people commission me or whatever I've seen ppl do this and it disgusts me. Plus I had a few ppl say about me IRL in the past that I'm making things up, it was just unacceptable to them that one single person could go through so much pain and misery.
Maybe one day, I will write up a journal like a sort of background story for those o you interested in knowing me more. Or maybe a novel :)) God knows It'd be a very emotional and disturbing one :))
Anyway , to those of you who read this entire journal, thank you for your patience and interest. It helped me to write it down.
I'm gonna continue being MIA for a bit while I recover my emotional balance, but I promise to bring you the best I can do when I come back!
Thank you all!
Stay safe!
Lulu
Akurah
~lunarpearl10
You are such a brave and resilient person Lulu. As you know, I am always here and please remember that healing is different for everyone, so take your time with it as you do, and remember that when you're ready, I (and others I am sure) will be here to welcome you back with open arms. <3 Sending you all of the love and support I have :)
BelovedBeast
~belovedbeast
Some people leave us because they taught everything they needed to teach and they are now needed else where in another time and place. Remember what they taught you, and teach it to other as she taught to you. Her place in life was a blessing and she blessed you. Do the things you two loved together and remember the good times. But also remember she is never too far. You will be ok, given time you will be better. Take the time you need and we will see you when you return. If you need an ear or a shoulder I am here if you need.
